The Best Laid Plans
by theonlyxception
Summary: We may be family, but trust me when I say we all have our share of secrets that try their hardest to eat us up inside. I know that its easier said than done, but please don't let it. Keep supporting one another and keep the peace. -Donna; Post "Keep the Peace Part I"
1. Keep the Peace-Part I

_If you asked me what my last thoughts were before I was faced with a life or death situation, I would have told you the thought of dying was secretly terrifying. That because I was so dedicated to my job, there was always the chance that I would never live to see my husband again, or hold a child in my arms. Then again, I would tell you how wonderful it was to serve on one of the best teams in Toronto. Team one had the ability to restore my faith, teach me what love was and became my family when I had none around._

 _You'll have to understand that when I asked Hank to marry me, I was reassured that if anything happened to me while on the job, you would find a way to take care of him like you did for me. Granted, we have one of the toughest jobs. We see the most unimaginable things that make us smile when everything works out on a case, or make us want to cry uncontrollably when it doesn't._

 _As honest as I was with Hank—and as supportive as he was trying to talk me out of retiring—I know there are going to be some similar scenarios as I mentioned above. Maybe not in the same way as we're used to dealing with, but now he's dealing with the loss of a spouse. We as a team, know what loss is, and it's possible he's going to have questions about how things went down while on the job._

 _BOSS- I couldn't have asked for a better person to run the SRU. Without you, I don't think any one of us on the team could have made it through some of the things that we've been through._

 _ED- You and Wordy were like the brothers I never had. I'm sure you'll make those rookies feel at home with your pranks. Yes, even though Wordy saved me, I have heard about all the pranks you've pulled over the years. If I haven't said it before, thank you for always watching over me._

SAM- _What can I say? You've kept me on my toes. Thank you for that—I will never forget it._

 _WORDY- I know you've transferred out of the SRU into Guns and Gangs, but something tells me that Ed's going to need some new ideas for those pranks. You've been a great team member and friend, and I couldn't have made it this far without you._

 _SPIKE- Keep defusing those bombs. The world isn't as safe without your brilliant skills. I know that your dad would be proud of you. Your mom too._

 _WINNIE-Thank you for everything. Sometimes I wonder how I deal with being a team leader, when you're the real mastermind behind dealing with the details of those very "hot" calls._

 _JULES- We never got to know each other, but I can tell that you are a loved member of Team One. Help take care of them for me._

 _Last but not least—even though I've switched over as leader of Team Three, I feel like you all knew me best—which is why Hank has given you this letter to read. I imagine you've all made it out alive and are sitting around the conference table as you debrief; or maybe you're staring at the ceiling or a wall, hoping to avoid talking about some aspects of what happened that day. We may be family, but trust me when I say we all have our share of secrets that try their hardest to eat us up inside. I know that its easier said than done, but please don't let it. Keep supporting one another and keep the peace._

 _-Donna_

The whole team was silent as Greg finished reading the letter and placed it on the table. His lips curved into a heart-wrenching smile "Donna, ladies and gentleman." He said in the heaviest tone possible as he stared at the half-folded letter.

"She really had us down, didn't she?" Ed questioned, fully knowing the question to that answer. His expression was sullen as he reached for the letter and read the part addressed to him. "I shouldn't have let her go into that building. She wanted to find Clark—"

"She also knew better then to disobey a direct order." Greg told him solemnly, knowing that he had told her to get to the lab, while Ed had made the final push for Donna and her team to leave the parking structure.

"You know that it could have been anyone of us in that building." Jules piped in, knowing that after an exhausting day, they were all more than a little emotionally charged. "She was doing her job."

Ed scoffed in irritation as he rubbed at his chin. "You know the last two words I said to her were?" His voice broke now with such sorrow as he tried hard to keep his emotions in check. "Donna, thank you for everything-" Lip quivering, he paused abruptly as he stood and looked out at the darkening skyline. "Donna—stay safe. And you know what she told me?"

"Always, Eddie." Spike told him, staring at a spot on the table before looking at him. Her last words are haunting, and they all knew it. They had all been listening, they had the transcript and they all listened in horror as that bomb went off, Donna and Jimmy still inside the building.

"Exact words." Ed seethed, more out of exhaustion that was leading to a lack of patience. "She knew that we would be there to protect her. Instead we sent her to death because we weren't there." Looking at his watch, he pushed his chair away from the table in frustration."We figured it out too late. And now if you excuse me, I have to go tell Wordy the bad news."

* * *

ONE YEAR EARLIER. . .

March 26, 2011

"Donna." Hank's voice broke through the silence as we laid in bed. My husband of one week had been doing his best to comfort me since our wedding that resulted in my ex-partner shooting my husband twice in the back; and four weeks suspension for me wanting to get back at the guy.

"Yeah." Softly nuzzling my cheek against his bare chest, I drew in a tired breath. Neither one of us had really been able to sleep soundly since the shooting, and we had yet to talk about what had happened and the emotions that had come trailing along with it. "I'm awake." Feeling for my hand in the growing light, he gently massaged the skin between my index finger and thumb as we sat in the silence of the early morning.

"I got a call from Eddie. You haven't been returning his calls."

"I'm surprised he hasn't called sooner." Rolling on my stomach with a groan, I gathered my thoughts. I had seen it before, the time after someone had to make a hard call the team came together to check on one another. When someone made their first kill, the team was even more critical in making sure that person was okay. My first kill had been Delia Semple, a cop with an alternative motive. I had been asked many times after that if I was okay, and my response had been each time that I would be fine.

A couple months later, we got a case of a young couple who had forcefully taken back their biological child, Owen. At one point, the child had been taken by the biological dad and I was left with the difficult decision to take the shot. I couldn't do it and the father handed over the baby and committed suicide by jumping off the ledge. The guilt had been too much and Eddie knew it, because he followed me out of the debriefing that night. I also found out later that the boss had been in the other room, listening to the entire conversation.

" _Hey. Tomorrow we're going to do this debrief again, and you are going to tell the boss what really happened. 'Cause Donna, the only thing that is more dangerous than a cop that shoots too fast, is a cop who can't shoot when they need to. Now you had the shot, and I saw it."_

" _You saw it?" I challenged him as we stood there in the hall, face to face._

" _Yeah."_

" _Well, where were you, then? Because where I was, I was pointing a gun at a scared kid with a baby in his hands."_

"We got an order."

" _You questioned the order."_

" _Yeah, I did. But the boss had information we didn't have. I asked a question, and then I did my job like a member of this team is supposed to. All right? Are you a member of this team?"_

" _Yes." Tears sprung to my eyes, threatening to fall as we continued our conversation._

" _That's good."_

" _Does this job get any easier?"_

" _No."_

Hank began raking his fingers up and down my almost bare back, which brought me back to reality. "Donna? Where did you just go?"

"I was thinking—" I cleared my throat as he slowly turned onto his side to look at me. "About a case."

"Sounds like it was a hard one." He brushed his hand lightly over my cheek to catch the tear that was threatening to fall, just like it had when I had been talking to Ed.

"It was a hard time all together."

"Yeah? What made it hard?" His tone was genuine, while the look in his eyes made it seem like I was telling a really interesting story. When I didn't respond right away, his expression grew serious. "We may have not been married a long time, but I already know when you're not saying what's on your mind."

"It's the guilt of the job, that's what it is. It's the reason I thought about retiring in the first place." I paused, losing track of my thoughts for a moment. "I don't want you to have to think about losing me one day. And I would like to start a family—"

"You know that's the one thing we never talked about." His words were lined with regret, and I instantly felt guilty for bringing it up. "I never told you if I wanted kids or not."

"Do you want kids?"

"Do I want kids? Of course I want kids. And if we're being honest, I never thought I would have the opportunity to until I met you."

"You never thought you'd meet anyone?"

"I knew I'd probably meet someone one day, I just didn't know when. Who knows. I could have been fifty and still not have met Mrs. Right."

"Except for you're thirty-three, and you did meet her."

His eyes sparkled with pride as he grabbed my hand and held it in his. "Yes, I did. And I am glad that I did, because you have changed my whole world, Donna Sabine."

"As have you, Hank Gerald."


	2. Keep the Peace-Part II

"Hey, Shelley." Ed had his hands in his pockets as he approached the door of the Wordsworth home. "I'm sorry to drop by so late. Is he home?"

"Kevin? He got home a little while ago." She pushed open the door as an invitation for him to come in. As they did, she hugged him and dropped her arms by her side."Why don't you come in? I'll go get him."

"Thanks."

"It was good seeing you again, Ed." She called over her shoulder as she walked up the stairs. "You should come around more often."

"You're right, I should."

"Make yourself at home." Giving his shoulder a pat, she gestured towards the blue couch in their living room. "This should only take a minute." As she disappeared upstairs, Ed couldn't help but pace back and forth on the grey carpet in a nervous gesture.

"You keep doing that and you're going to run holes in my carpet." Kevin joked a few minutes later as he stood at the top of the stairs, looking over the railing at his former teammate.

"Wordy."

"Ed." Wordy walked to the bottom of the stairs, their hands connecting in a brotherly handshake. "Today was particularly hard day for the team, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, you can say that again." Ed blew out a puff of air as they sat down on the couch. "I don't even know where to begin with that."

"How about you start with why you're here and not with your family."

Ed gazed down at the carpet and rubbed his hands over face. "I made a mistake, Wordy. A mistake that cost people their lives."

"People? Ed, you're human." Kevin inquired, confusion written all over his face. "What happened today that makes you think you were responsible for people dying today?"

"It's not just people, Wordy. It's people that we loved." Ed shook his head, then gazed up at the ceiling.

"So what happened today that makes you feel responsible for what happened?"

"It started with Clark." Ed relented, pressing his hands together. "They were supposed to go to prom—Dean and Clark were supposed to go to prom with their dates." He wiped at his mouth in frustration. "Boss got a call from Dean. He said that it was study day. Although Clark had been with them, he split ways and went to get a permit for a party afterwards."

Wordy sat up in alarm, not liking the way this conversation was going at all. "That's where one of the bombs went off, right?"

"The third bomb, yeah." Ed nodded, feeling his breath catching in the back of his throat as he forced himself to swallow. "He's okay—a broken leg, broken wrist and some scratches. We were able to find him from the GPS in his phone."

Blowing out a sigh of relief, Wordy relaxed against the couch. "I couldn't be happier to hear that."

"Me too." Ed obliged him with a faltered smile, his throat dropping down to his stomach. "I had Spike call Donna and had him track Dean's phone. Once we had a general location, Donna and her team headed down to city hall." He was fighting the tears that were threatening to flow down his cheeks. "Before she could find him, we found a lead on our subject. Team Three was the closest to the Casey Jeffers building, so we sent them down there to check everything out. Unfortunately we couldn't stop the bomb that was strapped to Anson Holt."

"Are you telling me that all of Team Three was killed in action?"

"I'm telling you that Donna and Jimmy were—" Ed couldn't spit the word out that they had been killed, instead he growled in frustration. "They were—" There was no need for him to finish, for the weight of the situation came flooding in.

* * *

APRIL 2, 2011

"Morning." Hank called over his shoulder as I padded into the kitchen. His smile was bright like the sunshine pouring through the open blinds of the kitchen window as he finished pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Morning." I snaked my arms around his waist and looked over his shoulder. "Are one of those cups for me?"

"Well, I would have brought it to you in bed, but you're already awake." He turned around and handed me the light green mug full of piping hot coffee.

"Thank you." I blew into the dark liquid before taking a small sip. "You think you're ready to go back to work already?"

"It's been nearly two weeks since the accident." He sighed, nursing his own cup in hand. "I promised Jack I would go in for at least part of the day."

"If you're ready, I can't stop you." Putting my coffee on the counter to let it cool down, I sighed as I pulled my hair into a messy ponytail. "Besides, there haven't been any complications, and you're walking pretty good."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence." He teased, tipping his imaginary hat towards me. "You still think about what happened?"

"Not really." "Shrugging, I grabbed the creamer from the fridge and stirred the creamy liquid in. "Only in my nightmares."

"Nightmares?" His eyes widened as he lowered the rim of the cup from his lips. "You didn't tell me you were having nightmares."

I cleared my throat, not sure why I had brought up that I was having nightmares. The last thing he needed was to worry about me even more than he was. "Yeah well, those pain killers you're taking seem to knock you out at night."

"Well, good thing you're the one who knows how to shoot a gun."

" _Oh no. Hank?" Running from the car, I felt like I couldn't get to him fast enough as I watched him bleed out on the concrete floor of the building. "Hank? Do you hear me? Oh no, Hank?" I felt my heart racing quickly as I pressed two fingers to his neck._

" _Donna, don't worry." Ed tried to comfort me by putting a hand on my vest."E.M.S. is on their way."_

" _I can't find his pulse."_

" _Don't move him." By this time I was panicked, hardly listening to a word that he was saying. "Don't move him. Don't move him. EMS is on the way, it's okay."_

"Donna." Hank was now standing by me, gazing at me with concern. "You did it again."

"Sorry. I just have a lot on my mind."

"I can see that." He came over to the other side of the counter, putting his coffee cup next to mine. "So what's on the agenda for today?"

I took a long sip of coffee so I could think about my answer—one that didn't include sitting around in my pajamas or cleaning the house. "I figured I would do a little shopping."

"Shopping. Is this so you can avoid being here when Ed or someone from the team comes around the house?"

"No." I laughed, draining the rest of my coffee. "Why? Did he call again?"

"No, actually I haven't heard from him." He shrugged, putting his coffee cup next to mine. "At least not lately."

"Good. I figured I could use a new shirt or two. There's not a lot of time to shop when you work for the SRU."

"Oh, so that's how it goes."

"Ha Ha. Very funny!" Putting my cup in the sink, I started to walk towards our bedroom to get ready. Hank had another idea as he gently grabbed my arm, pulling me closer for a kiss. I gladly obliged as he held me close for a few minutes, not questioning why he was doing it.


	3. Look To the Sky

"Ed, can we talk?" Greg asked as he walked into the building the day after Donna had been killed.

"Sure." Ed sighed as he followed his boss into the debriefing room. He knew better than to question authority, even though it had gotten a former member of their team killed. "Aren't you supposed to be taking it easy?" He inquired as he watched Greg limp over to the table at a slower pace, due to his own injuries from being shot by the bomber, Marcus Farber.

"I left the hospital against medical advice, only because Team one and Team Three need a leader right now."

"Please tell me I didn't just hear how you walked out of the hospital after being shot in the chest and the leg." Ed leaned back in his chair, one hand cradled against his chin.

"Sorry. But since we're here unofficially, I guess I can admit it." His voice grew softer. "Which is why what I'm about to say next isn't going to be easy." The air shifted in almost a nervous fashion as Greg licked at his lips. "After you left, the doctor told me that it's possible that I'm not ever going to get full function back in my leg."

"So you lead from the bus, like old times."

"You know I can't do that." His expression changed from content to deep sadness. "The loss is too great. The team needs a fully functioning leader more than ever, and now that I'm injured, the worst thing I'll be looking at is retirement.

Ed shook his head in disbelief. "Have you talked to anyone else on the team about this?"

"No. I'll get everyone together after you're cleared. Until that happens, I need you to be the leader they need."

"So basically you want me to keep the peace."

"Exactly what I'm saying. I will always have a hand on your shoulder; be there whenever you need me."

"You just won't be on the team." For the second time that week, Eddie looked up at the ceiling as he processed the news.

* * *

APRIL 2, 2011

"Six dollars and fifty cents is your change today." The cashier told me as she she handed me back my change, then my bag. I had found a plunging black v-neck dress, a maroon shirt and some dark blue jeans. Sure I was in uniform most of the time, but it was good to have something comfortable to change into after a long day. "Would you like your receipt with you or in the bag?"

"In the bag is fine, thank you."

"Okay." Slipping the receipt into the bag, she handed it to me. "Anything else I can do for you?"

"No, thank you."

"Have a great rest of your day."

"You too." I called over my shoulder, my attention now on a rack of baby clothes; onesies, dresses, jeans, shirts.

"Donna?" I had just picked up a white onesie with faded blue stripes, when I heard a familiar voice calling my name.

"Sophie, hi."

"Before you ask, Ed did not put me up to this. I was out shopping for some clothes."

"Me too." I held up my one bag that was dangling from my arm, compared to her five. "I thought it would be appropriate to go shopping while I have the time."

"Ah." Sophie nodded in understanding, her shopping bags rustling as she moved her arm around. "You're going stir crazy, which means you needed to get out of the house."

"And what better way to do it by going shopping." I gave a genuine smile, which seemed too far and few these days. Then we shared a laugh, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders just by that simple act of happiness.

"I keep telling Ed that shopping is just the way a woman deals with things sometimes." She shrugged, shifting the bags on her arm so she was holding them by the handles.

"Let me guess—he told you that shopping was just a waste of money."

"Something along those lines." She looked back over her shoulder, like she had somewhere to be. "Hey, it's nearly one o'clock. Have you had lunch yet? I was planning on going to the food court. Nothing fancy."

Looking at my watch, I realized I had been shopping for nearly two hours and clearly I had been ignoring my stomach rumbling for half that time. Since the shooting had happened, I didn't have nearly the healthy appetite I did when I was working. Yet my mind still looked for any excuse not to. Would she bring up the shooting? Ask how I've been doing? All the worrisome questions I would have to close my mind to, just to make it through the rest of this day. "I think I will take you up on that offer. Thank you."

Sophie flashed me a relieved smile as we began walking towards the food court. "I thought you would say that." We walked side by side, until we had stopped beside the mouth of the entrance.

"Hmm. Looks like we've got a lot of options to choose from." Sophie announced as we gazed around the half-empty food court.

"I guess we do." I looked around at the options. There was Chinese, Japanese and Vegetarian food, sandwiches, and a burger place. "Now that I think of it, I'm not when the last time I was here. They've changed things quite a bit."

"I think they redesigned it a couple years ago." Sophie mentioned, still trying hard to decide what she wanted for lunch. "I'm thinking either a burger or Chinese. Do you know what you want yet?"

"A burger actually sounds really good right now."

"Then a burger it is." Making a beeline for the hamburger place, we ended up behind five other people. That was okay because we had some time to catch up. "So, I feel like I don't get to talk to you that often."

"I know what you mean. I'm not sure the last time I've had a normal conversation that requires me to talk about something other than shooting ranges, guns, or drills." I laughed as we moved up in line. "Or when I bought a new dress."

"This dress you bought—is it just for fun or a special occasion?"

"More of a reason to dress up. I guess I really didn't really think of the reason when I bought it."

"That's okay." Sophie had an amused smile playing on her lips as we moved even further up the line. "As I always like to say, you don't need a reason to buy something, because it will always come handy at one point in your life."

Lightly touching her shoulder, I resisted the urge to laugh. "Okay, that's the best advice I've heard all day. I may just have to use that on the team one day"

"The team giving you a difficult time?"

"Are you kidding me?" We got our orders and sat down at a table near the back of the food court and continued our conversation. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm not one of the boys. Not to mention, Ed is one of the most protective people I've ever met."

"That's probably why he's so lovable." With a sarcastic grin, Sophie shoved a french fry into her mouth. "I have noticed that he's only like that when he's around the people he truly cares about."

"Well, please tell him that I'm fine, I have received all his messages and texts—along with everybody else on the team. I just need some time to figure things out."

"I will make sure to pass on the message when he gets home."


	4. Square One

"Now that you've all been cleared, I need to discuss something with you." Greg announced, grabbing the team's attention as they sat around the table in the debriefing room.

"As you know, things have been kind of rough the last few years. With Lou, Donna and Jimmy, we all sympathize with the dangers this job continually brings to our doorstep. And because those dangers come, change comes also. Which is why even though we're grieving our losses, we need to do our best to continue forward. For me, that means I'll be taking the retirement package—"

"Hold on." Spike interrupted, his expression filled with confusion. "Retirement package? So you're telling me Team One and Team Three are both making changes."

"Unfortunately, yes." Greg assured him, hoping that it in time, they would understand in time why he was making this decision. "As much as I would like to stay, the doctor has announced that I may never get full function back in my leg, and that it will take a long time to recover as it is.

"Who is taking over for Team One?" Jules inquired, sitting between Sam and Spike.

"Before I get to that, I had a long conversation with Commander Holloran the day after the bombings occurred. Please note that we sat there for nearly two hours discussing who would be the best candidates for both teams. Although we came to a conclusion on who would take over for Team One, we couldn't quite agree for one for Team Three."

"Does that mean you're not bringing in someone new?" Leah piped up, leaning her elbow against the table.

"Since we're down a few members, there will definitely be some new recruits on the way. How many will depend on the decisions that will be made in the next few weeks. For now Team one will stay intact, with Ed taking over for Team One." All eyes were on Ed in an instant, more out of surprise than anything. "I expect you to give him the respect that you gave me, and to help any recruits transition to the team."

"So, guess we should be asking where you're going next." Sam inquired, pressing for more answers to their boss' future endeavors.

"I have an old buddy back at the academy; he offered me a job in the past, told me there was a place for me if an injury ever kept me from working at the SRU. Sadly, that time has come that I must make the decision to either take him up on that offer or be stuck at home." He looked each one of them in the eye. "I know I've said it many times before—you are one of the best teams that I have worked with. I will always be there for you, no matter what is going on in your lives. Most of all, I know that we can all make a promise now, to Donna; to not let our demons keep us from doing what we love so we can keep the peace." Looking from one teammate to the other, they each nodded in agreement, while silently making that promise to a fallen friend.

* * *

APRIL 4, 2011

"Hey, you awake?" Hank shook my shoulder, waking me from a sound sleep. I couldn't say I was too happy about it. In fact, I almost told him that he'd better have a good reason for waking me in the first place.

"I am now." Donna grumbled, still half asleep as she turned on her back, looking over at the clock on the nightstand. "You know if you don't get up now, you're going to be late for work."

"I would be, except it's Saturday."

She groaned, shutting her eyes again. "You would think I would be able to keep better track of the days."

He peeked over my shoulder with a smile."You'll keep better track once you get back to work."

"In two more weeks, when my suspension is up." Putting my hand on my forehead, I squinted up at him. "So what do you suggest I do until then?"

"Well, we could always take that honeymoon we never took."

"You just got back to work. I'm not sure they would love you if you took another week off."

"Turns out I might not be as ready to go back as I thought I was." He admitted, not expanding into further detail. "So my boss told me to take at least another week off."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that." He flashed that winning smile, one elbow propped up on his pillow. "So where would you like to go?"

"I haven't really thought about it. And we'd probably have to stay in Canada."

"And why's that?"

"Your injury." Sitting up slowly, I leaned against the pillow. "I mean I'm not sure we want to risk going out of here, especially if you're still recovering."

"I'll be fine."

"Okay, it's my turn." Resting my hands on my knees, I couldn't help but feel slightly concerned by his lack of detail. "What did you mean by not being ready to go back to work?"

"I can't seem to sit for very long. Or stop thinking about you."

"Ah, well I'm flattered."

"No, really." He couldn't help but laugh as he sat up slowly on the edge of the bed. "Where is it that you want to go?"

"Hawaii?"

"Hawaii. I thought you were going to say you wanted to go somewhere out of the country, like Scotland or something like that. Hawaii is far away, but not so far that we couldn't come back from it."Why don't we start looking later today?" He suggested, looking towards the dresser where his computer was stored.

"Okay."

He leaned forward, giving me a soft kiss on my lips. "I think I'm going to take a shower, and then we'll look, okay?"

"Sounds good." He turned and disappeared into the bathroom. As soon as he did, my smile faltered as I pushed the cover off my body. I was just putting a pot of coffee on when he came out, freshly wet hair and dressed in a black shirt and jeans.

"Have you eaten already?"

"I'm not particularly hungry. So I was just going to have a cup of coffee and take a shower." Grabbing a cup out of the cabinet, I poured some coffee from the pot. "Why? Were you offering?"

"How do you feel about eggs?"

"I'm really good, thanks."

"Donna, I have a sneaking suspicion that something's wrong."

Putting my untouched coffee on the counter, I no longer felt hungry or thirsty. I knew he wanted to help, but I just couldn't talk about it. As bad as it seemed, I couldn't talk about what I was feeling with anyone, especially him. I had made a fool of myself on the team and I had almost lost my husband in the process. "I'm going to take a shower. Then we'll look at those flight plans, okay?"

Kissing him quickly on the cheek, I retreated towards the bathroom; not before seeing the stunned but concerned look on his face as his picked up my cup and took a sip. When I had finally closed the bathroom door behind me, I continued to feel the guilt that was eating me inside.

I knew it was wrong to not tell him what was on my mind, but I felt like I was sitting behind a brick wall, where the words were sitting on the other side and I couldn't get to them. I knew I had a big problem, but I wasn't sure what to do about it.


	5. Red Lights- Part I

"Boss." Ed greeted Greg with a handshake as he walked in the foyer doors, Sophie and Clark trailing right behind him.

"Ed." Shaking his hand, he sidestepped So Greg could hug Sophie. "Thank you for coming."

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." She hugged him tightly, tears pricking at her eyes. "We loved her a lot—especially Clark and Izzie."

"I know she loved you too." Greg mentioned, specifically looking into Clark's eyes so he knew that was meant for him.

"Did Dean come today?" Was the only response he got back from the teenager. It was clear that he was hurting just as much as the team was, maybe even more.

"He's saving us a seat on the front row." Greg gestured towards the larger room where rows upon rows of chairs had been set up for today. Clark left without another word and left them all looking after him as he disappeared among law enforcement.

"How's he doing?"

"Not good." Ed sighed, slipping his hands into the pockets of his dress coat. "He had as much of a bond with her as we did." Standing there in silence, despite the chatter that was picking up in the other room, he peered in through the open door. "Looks like a good turn out."

"Yeah." Greg stated quietly as he looked over at the impending group that was walking through the front doors, some dressed in uniform, some not. "If anything its good to see how much she was loved." Both Ed and Sophie nodded in agreement as they noticed Leah, Jules, Sam and Spike and Winnie heading in their direction.

"Boss." Jules reached them first and wrapped her arms around Greg.

"Jules." His voice strained under the emotion that he had been keeping locked inside for the past week. "How's Sadie?"

"She's doing well. Getting into everything that she can get her hands on."

"Just like her mother." Ed teased, earning him a hard slap on the arm from Jules. In turn, he rubbed at his arm where she had hit him. "For that I probably shouldn't mention all the things you have to look forward to one day."

"Ed." Sophie warned with a smile, her tone silently telling him not to edge her on.

Ed backed off as they all headed into the room for the memorial service. "I'm just saying " As they entered, the room silenced a little bit—at least for those who were aware of Team One's presence. It took them a few minutes, but they were able to all sit down in the front row without much delay.

"Hey, isn't Hank supposed to be here?" Spike inquired looking around the bench, then around room. It was nearly impossible to spot Donna's widower through all the men that were mostly dressed in uniforms and suits.

"If you'd all take your seats, I think we'll get started." A woman in her mid-thirties announced through the microphone. She had dark brown hair that was pulled into a neat ponytail and she was dressed in a royal blue dress shirt and a black skirt. "We will first hear remarks by Hank Gerald, Greg Parker and Ed Lane." As she nodded to the crowd, Hank appeared through the side door and took her place behind the microphone.

"There is some truth to knowing who you're going to marry one day. Although it took a lot more convincing on my part, Donna wasn't afraid to go after what she wanted." Hank began, grabbing a couple tissues out of his pocket. "Five months after we met, Donna suggested we get married. For some reason, I hesitated and she called me out on it, then proceeded to depart from the bar when I couldn't say yes. Needless to say, I ended up on her doorstep twenty minutes later—and well, you know the rest of that story is history because I married her." That earned a teary laugh from the crowd. "As many of you came to support as our wedding last year, I am incredibly heartbroken that she didn't get to see that same support now that we're all together again. I want to thank you for all the letters, cards, and kind words. I know she would have loved it. Thank you." With those final words, he sat down in the front row.

* * *

APRIL 5, 2011

"Morning." Hank greeted the next morning. Frankly, the way he could flash that goofy smile, made me jealous that he hadn't been affected by the shooting like I had. I wanted to believe it was the medication he was on that blocked any residual feelings. With only a couple more days left of taking it, there was a possibility those emotions would come to light—at the same time I was afraid that they wouldn't and he would continue to be okay.

"Morning."

"We ever going to work on making plans for that vacation?"

"Oh, I think I can carve some time out today." I teased, pretending to think about my answer.

"How about now?"

"Now?"

"Okay then." Grabbing his computer from the top drawer, he closed the distance between us. "Let's see what our options are."

"Guess I'm not the only one who wants that vacation."

He pointed at the screen, ignoring my remark. "There's a deal of the day. Nine hundred and four dollars per person—"

"Per person, including flight, hotel, taxes and fees." Reading the fine print, I felt like it was a steal we couldn't refuse at least looking into. Then again, it looked like an offer too good to be true.

"Only seven miles from the airport."

"Flight included in price." As we looked through the pictures of the White Sands Hotel, we admired how inviting the place looked. "The real test will be in the reviews."

"White Sands is an older property, very well-maintained. Rooms include kitchenette. About half the rooms face the pool/patio/courtyard, which is nicely landscaped with plants and waterfall. Waikiki beaches are a short walk, and many stores are nearby. The staff are especially pleasant and helpful. Not a luxurious place by any means, but very nice. The beds were particularly comfortable. Free WiFi around the lobby and pool; nearby rooms also pick up the WiFi."

"Looks like many of these people think this place needs updating." I concluded after we had read almost every hotel review. "However, I've always liked older places as long as they don't fall down on you."

He grinned, reading over the reviews one more time."Places not falling down on you is always a plus. We really doing this?"

"We've had our passports ready for ages. I don't see why not."

"Okay." He looked mighty pleased as he kissed me square on the lips. "I will book our trip then."

"Okay."


	6. Red Lights-Part II

Greg sucked in a deep breath as he stood in front of everyone. "When I met Donna for the first time, it didn't take me long to realize she was just the ray of sunshine we needed on that cloudy day." He smiled sadly, grasping the edge of the pulpit for support. "A deadly sniper had just injured one of our own, so we needed someone who was just as capable of handling the job. With every test we threw at her, she came through with flying colors. With the skills she had, she could have worked any place she wanted." Giving a small laugh, his voice cracked with heartbreaking emotion. "From that moment, I knew without a doubt that she understood the risks; the sacrifice and the commitment it took to do this job."

"Like Hank remarked earlier, I wish she could see how many people are here supporting her today. That you not only had her back, but her family's as well." Looking over the crowd people, he gave them all a look of appreciation. "With this job, we often forget there are families we go home to each night. Those same family members piece us back together and love us at our most vulnerable moments in life. They are also the ones who get left behind when we don't make it through a dangerous situation. They are the most forgotten and feel alone as they deal with the loss. They are the ones we need to wrap our arms around, because without them there would be no us."

"Hank, we thank you for allowing Donna to continue being part of the SRU. We can't take away the pain that you feel now, and will feel in the coming days, months and years; yet I hope don't hesitate to look around this room and remember how many people loved her and will be willing to listen and more if you need it." Making that final remark, Greg limped away from the pulpit.

* * *

April 7, 2011

"I think we're good and ready for this vacation." Hank inquired, adding a few necessary items before zipping up his suitcase. "In fact, we've probably packed more than we need."

"Correction: you packed more than you should have." Gesturing over to my light blue suitcase, it was neatly packed and still half-empty as it laid on our bedroom floor.

"Okay, I obviously packed too much." While he looked over the contents of his suitcase, I walked into the bathroom to grab my toothbrush and makeup bag. "And if that's all you're taking, I could probably use a packing lesson from you before we leave."

"I think I could squeeze you in." I called over my shoulder as I grabbed an unused hair brush from my top drawer by the sink. "And if we've forgotten anything by now, I think we're going to have to call it good." Kneeling down by my suitcase, I put the makeup bag in the remaining empty spot and the hair brush in the pocket with my curling iron.

"So if I hear something along the lines of 'Honey, did you bring any floss? I think I forgot mine.' then I can tell you we should have made that last shopping trip?"

"No, because then I would have to tell you that I reminded you yesterday about that shopping trip, and you know what you said?"

"I said, I think we have everything now. We'll be fine."

"Exactly." Turning off the bathroom light, I pulled open the dresser drawer to put a few extra pairs of socks into my suitcase.

He perked up as he zipped up his own suitcase, a few discarded shirts sitting by it. "Are we expecting anyone?"

"No, why?"

"I thought I just heard a knock on the door."

"Really? I didn't hear anything." Stepping forward, I let out a squeal of delight as he wrapped his arms around my waist, flipped me around and kissed me deeply on the lips.

"Smooth. Real smooth."

"Yeah, well maybe I just wanted you all to myself."

"Maybe after dinner." I smiled, clearly caught up in the moment. "I still have a load of laundry downstairs waiting to be put in the dryer."

"After dinner it is." He paused in his disappointment as a faint knock on our front door could be heard. "Well, I guess I'll answer the door while you get that load of laundry in the dryer." Hank suggested as we both padded our way down the hall. By the time he had answer, I had made it half way down the stairs; my breath catching in the back of my throat, hearing the familiar voice of Ed Lane.

"Hey Ed." Hank greeted my SRU partner as I slowly moved to the bottom of the stairs to listen to the conversation. "What brings you by?"

"I was hoping to have a word with Donna, is she here?"

"She is. Come on in."

"Thanks." There was a pause between them. "You and Donna going on a trip somewhere?"

"Hawaii. Donna didn't tell you?"

"No. She hasn't really been answering my calls. In fact, she hasn't been answering any of our calls—Boss, Sam, Wordy—"

Not being able to listen to the conversation any longer, I headed into the laundry room and began pulling out a load of dark clothes out of the the washer. Hank appeared just as I was throwing in a bounty sheet in with the clothes. "Hey, everything okay? Who was at the door?"

"Ed."

"Ed? Did he say why he was here?"

"Something about you not answering his calls." He closed the distance between us as he lovingly kissed me in the middle of my forehead. "You need to talk to him. You can't keep avoiding him or the team. It's obvious that they're worried about you, and frankly, I am too."

"Well, you shouldn't be." I announced, feeling my face reddening as I turned the dryer on. If anything, I wanted this whole power struggle to be over.

"Donna, you need to talk to him." His response sound rather muffled and pleading over the noise level of the dryer.

"Fine, I will talk to Ed." I relented, suddenly feeling drained of all energy. "But then can we please not talk about this until we get back from Hawaii?"

"Come here." Was his only response as he drew me into his arm. We stayed that way for a few minutes until I met his gaze. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He smiled, brushing a piece of hair behind my ear. "Now go see what the man wants. I'll go make sure dinner doesn't burn." I couldn't help but crack a smile as we both made our way back upstairs.


	7. Red Lights-Part III

"Many of you know that I'm a man of little words. So, I'm not sure what part of me thought it would be easy to find the words to give the speech I'm giving now." With a slight roar of laughter from the crowd, Ed focused his attention on his wife and teenage son. "My family can attest to the late nights of frustration, which were often filled with yelling, slamming doors and crying—that last part mostly thanks to my three year old daughter who has an early bed time and we'd end up waking her up because of the yelling and slamming doors."

"Well, one night I was feeling particularly frustrated after she gotten woken up. My wife told me in the nicest way possible to put her back to bed, so I reluctantly grabbed her hand and walked her back to her room. By the time I had calmed her down with a glass of water, read her a book and got her back to sleep, I went back to my desk now sure that I was ready to start working on my speech.'

"But after dozing off, I woke up in the dream to see Donna leaning against my desk. She had a smirk on her face, like the knew something I didn't. Then she took one look at the blank piece of paper underneath my elbow and told me in almost a playful scold, 'Eddie, what are you waiting for? You know what you have to do—write from the heart and don't mince on the words."

"So here's me hopefully writing from the heart and not mincing on the words." Ed swallowed hard, reflecting on the first moment they had been testing her as a new recruit. "The first real conversation Donna and I had was testing out at the gun range. As I watched her hit her target over and over again—and answer every question I dished out—I felt prompted to ask her, 'Donna Sabine, you looking for a change of scenery or what?' Without missing a beat she looked at her target, then back at me with an amused expression on her face. 'Change of wardrobe. Trying to get into the the cool pants for a long time.' So you heard it here first—the SRU is a place where you can put on the cool pants."

Smile faltering, his expression grew somber as he changed the direction of his speech. "I regret not telling her this when I had the chance, but Donna was like the sister I never had. She showed my children how an aunt should be—loving them with all her heart, always listening and there when they needed her most. I know if she had the chance, Donna would have been a really good mother." Looking over at Hank, Ed gave a him a reassuring glance. Hank returned his appreciation with a grateful but heartbroken smile. "Thank you Donna, for your love, dedication and patience. You will be truly missed for the individual that you are."

* * *

APRIL 7, 2011

"Ed." His name came off as a tired sigh as I reached the top of the stairs and rounded the corner that led into the living room. Although I had put on a good face for my husband, I suddenly didn't have the energy or patience to confront my partner in crime.

"Donna."

"What brings you by?"

He took a few steps towards me. "You haven't been answering any calls from the team. It took everything to keep the boss from storming in the front door."

"So you opted to come instead?" I asked, a slight dry humor in the tone of my voice as I gestured we sit down. He took the armchair across from the couch and shrugged with a heavy sigh.

"He wants answers. Frankly, so do I."

"Okay." Taking in a few short breaths, I came up with a solution. "I'm on suspension for going after an ex-partner I once trusted with my life—the same person who almost killed my husband on our wedding day. Of course I'm going to have more than a few demons to deal with."

"But—"

"But I'm going to need time to deal with those demons without the team interfering." I swallowed hard upon seeing his expression darken."That's why I'm taking this vacation. When I looked Bill in the eye back at his apartment, I would have never imagined that my ex-partner was someone who would give all those names and details to someone so callous. Because he did, I was targeted at my own wedding. When they couldn't shoot me, they sent Bill to finish the job and he ended up shooting my husband twice in the back. I got suspended for going after the guy, then sat in a hospital for a week as my husband recovered. I can no longer sit and wonder if I could have done something differently."

He blinked back the confusion. "Like what? Shooting the guy?"

"Can't say it wasn't on my mind." I surprised myself with the confession, but we both knew it was true. At the time I wanted nothing other than to put a bullet through his heart so he would know what it felt like to die slowly; while reflecting on the betrayal of the people who had become his family when he had no one else.

"So what's on your mind now?"

The corner of my lip rose into a smile as I tucked my feet underneath my body. "That I want to go on a much needed vacation with my husband."

Chuckling, he straightened in the arm chair, leaning one arm against the rest. "That's all your thinking about?"

"Hey! I never got a honeymoon because of this whole fiasco. "I stated, brushing my hand in his direction. "And no, it's not the only thing I'm thinking about. It's not an ideal situation to be on suspension. I still think we're a little crazy to be taking one, especially with Hank still recovering."

"I heard that." Hank called from the kitchen, reminding us there was another set of ears listening in our conversation. With that in mind, I couldn't help but chuckle. It felt good to joke about the situation, even though emotionally we were far from dealing with everything.

"That reminds me—didn't Sophie tell you I ran into her at the mall?"

"Yeah, she told me."

"And yet you still you came by."

"Sometimes its the people that you love that you worry about the most."

"Sounds kind of like what Sophie told me the other day."

Ed rubbed at his bald head. "You'll find that if you're married for that long, you start to say some of the of the same things."

I grinned. "Donna, just promise me that you won't do all this thinking by yourself. That you'll call me, Boss, Wordy—or even Sam if you need to talk." The expression on his face, left no room for argument.

"I will." Walking him to the door, my hand lingered on the doorknob. "And Eddie?"

"Yeah."

"Thank you for coming."


	8. Bite The Bullet

The day seemed long as friends and family mingled in the cultural hall after the service, seeking out Hank and the members of the SRU to give condolences and exchange stories about Donna. In about a half an hour, they had heard about her childhood, the early years of her days in vice, neighbors who had watched her grow up—experiences that had never been shared personally. Sometimes it was too much to hear and Hank finally slipped out into a quiet area of the building. Greg followed suit a few minutes later and found him sitting on the couch by the front door.

"She loved her job too much to quit." Hank quietly remarked as he sat down next to him. "Now that we're at this point in time, I feel like I should have let her."

Greg sighed sadly, understanding where the regret was coming from. "As surprised as I was when she told me, I get why she wanted to leave and why she chose to stay. Even though we've been trained for the worst possible scenarios, what we see is often horrific and cannot be unseen. But we still come to work because we took an oath to protect and serve those around us."

Hank nodded, gazing out the half fogged window by the couch. "I could usually tell when it had been a good or bad day, just by the way she looked at me when she walked through the door." Voice breaking, he recalled the times he had to decipher whether his wife was okay, or whether she was going to fall apart from what she had seen that day. "Then one day she came home and said that no matter what happened at work, she was going to bite the bullet and keep going."

"She was stronger than she looked."

"She was." Hank mentioned with a small laugh as a content chatter settled in the air around them. "The part I keep wondering about is did they find my wife?"

"The last time I heard, there was no sign of either your wife or Jimmy." Greg stated as a look of surprise lit up on Hank's face, then fell into one of despair as he went on. "I went inside to look for them, but there was so much damage the search and rescue team wouldn't let us go farther than a few feet inside the building. However, the SRU should be getting preliminary results in a few days. I'll have Ed Lane contact you when those results come in."

"I appreciate that."

"If I could get everyone's attention, please." A female voice announced in the other room. "My name is Emily Sabine, Donna's younger sister."

"I take it you didn't know she was coming?" Greg gauged by the startled look on Hank's face.

"No. Donna said she's been living overseas for the past three years, and wouldn't be coming home again for awhile." Standing up, he walked in stride down the hall, until he was leaning against the frame of the door. Greg followed at a slower speed, standing next to Hank as they watched a younger looking Sabine standing at the edge of the stage.

"So, that's Emily Sabine." Greg pointed out, standing behind him.

Hank nodded, hands nervously jittering by his side. "Emily is six years younger than Donna. She looks nothing like her, besides her blonde hair." It was partially true. While Donna and Emily were around the same height, the younger sister had more of a rounded face, higher cheekbones and wore a more significant amount of makeup.

"Before I left to work overseas, I was worried about leaving Donna. Since our mother passed away a few years ago and our father's health has been declining after he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I felt like we only had each other. As much as I didn't want to mess up that bond, it only took a dinner at her home to convince me that I wouldn't mess up the bond and should take the offer." Giving a ghost of a smile, her grip tightened around the microphone. "My heart broke a little when she asked me next if I was worried about leaving her and Dad. Of course she knew me all too well and tried to tell me they would be fine. Now as I look around the room, at all the love and support she received during that time, makes me wonder why I was so worried in the first place."

"In fact, I went to visit my father for the first time in years. As soon as I had shown my ID at the front desk of the assisted living facility, staff members told me how saddened they had been with the passing of Donna, and not to worry because they had been taking shifts to make sure our father was taken care of."

She paused, tears threatening to fall down her cheeks. "They told me how much they loved my family and would be happy to take care of him until he was gone. That although he had been declining, there was a slight chance he wouldn't remember who I was—or understand when I told him that Donna was gone. They didn't have the heart to tell him that she was gone. That the person who had visited him three or four times a week, would no longer be coming around."

"So, I prepared for the worst possible scenario as I walked into his room. Our father looked older, a little more frail. With a little prompting, he got this moment of clarity—like he at least knew who I was. When I mentioned Donna's name, his eyes lit up as he asked if she was coming to visit soon. It took a few minutes to find my voice after that to deliver the news. He grew quiet as we sat side-by-side on his bed. Then he told me something I will never forget: he told me that he loved me and would soon be at peace knowing she was gone."

"I guess he held on knowing that he didn't want to leave us. But there was a kind of pain in his eyes as he looked up at me once again, confusion taking over as he tried desperately to place why this stranger was sitting next to him. All I could do was pat his hand and tell him that I would come visit in a couple days, and came straight here in time to give my thanks for everything you've done for my family. Thank you."

* * *

APRIL 9, 2011

"Good morning." Hank smiled as we both laid close to one another. We had landed in Hawaii late last night and had barely considered dinner as we changed into our pajamas, and promptly fell asleep next to one another.

"Morning." I rubbed at my eyes, then stretched my arms over my head. "We must have been exhausted. We slept for nearly ten hours."

"Ten hours?" Raising his head, he looked over at the hotel alarm clock. "I guess we did. Mind getting your crippled husband his pills?"

"Would you stop?" I giggled, pushing back the covers from my body. "Of course I'll grab them." Digging through his bag at the foot of the bed, I handed him his morning pills and retrieved a glass of water from the tap.

"Thank you." Sitting up slowly, his water sloshed back and forth as he sat back down against the pillow.

"So what's on the agenda this morning?" I asked, using his phrase as I sat on the edge of the bed.

"For starters, I was hoping for a good breakfast. We didn't eat anything except what they fed us on the plane."

"Breakfast is good." I agreed, feeling my own stomach rumbling. "We have the option of ordering room service or going down to the restaurant downstairs."

Guzzling the rest of his water, he placed the glass back on the wooden nightstand. "Perhaps we should order room service. I'm afraid I won't be able to move properly until my medication kicks in."

"Room service it is." Digging through the drawers, I found a what I was looking for and carefully got back into bed.

"Who are you and what have you done with my wife?" Slumping against the pillow, he drew a lazy smirk as we looked over the menu.

I laughed, focusing on the choices on the menu. "I think I'm going for the strawberry crepes. I have a sudden craving for hashbrowns."

"Well, I think I'll go for pancakes. I really want some good orange juice."

"I'll make the call then." I handed him the menu before picking up the phone to place the call for our first breakfast in Hawaii.


	9. Something New

**Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!**

* * *

The Monday after the memorial, both Team one and Team Three officially returned to duty since the bombing had taken place. Although they had been cleared earlier in the week, the remaining members had been given the time off so they could properly grieve for their fallen teammates—and to ensure they would all come back with clear minds.

"If you'll take your seats, we'll get started." Ed announced, sitting at the head of the table as he watched both teams and new recruits exchange greetings as they settled into their seats. "We have a few things to go over." Clearing his throat of emotion, he happened to peer over at the empty chair between Spike and Sam. Someone had taped a piece of paper with Donna's name on it—the same one she usually sat in during their meetings. "As many of you know, I've taken over for Greg Parker for Team One, while Sam will be taking over for Team Three. We'd also like to extend a welcome to our new recruits—Ben Saffron, Mallory Jones and Aaron Fackrell. I expect you all to teach them the ropes."

He paused a moment before gesturing to Sam, who was rocking back and forth in his chair. "There's a high possibility of chaos associated with our job, which means we are all responsible for keeping the peace. If you have any questions—you can come to either me, Ed, or anyone on Team one or Team Three. We've pretty much been through it all."

"I have a question—" Ben raised his hand slowly up in the air. He had striking blue eyes, had a a clean shaven buzz cut, wore a white shirt and jeans. "How do you each deal with those tragedies when they happen?"

"Good question. Team?" Ed responded, looking over at his original team members.

"We deal with everything as a team." Jules spoke up first as she exchanged a glance with Sam, who nodded in agreement.

"You'll learn pretty quickly that we check up on one another, especially when tragedy strikes." Sam's voice broke, the pain still fresh. "For example—when we lost two members of our team this last week, we debriefed as a team, talked together about what happened and ever since then we've talked."

"So there's really no dealing with it alone." Spike shook his head adamantly. "You might want to deal with everything by yourself, but what we see on a daily basis is enough to drive anyone to the brink."

"The reason we work so good together, is that we're not just a team but a family." Leah concluded for Team One.

"Everything they just said." Tom gestured over to Sam, Spike, Jules and Leah, before turning his attention back to Ben. "I do want to add that you couldn't have joined a better team. Hopefully that answered your question."

"It did, thank you."

"Good." Ed piped up, finally pulling a chair up to the table. "We don't have any active cases, so I suggest you take this time to get settled and acquainted with your teams. Look around, because these are the people you will be working with starting now."

* * *

APRIL 10, 2011

"I'm glad we finally got that walk on the beach." With the waves washing around our bare feet, he squeezed my hand as we strolled down the sandy beach. "Although a day late."

"I like it." Gazing over at the growing waves in the distance, I let my mind wander momentarily. "We got to spend time together, just you and me. No work, cooking, or responsibilities."

"I did like that we ordered room service." We walked further down the beach as he gave his afterthought. "Now that I think of it, that's the first time I've ever done that."

"Even when you go on your business trips?"

"I have business partners that come, so we'll usually choose a good local restaurant to go to. Not the healthiest option, but it's only for three or four days out of the entire year."

"So when do you have to go next?" I asked, already not looking forward to coming home to an empty house. In fact, it gave me a bit of a perspective to what Hank came home to every day when I worked long hours.

"Probably not until after New Year's, so we'll be able to enjoy our first Christmas together as a married couple." Hank mentioned as he stepped into the ocean.

"Can't believe that's coming up." Shaking my head in disbelief, I stared out at the horizon.

"Me either." He smiled, hands dripping with water. "We still have about seven months to let that sink in."

"You make that sound so far away."

"We've never talked about traditions before we got married, so maybe we should start." Hank shrugged, wiping his hands on his shorts. "With our jobs everything will go by in a flash, and pretty soon we'll be setting up the Christmas tree."

"You're probably right." I relented, dipping my own feet into the water. "You know this water feels good."

"I was just thinking the same thing."

"Except we forgot to bring towels, so I'm sure we'll have sand feet when we go into town."

"I'm sure the locals see it all the time." He half-joked, slowly straightening to an upright position. "So you going to tell me what traditions you had when you were a child?"

"You really want to know?"

"I really want to know."

"Okay. We didn't have a lot, so my parents did their best to make it special for me and my sister. My mom would turn on the Christmas music and we'd laugh and decorate the tree. She said that having all the lights and ornaments on the tree would light the way for Santa."

"That sounds like a wonderful tradition."

"It was." Sitting down in the sand, he sat down next to me."We kept the tradition up even when we both moved out of the house. And when Emily went to live overseas, we skyped with her as my parents and I decorated the tree."

"Were you and your sister close then?"

"To a certain degree, yes. Emily was born a month after I turned six, so it took a few years before she was officially able join in the festivities. Even then, she made the traditions interesting."

"How exactly did she do that?" He asked, a slightly amused look on his face as the sand ran through his fingers.

"For starters, she broke ornaments on the tree. And one year, she thought she'd help out and started the mixer when we were making cookies for Santa." I couldn't help but laugh now; although at one point I was furious at her. "I remember the flour hadn't been all the way mixed yet, so a fine coat of flour got all over us because the lid wasn't on."

"She sounds like she didn't know any better. How old was she?"

"I believe she was four. Yes, she was four and I was ten because I remember I was wearing this beautiful black and gold sweater that I had been eyeing for ages. I had finally saved up enough money from my birthday to buy it, and I remember my mom warning me that I should change before we started making the cookies, and then-"

"Your sister turned on the mixer."

"She did." Drawing my knees to my chest, I found myself staring at the horizon again. "Thankfully dry flour comes out relatively easy—and all was not lost with the sweater."

"And when you grew out of it?"

"Oh, I kept it. Pretty sure I put it on an old stuffed bear that's in the basement somewhere. It's probably the only two things I kept when I moved out, besides my mom's wedding ring and a photo album."

"I bet she would be so proud of you right now."

"That I got married, yes. That I'm sitting on a beach in Hawaii because I was suspended from my job, that's where I'm sure she would be rolling around in her grave."

"Donna." He protested, raising my chin so I couldn't look away. "You can't keep beating yourself up, especially over something that was out of your control."

"It's not just that." I began, feeling the frustration rising in the back of my throat. "You know what, forgot I even said anything. I need some air."


	10. We'll Be a Dream

Letting the metal door of the conference room closely fully before taking the large envelope out from underneath his jacket, Ed sat down at the table with an expression full of anticipation. The days had been passing by ever so slowly since the bombing, and he had been in constant contact with Hank as they waited for the preliminary results.

Now that those results were finally here in front of him, he couldn't gain the willpower to open the envelope. Even though it wouldn't answer every question that had been presented in the last week and a half, he could at least reassure that their loved ones had died instantly and felt no pain.

With that in mind, Ed ripped the envelope open like he was tearing off a band-aid; it hurt to rip the protective bandage off the wound but it had to happen sooner or later. With a sigh, he scanned the paper from front to back before reading it over a second time, this time catching information like blast caused significant damage to building; recovery of Constable Jimmy Garner.

From what he read in the report, the outcome didn't look good for both Donna or Jimmy. They was significant damage to arms, legs, and face. Of course not all the details were there yet, but it was enough to assume they hadn't suffered from any injuries sustained.

* * *

APRIL 10, 2011

It had taken him a matter of five minutes before I saw him walking down the beach. In a matter of minutes, he was sitting by me next to me in the sand as we stared out at the ocean. "Promise that if anything happens to either one of us, that our last words won't be angry ones."

"I promise." Gently squeezing my hand, he scooted in front of me until our knees were touching. "I need you to know that I say a prayer of thanks every time you come home to me, just as much as I dread the day someone tells me you're gone. So yes, I'm going to worry about you, and I'm going to keep worrying about you whether you like it or not."

I didn't have to see the expression on his face to know that he was serious about what he was saying. "I know you will, and I'm sorry for blowing up on you earlier. It's always been hard to talk about my job, but I want you to know that I couldn't have gotten this far without you."

"So talk to me about something else until you can, but never stop talking to me." He persisted, desperation in his eyes. "I don't expect you to tell me every detail of your day—I just want to know that you're okay after you walk back through our door."

"I won't make any promises, but I will try to talk to you when something happens."

"That's all I ask for." His expression changed from worry to relief. "And if there's any way you can make it back to me, I hope you will."

I gave him a nod, finding that last line slightly peculiar." What I don't understand is how you can stay so positive about the shooting and now this vacation."

"I've had worst vacations." He assured me, like it would make me feel better. "Yes, I've been positive. The truth is I haven't wrapped my head around what happened. But you—you were betrayed by someone you trusted and he shot someone you love." As if it had been yesterday, I heard the ringing in my ears as the gun went off; tears sprung to my eyes, as if I were reliving what happened all over again. My breath caught in my throat, to point of not being able breath. "Donna, I need you to come back to me. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere without you, ever again."

With that in mind, I blinked over at him and felt like I could breath normally again-although my mind was still spinning with thoughts and questions with how I'd been so lucky to still have him with me. I could have been accepting his fate before I knew what was happening. Instead, we were in the middle of paradise, trying to piece together the shattered pieces.

Barely aware, he pulled us away from curious eyes until we were in the middle of a street lined with tables full of necklaces, t-shirts and an assortment of other handmade items.

"Hello, can I help you with find a necklace?" The woman behind the table of necklaces had long jet colored hair and eyes the color of diamonds.

"Yes." He looked at each necklace, until he had a white sea shell that was lined with gold and had a heartbeat design in his sights.

"For your wife?"

"Yes."

"'You can go ahead and have her try it on if you'd like." She watched as he put the necklace around my neck. "If I may ask, how long have you two been married?"

"Almost a month." I said, finally snapping out of my anxiety attack since we had left the beach-my fingers feeling the grooves in my shell as it hung around my neck.

"How much?" Hank asked without skipping a beat, as he grabbed some money out of his pocket.

"Hank-"

"Twenty dollars." He handed her the money, then squeezed my hand. "You are a lucky woman."

"Thank you." I mentioned as Hank pulled me over to a more private location.

"I hope you know I didn't buy that necklace just because we're here on vacation. I bought it because I love you. Because when I saw it, I instantly knew that out of all the shells in the ocean, you picked me. You were more than I could have ever hoped for, and if I have to remind you over and over again that I'm not going anywhere, then I will. I love you Donna Gerald. I want you to be happy again."

"I love you too." Suddenly feeling like my energy was drained, I wrapped my hand around his waist for support; and we walked silently back down the beach.

* * *

 **This one is a little short, but after not feeling well on and off for the past couple weeks, and now having to restart my computer after it malfunctioned a couple days ago: this will have to do.**


	11. Not Alone

"Greg." Ed greeted with a firm handshake as his former boss limped into the house- followed closely by his girlfriend, Marina Levin. "It's good to see you again."

"A chance to hang out with you and all of team one? I wouldn't have missed it this place was falling apart." He referenced to the disaster that had taken place almost three weeks ago. Ed chuckled as he let them pass by, then sighed as the door closed behind them.

"I was going to give this to Shelley, but I feel like you could use it a lot more." Woody motioned to the unopened beer and handed it to him.

"Thanks." Ed laughed dryly, uncapping it and taking a deep swig of alcohol.

"You want to talk about it?"

Ed's grasp tightened on the bottle as they walked upstairs to an office with two desk sat against each wall. "Every day I go to work, I expect her to walk through those doors."

"You expected her to walk through those doors tonight." Wordy chimed in, understanding his friend's grief completely. "Donna texted me often after I left the SRU, even came over for dinner with Hank. Any word on how he's doing?"

"I haven't heard from him since the memorial. He won't answer any of my calls, or my texts for that matter. I've even passed by the house on my way home-it's completely black."

"Maybe it's too painful for him to go home. He has shared that house with her for the past year. If something happened to Shelley, I don't know it would be to come home again."

"You're probably right." Ed drained his beer until it was half empty. "I think I'll go for another beer before we finish this conversation. Want one?"

"No, I'm good, thanks." Wordy stated, watching Ed with concern as he disappeared back downstairs, and sat down in one of the office chairs. He wasn't alone for long though, as he was joined by Sam, Jules, and Spike.

"So this is where the cool people hang out." Sam mused, looking around the office.

"I like to call it a work in progress." Wordy stated, his mind still on his concern for Ed. "With a job and three girls, I might not get it finished until Riley is in junior high."

"Riley is your youngest daughter?" Sam questioned, taking another sip of his beer.

Wordy nodded, pulling his chair away from the desk. "She just turned four."

"So you have some time." Sam joked, pulling out the only other chair for Jules.

"Is there a reason why we're meeting here?" Spike asked, looking over his shoulder to an empty hallway.

"Boss wanted to talk to us." Jules filled them in as the room fell silent.

"All of us?" Wordy inquired, leaning his elbow against the desk.

"Oh, I'm pretty sure he mentioned you by name." Sam tilted his drink over in his direction. "My guess is that he wants to check up on how we're doing."

"Should have known." Spike chuckled, taking a seat on the floor against the closet door. "I think I've heard from him more times than when he actually worked at the SRU."

"I think he's just worried." Jules piped up, Sam standing behind her chair. "Now that he's not working with us on a daily basis, he has to really check up on us when he has the chance."

"That's got to be hard." Wordy said quiet enough that the team almost missed what he said. "I thought I had a hard time when I had to leave due to my Parkinson's diagnosis."

"How's that going?" Sam asked, now taking a seat on the edge of the desk.

"It's going good so far. The medication continues to help slow the disease, and I'm still able to do most everything I did before-with a few memory relapses, here and there."

"We're glad you're doing good." Spike mentioned with a shake of his head as he sat there on the floor. "It's still not the same without you."

"I know. It's not the same without you guys either. Guess at this point we take what we get, right?" Wordy stated rather sadly, knowing that his mind was on his fallen teammates.

* * *

April 11, 2011

"Morning." Hank hovered in front of me, his lips pressing against mine. "Why don't we go do something fun today?"

"Like what?" I asked, cracking a smile as we laid there in bed. When he didn't immediately respond, I pulled myself up on my elbows and watched as he pulled a shirt carefully over his head. It was clear that he was hurting.

"Leave that to me." He grinned, pressing his knee into the mattress as he kissed me again. "Get ready and meet me downstairs in an hour."

"And where might I be meeting you?" I asked, raising an expectant look as I watched him walk towards the door.

"Downstairs."

"That's it? That's the only hint you're going to give me?"

Turning back to me, he had a smirk settled on his lips. "For now. I'll text you when I'm ready."

"Okay." Catching his retreating form in the closet mirror, I pulled the covers off my body just as metal door closed. I looked at my own reflection; the deep purple circles from lack of sleep, pajama bottoms that were starting to look slightly baggy around my waist, and messy hair from a rough night full of nightmares.

Sighing, I grabbed my jeans, a nice white shirt and makeup bag from my suitcase before stepping into the bathroom. When I was finished showering, I blow dryed my hair and decided to put a small braid at the top and pulled the rest into a high ponytail.

I wasn't usually one for doing makeup or hair; however, since we were on vacation, I felt like being a little more presentable. Of course it took all the willpower to not become frustrated with a task I wasn't used to doing every day. Yet it all worked out with plenty of time to spare as I slipped the keycard into my back pocket and waited for his call. Not ten minutes later did my phone ring after I had pulled it off the nightstand.

"Yeah, Hank. I'm ready." I greeted, although a little impatiently. Even though I was used to putting the pieces together while doing my job, I didn't have much to go on here.

"Good!" He stated, grinning through the phone. "Come downstairs. I'll meet you at the elevators." With that little piece of information, I still felt slightly confused as I made my way towards the elevators.


	12. Revelation

A new beer in hand, Ed leaned against the wall, while Greg stayed by the closed door; his lips pressed together tightly and tone filled with raw emotion as he gathered his thoughts. "Now that I'm working at the police academy, it has given me an even clearer picture of the toll this job has taken on all of us. I've always counted on your honesty, so I'll be honest when I tell you the haunted looks have not gone unnoticed, or the many variations of I'm fine's that I've received in the last month from texts and phone calls." Voice wavering, Greg leaned heavily on his cane. "I know that you're not fine. If you were, I'd be fine too."

Spike lifted his head up at that revelation. "Boss?"

"I know that since the memorial, we've all done our best to put on happy faces, but right now I'm asking as your friend-how are you are really doing?' The room fell silent, leaving laughter from loved ones echoing upstairs.

Wordy looked up at Ed, remembering their conversation just moments before the team walked in. "I was thinking how many times Donna walked through my front door; how many times my girls ran up to hug her each time she did. But when you have to explain to them that their friend-who loved them like her own-isn't coming back, that's where I really struggle to understand why we put our lives on the line when it only hurts the people we love."

It was clear by the looks on their faces, they had at some point in their careers, thought the same thing that Wordy was expressing at that moment.

"Connect, respect, protect. I've wondered about those words every day Jules had Sadie." Sam related as he squeezed Jules' hand. "It's unfortunate when our children or our spouses have to live without us, but if we didn't go to work every day, we wouldn't be able to stop people from doing ridiculous things."

"Ed?" Greg peered over at him. "You've been pretty quiet. Have anything you want to add to the conversation?"

"No." Ed stated, taking another sip of beer and gazed over at the nearest wall.

 _"Donna you have anything to add?" Greg inquired as we met in the debriefing room. We had just gotten through a big case that involved Donna's first shooting-a cop named Delia Simple- and it was clear this moment would stay with her until the day she died._

 _"How did SIU go?" Ed had asked her gently. Yet, by her saddened eyes, it was clear that didn't matter. She would be carrying this moment until the day she died._

 _"I shot a cop. They're really happy."_

 _Greg leaned back in her chair. "Donna, we have a saying here. Just 'cause you did right, doesn't mean you get to feel right."_

 _"Our hands are clean, yeah?"_

"Our hands are clean?" Ed stated bluntly as he absently swirled the liquid around in the bottle.

"Ed?" Greg asked, now standing with his cane to the side of him.

"After Donna shot Delia Simple, that is the exact question she asked. When no one else answered, you said-"

"Just 'cause you did right, doesn't mean you get to feel right."

"And after that, I watched her run, not walk out of this building. I followed her out thinking I could say something useful, only to stand there like an idiot as she wiped at her eyes and left. Now all I can think of those words-her words-when she asked if our hands were clean."

"Donna wasn't just asking if your hands were clean." Jules stated as a dawn of realization settled in to what Ed was saying, even though she had been recovering from an injury at the time.

Ed nodded, his grief shining through his tough demeanor. "She was asking if at the end of the day we were okay with our job-even if that meant killing one of our own." His face screwed up in anger as he looked over at Greg. "We killed Donna. Are we okay with that?"

* * *

April 11, 2011

As the elevator gravitated towards the main floor, I felt more anticipation of what was in store for today. So far nothing had gone right, and I was afraid we'd go home and feel like we hadn't relaxed at all.

"Donna." Hank appeared from behind the dividers leading into the hotel restaurant. We kissed briefly and he led me back the way he had come, until we were in a medium sized room, candles lit on every table.

"You did all this?" I inquired after I had taken a moment to marvel at what he had planned.

Pulling out my chair, he gestured me to sit before sitting across the square shaped table. "This is just the beginning. Before you tell me that I overdid it, I've planned things that we can do without hurting my back."

"No, that's great. I can't wait to see what you have planned."

"Who are you and what have you done with my wife?"

"Not going to lie, I had my reservations. This vacation hasn't been going the smoothest."

"So you keep saying." Hank lifted the glass of orange juice to his lips. "Well, I have a feeling that today is going to be the only day we're going to need to remember."

I took a sip of my own orange juice, hoping that he was right. "So what are we doing after breakfast?"

"You are getting a massage and a pedicure, and I am getting a foot massage since my back is still healing, then I thought we'd go to ukele lessons and end the night with watching the sunset at Wakikki beach."

"You really did think of everything."

He grinned across the table. "Today is going to make this trip all worth it."


	13. Loaded Questions

No one could speak for several moments after that loaded question from Ed.

Finally, Wordy stood from his chair. "What makes you believe that you're responsible, when you had no idea what Marcus Farber had planned in the first place?"

"It was heartbreaking having to tell my teenage son that Donna had died. It was even more heartbreaking when I had to tell her that she was this close to finding him underneath all the rubble in the parking garage. He heard her that day, he just couldn't respond. Now he blames himself for not having the courage to speak out, even though there was nothing he could do. Since that day, he's hardly talked to me or Sophie; completely ignores us all by locking his door. Isabelle sits outside his door and cries for him to play with her, not understanding why he's doing it."

"We're the opposite here. Shelley and I put the girls to bed, only they end up in Ally's bed when we go to check them, and that's how they've been every day since she died. We all process trials differently."

Ed nodded rather slowly. "I think somewhere in there, he blames me for what happened that day."

"Has he ever said that he does?" Spike asked rather quietly as he sat up from his place on the floor.

"No, but the way he looks at me is enough to say: Dad, why didn't you stop her? You could have protected her."

"Maybe he does. Or maybe it's more that he blames himself for not being able to do anything. Survivor's guilt." Sam suggested, taking a seat beside Spike.

"What about therapy?" Jules suggested, her head resting against her hand.

Ed scoffed lightly as he drained the rest of his beer. "Therapy? It's almost like you don't know my kid, Jules. He's a lot like me, which pretty much gurantees what he thinks of it."

Jules laughed, turning slightly in her chair. "I get it, I do. It's different for him because he's a teenager, not a police officer. He doesn't deal with what we do on a daily basis."

Sighing, Ed shifted his weight back so he was leaning against the wall again. "More like a major setback. As much as he resisted at first, he really started to trust Donna. I didn't get much out of her either to what they talked about, but I'm pretty sure he talked to her about a lot more than he ever would with me or Sophie."

The room fell quiet again before Spike spoke up. "Did anyone ever think of what she was doing before it happened?" His voice was quiet as stretched his legs out in front of him. "And I'm not talking about what we already know. I'm talking about when the day began."

* * *

April 11, 2011

"You're right. Today really did make this trip worth it." I grinned as we watched a brilliant color of blue, orange and yellow streak across the sky as the sun slowly fell from our sight. "Makes me wish we had taken this trip sooner."

"Maybe it came at the right time." He said, staring into the sky. "Being here with you has made me realize how busy we've gotten with our jobs, the shooting and our marriage. I keep thinking about how this trip has been kind of a blessing in disguise.

Clearing my throat, I pulled my knees to my chest. "I've never thought of it that way. I guess I saw it as one disaster after another." I looked him in the eye and we both laughed at how silly that sounded now that things had calmed down.

"Crazy we only have three days left here in Hawaii."

"Makes you wish we had opted to stay longer, doesn't it?"

"Kind of. I like it being just the two of us, but I also like it being the two of us when we're at home-even though we haven't really gotten the chance to make it a home."

"We will." Letting the sand run through my fingers into a dusty pile, I rubbed my hands against my jeans. "Once we find a way to be normal again."

"I think it will be better once I'm off all my medications." He confessed, drawing a small circle in the sand. "I haven't felt like myself since I got out of the hospital."

"You will." I encouraged, absently running my hands through the sand again. "How many days do you have left?"

"They run out a few days after we get back from our vacation, so five days from now." He nodded, looking out the ocean. "I'm not going to lie: I'm kind of nervous to get off them. They make me not feel, and looking at all the emotions that are going around, I feel like I should feel it too."

"Why didn't you tell me this?"

He turned his body stiffly towards me. "Honestly, I think I knew it, I just didn't know how to say it until now." Those words struck a chord with me, especially with how I struggled telling him how I felt about everything on my end. "It's like my my mind was clouded and the words wouldn't come out."

"I think we can all relate to that." I let out a puff of aiir. "I've been feeling the same way about how to tell you what I feel with the shooting, and the betrayal with Bill."

"I wish I had never gone with him. I don't know why I trusted him and not your team."

"I trusted Bill." Closing my eyes, I sighed as I remembered the image of my husband being shot by Bill just as we pulled up to the building. "At least one time I did." My words were full of regret to why I ever trusted him in the first place. If I had known what he would become, I would have never agreed to be partnered with him. "I'm going to tell you kind of what I told Ed, and that is Bill is the reason that I got out of Vice. When he started to go downhill, I vowed that he wouldn't take me down with him."

He shook his head as he tossed a broken stick into the sand. "I'm not sure that I can ever forgive him for what he did."

"At this point, I'm not really sure that I can either. What he did was unforgivable, whether he knows it or not. As for the outcome of his choices: that's something he's going to live with for the rest of his life."


	14. Follow Me

"Last night at our team dinner, we gathered as a team to converse about things on our minds." Ed began as he gazed at each individual sititng in the room. "I would say there weren't a lot of hot topics that were talked about, but there was. One of those topics was about Donna, and we're hoping that Team Three can kind of help us fill in the blanks."

Tom rocked in his chair, gazing across the table where Donna sat. "We can definitely try. What do you want to know?"

"What was the morning like for Team Three?"

"It was pretty much like any other morning." Tom shrugged, looking over at his remaining team members. "We came in to work and Donna was already there when we arrived. We got changed and ten minutes later we were called to a bomb threat. Turned out to be nothing but a fake plastic bomb some little kid dropped on his way to school."

"It looked pretty real, so I can see why someone would call the police." Andrew tapped his fingers on the edge of the table. "Guess it's better to be safe than sorry."

Tom nodded in agreement as he continued. "When we got back, debriefed and talked about what happened that morning, as well as how we could improve the team."

"That's right. I remember Donna saying the debriefing went over a little long."

" _I mean, really, it's a fabulous dress." Ed joked as he approached Donna after the wedding. She had showed up fifteen minutes late in her SRU attire, and he and Wordy couldn't help but give her crap about it._

 _"Really?"_

 _"Yes. Donna."_

 _"Such a gentleman, and always a kind word; that's why I love you." Donna patted him on the shoulder as she grinned. "Debrief went long; some people have to work hard."_

 _"How's team three?" Wordy inquired, completely changing the subject, even though he looked quite amused at the gentle teasing going around._

 _"I'm kicking 'em into shape." She stated proudly, hardly able to contain her happiness._

 _"I told you she couldn't stay away from the job." Ed joked to both Wordy, and Greg as he joined the conversation._

 _Donna chose to ignore Ed's last remark, turning her attention to Wordy. "How are you Wordy?"_

 _"I'm good. Girls are good. I miss the days, though."Wordy stated with a hint of sadness in his voice, although he was still plenty happy when talking about his family._

 _"Days miss you right back."_

 _"You going to the reception tonight?" Greg asked, turning the conversation back to the wedding._

 _"Absolutely."_

 _"You know what? Team One's got a shift to get trhough first because some of us work even harder." Ed concluded, trying hard to keep a straight face as he walked away from Donna. "Not a word. Not a word!"_

Ed smiled briefly at the memory, then rejoined the conversation by quietly clearing his throat.

"Donna came back an hour later and I will never forget how hard she drilled us that day after she found out Team One had been called to the scene." Tom recalled, his words catching in his throat. "We went through every scenario, but the one thing we didn't expand on was death-even though we're cops and death is a part of our job."

"Death is something we never get used to." Ed concluded, as they all sat around the table in silence. "I think we can all agree on that."

* * *

April 12, 2011

Walking out of the bathroom the next morning, I didn't feel particularly well, but I put on a brave face for Hank as we got ready to go on our next adventure to scuba dive.

"You okay? You've been kind of quiet this morning."

"I just have a lot on my mind." Looking at him through the reflection in the mirror, I put some chapstick on my lips.

"Like what exactly?" He asked curiously, stiffly lacing his shoe.

"About work, about you, and what seems like a million other things. Did you remember to take your medication this morning?"

"About a half hour ago. So it should be kicking in soon." He told me with a groan as he set his foot back on the ground. "I'm more stiff because I found myself sleeping on my back all night long."

"You should have woken me."

He snorted as he slowly stood and did his best to stretch out his back. "I'm not sure I could have. You were out like a light by the time we got back to the hotel."

"I was pretty tired."

"You're probably tired because of all the stress you've been through-and for good reason."

"At this rate, I'll finally be ready to go back to work." I joked, disappearing into the bathroom for a moment as I heard him chuckling in the other room. "You think it's funny now. I'm just not so sure how funny it will be when you have to tell people your wife went crazy."

"I can't imagine I will have to." He looked amused as he grabbed his wallet off the desk. "Although I'm sure of one thing-"

"And what would that be?" I inquired, turning out the light to the bathroom while he straightened up our bed.

"That we're both going to miss being in Hawaii."

"No, what we're going to miss is that we couldn't physically do more together." He said, placing his hand on my lower back as we exited our hotel room. "Have our hotel key?"

"In my wallet." He patted the black leather before putting it in his back pocket. "Are you suggesting that we're boring?"

"I'm suggesting that this vacation didn't turn out at all like we expected it to. That we're both recovering and can't physically handle what we thought we could."

"Then we'll just have to come back one day." He concluded as we walked down the hallway of the White Sands Hotel.


	15. On My Way

"By mid morning, we were called to help out about a block from the health and welfare center. People were freaked out and hurt about all the bombings, so we did our best to help sort and guide; as well as be kind of a protection just in case they were still being targeted." Tom pushed himself to continue, although he stopped several times to collect his thoughts. "After we finished, we grabbed some lunch on the way. We had nearly fifteen minutes to eat before we were got the call about the bomb going off at city hall." His voice had a hard edge to it as he extended his legs out in front of him.

The hard edge hadn't gone unnoticed as Ed sprawled his hands out in front of him on the table. They all knew that if Team three hadn't been at the parking lot, they wouldn't have been called to the Casey Jefers building. "Are you saying if Team Three hadn't been at City Hall, she would still be alive?"

Tom shook his head in disagreement. "You know there was no stopping her when she has her orders. Just like if we hadn't followed Donna's orders to leave the Casey Jeffers building, we wouldn't be sitting here and the SRU would have needed to replace all of Team Three."

"She saved our lives without even knowing it." Brad pitched in quietly, more as an afterthought for their fallen teammate.

"That's why she was named Team leader." Tom told Brad, as he turned back to face Ed. "We had seen her more a few times around the SRU. We even tried to give her crap when she joined Team Three." Tom gave a slight chuckle at the memory of Donna dressed in her work uniform; hair neatly braided to give her a more stern look. "We learned quickly that she wasn't going to take anything we threw at her."

Ed stiffled a bittersweet laugh as he nodded over at him with amusement. "And how did that work out for you?"

"Not well-not well at all."

"I hope you got to know her, beyond your team leader. Donna was one of a kind."

"So I've heard." Tom sat up straighter in his chair. "If I could do it over, I would have gotten to know her better."

"What happened next?"

"We arrived at the Casey Jefers building just as we heard over the radio that Clark had been found."

"She knew Clark had been found."

"Yes. She was quite relieved when she heard the news. After that, she had a new sense of energy as she filled us in on the plan and we headed into the building."

"And that plan was what?"

"Clear the way, locate the subject and disengage the bomb if possible. But after we rushed into the room, we soon realized that Anson Holt wasn't the intended subject; more like a distraction so Marcus Faber could set off another bomb. Donna was going to disengage the bomb, so she cleared everyone out of the room. Just as we reached the front door, we heard Donna announce there was no actual timer-"

"And then the bomb went off." Ed stated, making everyone in the room a little uneasy.

"Just as soon as we had cleared the building." Tom stated the next part with pure guilt in the tone of his voice. "There was nothing we could do about it."

* * *

April 13, 2011

"We must be crazy to have wanted to hike Diamondhead Peak." I stated as we stood at the top of the trail with a dozen other people, but the view from high up was rather spectacular.

"This view is so worth the pain that we're going to be in tonight." He looked over at me, then corrected himself, blinking back the pain. "Okay, I'm going to be in a lot of pain tonight."

"I'm surprised you agreed to do this."

"I'm surprised you let me do this. I thought you would have protested what I had planned." He mentioned as we looked over the edge to see a rise of buildings, green grass and blue ocean for miles.

"Glad you did. Think we both needed the fresh air."

"And the vacation." He gave me a charming smile. "Maybe we can order room service tonight. I have a feeling we're not going to want to go anywhere today or maybe even tomorrow."

"Except tomorrow is also our last day."

"Even better to stay in bed and do nothing." He shrugged as we stepped closer to the railing to get one last look. "At least part of the day, anyway."

"Come on." I patted him on the shoulder a few times before walking towards the exit. "We still have to make it back down the trail before we can do anything."

"Right, then let's go. I think my pain meds are going to wear off here pretty soon." He limped towards the exit.

"This is going to be one heck of a story to tell when we get back, isn't it?"

"I think they'll be more surprised that we climbed Diamondhead a few weeks after your back surgery."

"I can definitely tell you what my doctor would say-" He cleared his throat, doing the best impression of his doctor who has a rather deep voice. "I'm glad you're getting out there. However, I don't want you overdoing it before you fully heal."

"He has a point." I laughed, looping my arm through his, just in case one of us went down on the trail. "We still have to sit on a plane for almost ten hours tomorrow."

"Then we should have thought about that before we did this."

"Still worth it?"

"Would I do this again when I'm injured? Probably not. As long as I have you though, I feel like I can do anything."

"I do too." Despite the crowd of people, I found a place to pull him to the side. "Look, I've been thinking-"

"Okay. About what?"

"If anything happens to me, I want you to promise me that you will move on, and you'll find someone that you can spend the rest of your life with."

"If we're being honest here, I don't think I will ever be able to move on with someone else."

"I'm not saying it will be easy. I just want you to promise me that you'll try."

Letting out a puff of air, he reluctantly nodded in my direction. "I promise."


	16. Last Ride

"We all wanted to go back in there." Andrew confessed as he broke the silence once again. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were filled with anguish at the thought that they had just left their teammates in a broken building."

"Parker and I couldn't get past the main floor." Ed's gruff voice lowered a notch. "They deemed the building unsafe."

"Is it possible-" Ben faltered with his words, like he wasn't sure of his own words coming out of his mouth. "And correct me if I'm wrong because I've only been following this case since I got to the SRU-is there any indication that Constable Donna Sabine is still alive?"

The air in the room felt heavier as they looked around each other, then back to Ed for a response. "The preliminary results stated there was significant damage to arms, legs and face."

"Did they specify who it was they found?" Leah asked, curiosity getting the better of her.

"They found Jimmy."

"Not Donna."

"We still won't have the final results of the damage until later in the week." Shaking his head, Ed's expression was mixed with quiet frustration for not having those results in hand, and wanting to nail Marcus Faber to the wall even though he was already behind prison walls for the rest of his life. It still didn't feel like enough.

"How's Clark doing?" Sam interjected, bringing him out of his thoughts.

"Same as he was when he found out the news about Donna." Ed blew out tiredly. "He's not talking to anyone, and I get the feeling that he only wants to talk to her."

"That's not going to happen."

"Exactly my point." Ed raised his eyebrows, then let his shoulder fall. "He won't talk to anyone unless he has to."

Sam blew out a breath as he wiped at his mouth. "Not even Dean?"

"He talks to Dean, unless its about what happened that day."

"That's tough. Anything we can do to help, just let us know."

"Thanks I will." Ed stated gruffly, standing up out of his chair as he announced to the group. "It's nearly noon and I told the Chief both Team One and Three would be back on duty later on this afternoon. So grab some lunch, and we'll continue our conversations at a later date."

* * *

April 14, 2011

"I don't think I can move." Hank said between a laugh and a groan as we woke up the next morning. "I think room service is order. Preferrably something I can eat like this." He gestured to his supine posture.

"I'm not sure you're going to find any." Stifling a laugh, I retreated into the bathroom to wash my face. "That's why I ordered you something you could eat while sitting against your pillow."

He lifted his head ever so slightly. "You ordered room service? When?"

"About a half an hour ago." I responded, drying my face with the navy blue hand towel. "It should be here any minute."

"Could you get my medication that's sitting on the bathroom counter when you come out? I want to take it so I can actually move around today." Picking up the small bottle of pills, I tossed it so it landed on top of his left hand. "Thanks."

Retreating back into the bathroom, I closed the bathroom door behind me to finish getting ready for the morning, and keeping a listening ear out for room service. By the time I had put on some makeup, I heard a faint knock and opened the door to find a guy with a broad shoulders and slicked back brown hair, standing at my door.

"Hi." He stated cheerily, just like his name tag Fredrich reflected against the morning light. "We have a orange berry smoothie with kale, french toast with strawberries and whipped cream, and crepe filled with Nutella, that correct?"

"Yes, thank you." Tipping him, I took the cart in and let the door close behind me. Hank was struggling to sit up as I wheeled it into the other room.

"So what's on the menu?" He peeked his head up and dropped it back onto the pillow.

"Well, smoothie and crepes for you, and french toast with strawberries and whipped cream for me." Uncovering the food, the room filled with wonderful smells.

"You really weren't kidding about getting me something I can eat against my pillow." Pressing his hands against the sheet, he tried desperately to sit up. "Mind giving me a hand?"

"Yeah." Giving him some support, he was able to sit up, and placed his meal on his lap. "Why don't you join me?" He patted the bed with his free hand. With a nod, I grabbed my plate and sat crossed legged against my pillow.

"How is it?"

"Delicious." I smiled, taking another bite of waffle. "How's your smoothie?"

"Very flavorful." He took another long sip. "Do you think you're ready to go back to work?"

"I've been working too long to stop."

"That's not what I asked."

"What I meant is that working has become a habit, so I'm ready mentally to go back."

"And physically?"

"I'm not so sure. I made a fool out of myself in front of my entire team."

"You shouldn't be so hard on yourself." Pulling his plate closer to him, he stabbed at a piece of crepe. "Everyone makes mistakes."

"How can you not be angry at him for what he did to you?"

"It's the medication. It numbs out a lot of my emotions." He stabbed at another piece, then took a sip of smoothie. "I can't imagine what kind of wreckage there's going to be when it wears off."

"Yeah."

"Either way we look at it-we both have a long road ahead of us."

"That's what I was afraid of." I muttered, tossing my food around on the plate. Suddenly I didn't feel hungry but I forced myself to eat anyway.


	17. Walking Blind

"That the results from the bombing?" Sam approached Ed cautiously as they walked down the hall of the SRU.

"The final one." Ed looked towards the ceiling, before looking at the folded paper with disbelief. "Can't believe it all comes down to this."

"Me either." Sam gestured to the workout area as they walked by. "What exactly did they find?"

"Her vest and phone-both of which were destroyed during the bombing." Ed presented, gazing at the paper then back up to his friend. "If she's alive, we could be looking at severe injuries. Then again it's been a month and a half, so who knows what the circumstances might be."

Sam nodded grimly, looking back towards the gym where the teams were starting to head towards the locker room. "Probably best to keep this between us until we figure out what those circumstances might be."

"Probably a good idea." With that decided, they walked into the locker room and changed into their uniforms for the day. As they did, the alarm went off as they shut their lockers and followed the team out to the front desk. "What do we have, Winnie?"

"Team One, Robbery in progress at the Toronto-Dominion Bank. Team Three, bomb threat at the CF Toronto Eaton Centre."

"They connected?" Sam inquired, checking the time on his phone and pocketing the phone again in his vest pocket.

"As far as I know, they're two separate cases."

"Thanks, Winnie. Keep us posted." Ed brushed his hand across the desk on his way out.

"Will do." Adjusting her headset, she grabbed Spike's attention. "How are you holding up?"

"Frankly, I've been better. How about dinner after this day is over?"

"I'm not one to skip a dinner offer. So yes, I would love to have dinner with you."

"Great. I'll pick you up at seven." Spike grinned as he made his way out of the building.

* * *

APRIL 15, 2011

"Hey, Donna." Winnie greeted me with a big smile as she moved around the desk to deliver some paper work into the file cabinet. "How was Hawaii?"

"It was good." Okay, I fibbed a little, but she didn't need to know that half the time Hank and I had been at odds with each other.

"Yeah?

"It was good to get away for awhile." I nodded adamantly, not elaborating any further as I took a seat across from her. "The team on a call?"

"They should be finishing up a call right now." Looking at her watch, she curiously eyed the bag sitting just to the side of my chair. "Might even be heading back to the SRU as we speak. When do you come back to work?"

"Not until tomorrow."

"You dying to get back?"

"Yes and no. I'm ready to get back but I also enjoyed spending time with my husband. No work and definitely no responsibilities."

"I hear you on that. How are you doing otherwise?"

"I think it's going to take awhile before I get back to normal." I couldn't help but sigh as she faced her chair directly across from mine."Maybe another year and I'll be good."

"That bad, huh?" When I didn't answer, she changed the subject. "So tell me something you loved in Hawaii."

"For starters, Hank and I were crazy to hike up Diamondhead Peak."

"You and Hank hiked up Diamondhead Peak?" Her tone was full of surprise. "Isn't he supposed to be recovering?"

"His idea, not mine." I held my hands up in surrender as I swivled my chair back and forth.

"Did I just hear you hiked up Diamondhead Peak?" Ed's voice boomed as appeared around the corner, followed by the rest of Team One.

"Oh not just her." Winnie mused, breaking her gaze from the computer screen to where she was looking up images of the trail.

"Hank hiked up Diamondhead Peak with you?' Ed whistled out. "Remind me to give that guy a medal. I don't think I could do that after having back surgery."

"Was he hurting afterwards?" Winnie asked, clicking on an overview picture of the trail. "I would kill to get a view like that."

"We both were, actually. Hank couldn't move and pretty much fell asleep right after we got back to the hotel. A couple hours later, I'm pretty sure I fell asleep while watching the news. We were quite the sight, I'm sure."

"Nah! Sounds like you both deserved the rest. We're just glad you're back among the land of the living." Wordy spoke up as he shared an amused look with everyone. "It hasn't been the same without you here."

"I brought gifts." I posed, not meaning to ignore his kindness as I reached into the bag and tossed some shirts to the boys, then handed a box to Leah and the boss.

"Chocolates. I will definitely eat all of these." Leah looked pleased as she crumpled up the yellow wrapped paper in her other hand and tossed it into the trash. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Donna, you shouldn't have." Greg shook his head, shaking the box of chocolates.

"Actually, I do. After what happened to Hank, I must have lost my mind-"

"There's no one that hasn't lost their mind, especially when it comes to our families." Woody looked around at the rest of the team; everyone else nodded alongside him.

"There's nothing wrong with losing your mind for a little while. It just means that you're human." Ed pitched in, stepping forward. "However if you let it consume you, then you have a problem."

"Honestly, not everything is back to normal. It won't be for awhile, but we're doing our best to make things work. So thank you, for all that you've done-all of you."

"We're just glad you're both okay." Leah insisted, to which everybody else nodded in agreement.

"Thank you."


	18. Burn Me Down

""Greg." Ed greeted as he strolled over to his desk that was sitting in the middle of the room."What brings you by?"

"Thought you might want to see the final results." Ed stated, not giving much explanation as he passed the folded paper to Greg. Truth be told, he didn't need to go into much detail as they had all been waiting for this day since the bombing had taken place.

"Final results." Greg repeated, unfolding the piece of paper. His eyebrow rose up and down as he carefully read each line, then took a few minutes to read it over again. When he was finished, he took off his glasses and set them on top of a closed file. He opened his mouth to say something but closed it again until he had gathered his thoughts. "Destroyed vest and phone-are you trying to tell me she's out there somewhere?"

"That's the impression I'm getting, but I don't think I can believe it until I see her alive and kicking. If that's even possible at this time."

"Have you told the team?"

"Only Sam, and now you. He agrees that we should keep this quiet until we get more information."

"Probably best to do just that." Greg nodded in agreement, folding his glasses and taking a seat due to his now damaged leg. "I don't have to remind you it's been a month a half since we saw her last. What happened to Jimmy could have very well happened to her too."

"Maybe. We had a meeting with Team Three a couple days ago, and every single one of them would have run into that building if they had the chance. We owe it to her to exhaust every last straw until we know if she's alive or not."

Greg held up his hands in surrender as he pulled his chair up to his desk and leaned back. "Hey, you don't have to try and convince me. I was already in frrom the beginning. Let me know what you want me to do and I will."

"I will." Ed called over his shoulder as he prepared to leave. "Actually, there is something you can do."

"Name it."

"Locate Hank just in case we need to explain what we find."

"He's still not coming home?"

"No. I don't blame the guy either. He's the happiest he's ever been, then receives the news about his wife getting blown up by a bomb."

Greg nodded, letting out a tense breath. "I'll see what I can find out."

After that short meeting, Ed had a spring to his steps as he walked through the familar doors of the SRU. The weight on his shoulders felt lighter, despite the fact that whatever information they found out would either damper or disappate the gloom that had hanging over them for the past month and a half.

"Winnie." Ed greeted the operator, who was busily filing a stack of files into the cabinet. "Any calls while I was gone?"

"None. But you do have a visitor waiting." She gestured to the where a blonde was sitting at the table with her back to them. "Emily Sabine."

"Thanks, Winnie." A few long strides and Ed was standing in front of her, Donna's younger sister. She was dressed in a light blue dress shirt, black slacks and pumps-as if she had just gotten off work.

"Ed, right?"

"Ed Lane." He reintroduced himself as they shook hands and sat across from each other. "What can I help you with?"

"Hank mentioned before he left that Donna might have left some belongings here."

"Things have been so crazy around here that we haven't been able to clean out her locker yet."

"Do you mind if I take them over to the house? I'm leaving tomorrow and Hank decided to spend some time away after the funeral."

"I'll show you to the locker room." Ed stood up slowly. "How is Hank?"

Emily flashed him a sad smile as they walked down the hall. "After a year and a half of being able to come home to a happy home, he's alone and heartbroken."

"Pass on the message that we're here if he needs anything?"

Emily nodded as he opened up Donna's locker to reveal a black duffel bag, a few papers and a picture of her and Hank. "Donna was always the organized one. We had to share a room back when we were teenagers. I thought she was going to throw every belonging that was on the floor at me." Her smile faded as she held onto the picture of Hank. "How I would love to have that all back again. I know Hank would too, but I know our father will be happy to get the chance to see her again now that they're both up in heaven."

"I'm sorry to hear that he passed away. I'll make sure to pass it on to both Team One and Three." When she didn't respond, but rather went to pulling the duffel bag out of the locker, he excused himself. "I have some paper work to finish. If you need anything, Winnie is at the front desk."

"Thank you for taking care of my sister when we couldn't." Emily concluded, holding the picture tightly in her hand. Not knowing what else to say, he signaled his own appreciation before exiting the room.

* * *

April 17, 2011

"Donna." Dr. Luria gestured to her to enter the room where they could talk privately. "Thank you for coming. How was your vacation with Hank?"

"It was good."

"Have a seat." She gestured to the tan couch that was adjacent to her dark oak desk. As many doctors office as I had been in over the years, I enjoyed that her office had been painted a light yellow and big canvases of bright flowers were hung all around the room. It made the place feel comfortable, not sterile and boring. "What made your vacation good?"

"Hank and I got to talk. No interruptions, no responsibilities-just us."

"Sounds like it was what you both needed."

"It was."

Dr. Luria leaned forward in her chair, her yellow notepad resting on her lap. "Now, I usually like to talk to people at least a few times before they have to return to work, but I know with Hank being in the hospital, and you two taking a much needed vacation-this is the first time we've gotten to sit and talk."

"It is."

"You mentioned a few minutes ago that you talked with Hank while on vacation. Did you talk to him about what happened with your ex-partner, or did you mostly make small talk?"

"We talked a little. Both admitted that we didn't really know how to talk about it with each other."

"The shooting?"

"Yes. He said that he didn't know if he could forgive him. Hank is a very forgiving man."

"So you think he was just saying that to make you feel better about what happened?"

"Maybe. I suppose I would have to ask him about what he meant by that."

"And you?"

"Me?" I sucked in a deep breath as I let my hands rest in my lap. "I suppose I have a long way to go. He was my ex-partner when we were in Vice. I trusted him with my life up until a certain point and somehow I have to deal with that betrayal."


	19. Hearts a Mess

On Monday, the team gathered at a small church where a memorial had been put together by Jimmy's widow, Veronica. As she greeted a long line of people who had come to pay her respects, her two young children hung at her legs.

"She looks tired." Jules observed, looking around an older gentleman who leaned heavily on his cane. "I wonder if we can take the kids for a few hours so she can have some peace and quiet."

"Good idea." Sam agreed, putting his hand on Sadie's back as she slept in the crook of his shoulder. "Not sure I'm loving that we've choosen to take our daughter to every memorial we go to. Would hate for her get used to this."

"I know." Jules stated quietly, snaking her arm around his waist. "My parents are so good to take her during the week, I didn't want to be away from her for another couple hours while we attend this memorial."

"Point taken."

They moved up farther in the line where they could see Ed and Wordy sitting in the front row of the chapel as they approached Jimmy's widow. "Jules, thank you for coming."

"I'm so sorry, Veronica."

"Thank you." Veronica hugged her tighter as she wiped at her eyes. "This must be your husband."

"Yes, Veronica this is Sam, and our daughter, Sadie."

"She's precious." Her gaze was unfocused as she looked at Jules with unshed tears. It was clear that children wasn't on her mind, but more of a slight distraction in her grief. ""I'm sorry, I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment."

"Let Sam and I take the children for a few hours."

"I couldn't do that to you." Shaking her head, Veronica looked down at her children who were playing at her feet.

Jules looked at her sternly, her tone filled with concern. "When's the last time you got a good night's sleep?"

"Honestly?" She heaved out a little breath while nervously pulling on her black skirt. "Not since Jimmy died." She sniffled a little as she lifted her chin at the thought as she changed the subject. "How's Donna's family doing?"

"Her sister's still here visiting." Jules looked at Sam for confirmation. "I don't think she's plans to stay much longer."

"Jimmy mentioned once that her dad wasn't doing too well."

"He actually passed away." Sam filled in the blanks, rubbing circles on the small of Sadie's back. Jules gave him a surprised look as she looked back over at Veronica, who had pulled her son into her arms.

"That's horrible." She touched Jules' shoulder with another sniffle. "Please give her sister my condolences."

"We will." Sam promised as they walked towards their teammates. "Let us know if there's anything we can do for you."

"Her dad died? When did that happen?" Jules whispered as they made their way towards the pews.

Sam shrugged, adjusting Sadie's blanket over his arm. "Ed announced it this morning. Which reminds me-how did her doctor's appointment go? She's out like a light."

"She was good, up until she got her two month shots." Jules stated with slight humor in her tone, just as he looked down to see a bandaid on Sadie's legs.

* * *

April 19, 2011

"Donna." Jimmy approached me as I put my belongings back in my locker. I had stuffed a number of belongings into my duffel bag when I had been suspended. I had so much anger that day and the feeling had been replaced with tender emotions as I returned to my first day of work. "Welcome back. Things haven't been the same without you here."

"It's good to be back." I silently thanked him, lifting my uniform off the hook. "I take it Team Three is in the gym?"

"Trying to look their best."

"Why aren't you with them?" I half teased, eyeing his outfit which consisted of a grey hoodie and black running pants.

"I was filling up my water bottle when I saw you walk in." Reaching behind him as he sat on the bench, he pulled out a clear water bottle with a dark blue top. "Thought I might come welcome you back before the day begins."

"It's sure to be a busy one."

"It always is knowing someone out there will have some sort of crisis-robbing banks, civil disputes and kidnappings. All in a days work."

That made me smile as I pulled my hair up into a high ponytail. Not because work was tough and exhausting most days-more like returning to work was the first step to normal. "It wouldn't be work without it. Is everyone on Team Three here already?"

"I believe they are. Why?"

"I would like to talk to everyone before we're called to a case."

"I will let everyone know then." Retreating towards the door, there was a certain stride in his step as he disappeared behind a row of tan lockers. As soon as he was gone, I closed my locker with a slight thud and went to change. When I came out of the room five minutes later, my team was waiting with open ears as they sat around the gym.

"I know we probably have a busy day ahead of us, so I wanted to take a few minutes to let you know my appreciation for all your concern-on behalf of my husband and for me as well. What we do for a living can bring unseen problems, whether we want them to happen or not. I don't have to remind you we risk our lives daily to keep others safe. It should be a priority to keep ourselves safe too. And now I know that if anyone of us has a problem, we're here to support and protect one another no matter what happens."


	20. On the Edge

"Hey, Ed." Sophie said softly as he opened the passenger door of their SVU."If I haven't told you enough, I love you so much."

"I love you too. Where's this coming from?"

"I feel like everything that's happened lately, I haven't said those three words enough. To you, to our children, even the people we have grown to love."

"I know you love me. They know you love them."

"Do they?" She inquired, slipping into the empty seat. "Do they really know how much we love them?" Sighing, he went around the car; closing the door behind them so they could discuss this matter privately.

"Of course they do. If it weren't for you, our children would have run away by now." He joked quietly, hand resting on the steering wheel. "If you want to call them, call them. I'm sure Clark and Isabelle are trying not to kill each other right now."

That made her laugh a little, which seemed to release some of the tension that had been building the last month and a half. "I wouldn't doubt it. He hasn't spoken to anyone since what happened with Donna, so I'm not sure it was a great idea to leave them alone together."

"I'm sure they're fine." He assured her, putting the keys into the ignition as she turned to look out the window. Her reflection expressed a mother's worry as they faced each other. "I don't think I have to tell that Clark chose to stay home with Izzie."

"Yeah, that's not suspicious at all. " She teased, digging through her purse until she had located a piece of gum and stuck it in her mouth.

"I do too. Then again, he's just like me and we should be grateful that he even accepted to babysit. Everyone else was busy or going to the memorial."

"You know through all of this, I never asked how you were doing with all this. I know you've been doing this for a long time. That doesn't mean that this is any easier for you as it is as anyone else-"

"When it has to do with my family-work or home-it hurts. Not only was Donna a part of our family, she loved our children like they were her own. And Jimmy, he was loyal to the team and to her. I loved Jimmy, but Donna was one of a kind. If I could do anything to bring her back, I would."

"Me too." Sophie admitted softly as he started the engine.

* * *

APRIL 20, 2011

"What's this I hear about you hiking up a mountain in Hawaii?" Wordy put a sturdy hand on Hank's shoulder. "I thought you were supposed to be recovering."

"It was a crazy idea. Personally I'm surprised Donna even agreed to it." He gestured over to his wife who was talking to Sophie and Shelly a few feet away. "She's a good woman. I'm not sure what she would do if she didn't have the girls or the team."

"We don't know what we'd do without her either. I know the girls love having another person to hang out with them and give some insight to what we do at work."

"I'm sure they do." Hank nodded in agreement. "Although I hear more of the bad than the good. How's the new job treating you?"

"It's good. Not like what it was in the SRU-"

"Of course. I can't imagine anything being like that place." Hank smiled widely as he took another sip of his drink.

"Excuse me. I need to go say hi to the Boss." Wordy gestured over to Greg, who was walking over towards Jules and Sam.

"Do you have the keys?" Hank leaned over and whispered into her ear. "I need to get my medication out of the car."

Donna reached into her pocket, pressing the keys into the palm of his hand. "Weren't you supposed to take those this morning?"

"I decided I would take my last pills last a little later. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow so I wanted to make it last until I really needed it. The doctor and I had talked about weaning me off the drugs slowly since they're so strong. Probably a good idea as the last thing we need is for me to be addicted to drugs."

"Go then." She shooed him off with a smile as he disappeared towards the parking lot. "What's going on?" She asked Wordy, after joining the rest of the team.

"Not sure. I think it has something to do with Sam and Jules."

"Work relationship. I haven't worked with Jules, but I always had a feeling she and Sam were close."

"I've missed your insights."

Donna laughed heartily. "And I've missed your humor and jokes."

"Don't lie. You know you liked it."

"After you almost pulled that newby joke? I don't know." She feigned hurt, shrugging her shoulders as they turned her attention back to Parker answering his cell phone, then Sam and Jules hugging each other.

"Now if it isn't obvious, these two have been cleared by the chief to stay on Team One, despite what they decide to do in their free time." Greg announced to everyone standing nearby.

"Thank you." Sam mentioned with much appreciation to his boss. Not only could they have gotten in huge trouble for being romantically involved, but their boss could have lost his job for allowing their relationship in the first place.

"No, Sam, thank you." Greg turned the appreciation back to Sam. "We usually get to choose our teammates. But in your case, we had greatness thrust upon us. Proud to have you here."

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be." Sam looked over at Jules, his eyes full of love and anticipation at what the future held for them as a couple.

"I guess you were right." Wordy told Donna quietly as they stood there, watching the exchange between former coworkers.

"I'll save that favor for a later date. I'm going to grab another beer."


	21. Weight on the Shoulders

With a swift knock on the door, he heard a muffled reply of come in as he twisted the doorknob, which revealed a dark oak desk in the middle of the room. A blonde haired woman peered over the pile of files before she extended her hand out to him. "You must be my nine o'clock." She extended her hand to him. "I'm Tiffany Alderman."

"Ed Lane."

"Please have a seat." She gestured to the seat in front of her desk as she rounded the desk and immediately cleared a place so she could see him better. "I apologize for the sea of files on my desk. It's been a madhouse since last week."

"Understood. It's been kind of an adjustment over at the SRU as well."

"Yes, I read the file." She looked quite apologetic. "I'm sorry for your loss. My boss said you might have some questions about what we found. Are you wanting to know about everything we found or something specific?"

"Something specific."

"Okay. Let me just grab the file." Opening the middle drawer of her desk, she opened the middle drawer, setting the file in front of her.

"I could be pulling at strings here, but I would like to know in what condition Constable Sabine's vest and phone were in after the bomb went off."

"According to this, both her vest and phone were pretty much destroyed, just like it stated on the final report."

"Does your report say where they found the vest or the phone?"

"It's hard to specifically say whether it's the exact place, or if it fell later on." She scanned the paper, before turning the page. "I'm not seeing anything that says about where they were found." Scanning the paper, she paused abruptly. "Hang on-it says here that the vest was found almost directly below the lab floor."

"And the phone?"

"The phone was found almost at the foot of the stairs as you go down from the lab." She pushed her chair back from the desk. "Can I ask you what this is regarding?"

"I'm not sure yet." Ed pushed his own chair back so he could stand, then extended his own hand to her, despite the confused expression she wore at his need for a sudden departure. "Thank you for your time."

* * *

APRIL 21, 2011

"Hank?" I made my way into the house, silently realizing it was unusually quiet for a week day. He was almost always in the kitchen, making dinner. Tonight there were no boiling pots on the stove, no banging or clanging as he grabbed a metal bowl to mix ingredients in. There was absolutely nothing going on and I was starving for something good to eat.

Setting my work bag by the back door, I stepped further into the house; listening for any sound that may not belong-or any sound for that matter that he was well after I left the house this morning.

When I walked towards the bedroom, the floorboards creaked beneath my weight as I rounded the corner. My heart pounded against my chest as my thoughts spun to some freak accident that might have happened while I was at work, then quieted as I peered in from the entrance to our bedroom.

He was curled up on his side, his hand resting underneath his head as he slept. The dark purple bags underneath his eyes were ever present. Despite his medication, he hadn't been sleeping well since we got home from our vacation. I knew it probably had something to do with that hike we took back in Hawaii, but his excitement-accomplishing something so hard when he could have walked away and said no-was too much not to accept.

I knew more than anything that he had to do this for himself. He had been so strong throughout all of this; I still couldn't understand how when I felt nothing but continual hurt, anger and sadness.

"Hey, you're home." He muttered sleepily, not even opening his eyes to know that I was standing there. "I heard you walk in, but I couldn't respond-too tired."

"Your doctor's appointment went that well, huh?"

"He didn't ask and I didn't tell." Pausing his stretched his arms across the pillow as he now laid on his back. "In fact, I think he forget that we even went on vacation. "He said that I was progressing, prescribed me some less addicting pills and sent me on my way."

"He didn't notice how stiff you were?"

"He didn't say I pulled anything when he was examining me, so he probably contributed it as recovering from surgery. I don't plan on telling him either." He blinked back the sleep after rubbing at his eyes. "What time is it?"

"Almost a quarter to six." I said, looking at the watch on my wrist. "What time did you get home from work?"

"About four." He thought back in frustration as he looked at his alarm clock on his side of the bed. "So basically I just took a two hour nap."

"Probably good. I often feel you moving around at night." Walking across the room, I sat on the edge of the bed. "So I know you're not sleeping very well."

"Honest question" He stated, resting his hand on the comforter. "If you hear me moving around in the middle of the night, am I waking you up, or are you already up? I ask this because you were having some pretty intense nightmares before we went on vacation."

"I'm usually asleep in the middle of the night, but I still have nightmares from time to time." I admitted. "I think the vacation was good though. I have been able to sleep a lot better than I have in the past couple weeks."

"Glad to hear that." He shot me a sleepy smile. "I guess my chicken alfredo will have to wait until tomorrow. What should be do for dinner?"

"We still have some leftover clam chowder and bread. It's probably the perfect night to eat the rest of it." I suggested, suddenly craving the goodness of a homemade soup. I had been able to come home a little early yesterday and made some soup from scratch. It was the perfect thing to have, and it would be the perfect thing to have tonight too.

"Anything sounds good right now." He mentioned as I braced myself against his weight so he could sit up in bed. "Since returning back to work this week, I haven't had the energy to cook many complex meals; rather meals that require me to stand more than a few minutes."

"Maybe we need to come up with some easier recipes that we can make that don't require you to stand long, and for me to not have to make great big meals after a long day at work."

"Sounds like a plan. How about we make a plan after dinner?"

"If you're up for it."

"I'm definitely up for it."

"After dinner then." I repeated his earlier words, heading towards the kitchen. "I'll see you there."

"Now you know that's not fair." He smirked, taking small steps across the room. "You can walk faster."


	22. Dark Matter

"Soph." Ed called towards the kitchen as he walked through the front door of their house. As her footsteps trailed to the arch of the kitchen door, she wiped her hands on a dish towel and kissed his lips in greeting.

"Hey. How was work?"

"It was good." He kissed her on the lips, then dropped his work bag at his feet. "I think the team is finally finding their footing again."

"Honey, that's great."

He nodded, filling a glass up with water. "The kids upstairs?"

"Yes. Clark is upstairs ignoring the world, and Isabelle should be playing in her room."

"Should be?"

"She's been pretty mopy since-"

"Daddy!" Isabelle launched herself into her father's arms, while wearing a small crown and blue and white boa.

"Hi, Pumpkin."

"Hi." She pushed some unruly blonde curls out of her face. "What took you so long to get home from work?"

"Well." He pulled her into his arms as they sat down at the table. "You know Daddy helps people, right?"

"Uh huh."

"Well, there are a lot of people in the world that need help." He told her softly as he worked on untangling some hair from the crown on her head.

"Like me and Clark!" She piped up, excitedly pointing to herself.

"Yes, like you and Clark."

"Cept' I don't think Clark likes me anymore." She jutted out her lower lip, sinking further into his arms.

"Oh honey, that's not true." Sophie pulled up a chair. "Your brother is just going through a bit of a hard time right now."

"He is?"

"Yes. Speaking of your brother, why don't we go get him for dinner?"

"Do we have to?" She inquired, looking up at her father.

"Go with your mother."

"Okay." Isabelle hoped down, then grabbed her mother's hand with a sigh.

"Good answer. Now your father can stir the spaghetti sauce." Sophie squeezed her daughter's hand as they walked out of the kitchen.

"Oh, I see how it is." He joked, leaning back in his chair as they disappeared around the corner, then turned to uncover the lid from the pot of sauce. "Make the old man stir the dinner trick."

* * *

APRIL 23, 2011

"Donna?"

"I'll be out in a minute?" I mentioned edgigly as the timer went off on my phone. When I finally looked, I couldn't help but feel a slight disappointment as I gazed at the negative sign and choked back a sob. "I don't get it."

The truth was that I didn't expect the pregnancy test to be positive, yet it hurt to see a negative sign staring me in the face. After everything Hank and I had been through this year, I wanted just one thing to go right.

"What's wrong?" He asked, reading the sullen expression on my face after I had opened the door. "Donna, what's wrong?"

"I have been feeling a little off, so I decided to take a pregnancy test this morning."

"A pregnancy test?"

"Yeah, I thought that maybe I just might be-"

"Oh, Donna." Wrapping his hands around me, we held each other close. The light smell of his cologne calmed my nerves as we stood in the middle of the bathroom. When we broke apart, he brushed his thumb lightly to wipe away my tears.

"For everything we've been through lately, I just wanted it to be positive."

"I know you did. And I love you for it." Holding me close, a few tears spilled down my cheek and absorbed into his blue shirt. "You know I don't believe in much, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason."

"And if we don't get pregnant?"

"I will still love you." He pressed a small kiss to the middle of my forehead. "I will always love you."

"How can you always be so calm?"

"Because I always have you by my side."

"And if I weren't by your side?"

"I would most certainly fall apart."

"Me too." I said quietly, resting my hand on his chest. As I did, I couldn't help but admire the beautiful wedding ring on my finger, The one I had to take off while working. It always sat in my pocket, but I couldn't help but feel some guilt that I didn't always think of us while at work. Even though I knew being unfocused even for a moment, I could cost other people on my team their lives. I knew that. He knew that too. If he hadn't, he wouldn't have married me.

Now I just had to believe that I wouldn't lose him before he lost me.

"I don't feel like cooking tonight. How about we got out to eat?"

His voice was enough to pull me from my thoughts, and for that I was grateful. "Chinese?"

"Chinese sounds good to me." He smiled, snaking his arm around my waist. "And the good thing is that we don't even have to go that far for food." He grabbed the keys off the key rack. "Although I'm not sure either of us should be driving."

"We are quite the pair, aren't we?" I shot him a small smile as my breath hitched from the crying spell I had earlier.

"Yes, we are." We walked slowly to the garage door. "I need to know that you're okay before you go back to work tomorrow."

"I'm okay."

"Are you just saying that because its what I want to hear?" His eyebrow raised as he turned to face me in the middle of the living room.

"I would be lying if I didn't say that I was disappointed. I've always wanted to be a mother. Always. And when I got married to you, that desire intensified like no other."

"Okay, so maybe it's time to go see a doctor. Or better yet, maybe you're not getting pregnant because you're always under so much stress of the job."

"Is this your way of saying I need another vacation?"

"Doing better at taking vacations would probably be a good step in the right direction. I'm not just saying that for you, but for me too. I think I get just as sucked into work and routine as much as you do, and that's not necessarily a good thing."

We began walking to the garage, as if we had cleared the air of what had been on both of our minds. "Then it's settled. We'll try and take a vacation every six months."

"We won't just try. We will take a vacation every six months, even if it's only on the weekends."

"Every six months then." The keys jingled in his hands as I snatched them up. "I will be driving tonight. Your back still needs time to heal." I stated with sweet satisfaction as he made his way towards the passenger seat.


	23. Seeking Answers

"You sure you would want to do this?" Ed inquired as they parked in front of the abandoned Casey Jeffers building. With the ongoing investigation, it would be at least another month before anyone could touch this torn-ridden place. Not that they should be there either, let alone stepping foot into a condemed place that had killed two of their teammates.

"Are you kidding me?" Spike raised his eyebrow as he gazed over at him, then over to the building. "I'm not sure what we'll find, but do you know how many years I've been wanting to prove these people wrong?"

"No, I don't. But we also don't know if there's anything to prove them wrong with just yet." Ed shoved the keys into the left pocket of his jeans and they got out of the car.

"What does your gut say?" Spike peered over the SVU his boots crunching under the debris littering the ground.

"It's telling me something isn't right." They approached the building, watching their step as they entered the hollowed out wall, and then again as they walked up the stairs because half the railing was missing on the upper level.

"Okay, then. We know the bomb originated in here." Spike gestured towards the destroyed lab, carefully following the destruction patterns. Following the hall, they walked towards the other door in the lab. "We know she and Jimmy were standing about there." He circled his finger around the middle of the room.

"They probably would have tried to come out these doors." Ed pointed to the double doors nearest them. "The final results stated they found her vest almost directly below the lab. So I'm assuming the vest fell here." They both looked through the rather large hole in the hall floor.

"And her phone?"

"According to the results, her phone was found at the foot of the stairs where we walked up a few minutes ago."

"Hmm."

"Tell me what you're thinking, Spike."

"Although I want to believe the blast could have caused her vest and phone to go in different directions, I'm not sure that's the case this time." He looked up towards the direction of the blast site. "Most of the blast would have been contained in the lab. So I'm thinking that unless her phone ripped out of her vest and bounced off the wall at a certain angle, it could not have landed clear down at the bottom of the steps."

"So at some point she was holding her phone?"

"Maybe. I can't be certain. We have to assume that maybe she wasn't killed immediately in the blast and was trying to call for help when she woke up." Spike shrugged, continuing to look around for anything that could give them answers.

Ed turned on his heels, cautiously looking over the charred looking stairs. "That's one scenario that would make some sense to why her phone ended up at the bottom of the stairs, and not by her vest."

"Yeah, except those stairs lead right back to where we came from. It would have taken awhile for the smoke to clear, so it's possible she could have gotten past without anyone noticing. People are dazed and shocked at what just happened, so they don't take in that she's just another person involved in the blast."

"I'm not saying it's not possible, but I don't buy that she could have just walked out of the building without at least one person noticing. Most law enforcement knows Donna, especially after her investigation in the Delia Simple case."

"Is there a back way out of this building?"

"There's only one way to find out." Ed called over his shoulder as they both made their way back down to the main floor.

* * *

APRIL 26, 2011

"Happy one month anniversary." Hank kissed my cheek as I walked through the door one Tuesday evening. "A week late, give or take."

"Happy Anniversary." My tone was full of surprise as I set my work bag by the door. I took in the scene before me-a red tablecloth over the table, our nicest china set for two; a vanilla candle burning in the middle of the table and a red rose in a small vase sitting on the counter. "You did all this?"

"Thought it was the least I could do after the week you've had." He pulled the chair out so I could sit down, which I gladly obliged.

"Thank you." Pulling my chair in, I sniffed the air and recognized the familar scent Fettuccine Chicken Alfredo with white sauce. "You made my favorite-"

"Fettuccine Chicken Alfredo with white sauce."

My mouth watered as he set a plate full of noodles in front of me. "This looks delicious."

"Go ahead and dig in." He sat down with his own plate full of noodles, twisting his fork so the noodles wrapped around the metal prongs.

"This is what my day needed." I gestured to the noodles as I savored another bite that lingered of white sauce and cilantro. The rest of dinner was silent until we had scraped every last piece of food from our plates. "Thank you, that was delicious."

"You're welcome." He wiped his mouth with his napkin. "I will take that." He grabbed my plate before I could protest. I gave him a slight smirk, as there had been a lot of taking charge around here lately. "We can probably blow that candle out now."

"I kind of like it. The way our shadows dance around on the walls."

He took a moment to admire the way the glow of the candle flickered against the wall, then put our plates in the sink. "I do too. Not sure that we can see to put the food away with just a flicker of a candle."

"Right." The kitchen flooded with light as I rounded the table and flipped the switch. "That makes perfect sense." He grinned as he grabbed a few containers from the upper shelf in the cabinet, then rubbed at his lower back. "Your back still bugging you?"

"It's more like an annoying twitch or spasm, right here in the middle of my back."

"Your back is probably still protesting from that hike in Hawaii." I let out a laugh as I helped him put the rest of the food away. "That or because you were standing for a long period of time making dinner."

"I couldn't resist. It just seemed like you've been down ever since you took that pregnancy test."

"I guess I kind of have been. But I love how you always know how to cheer me up. And because you made dinner, you get to choose the movie."

"Really?"

"Really." I kissed him lightly on the lips to let him know of his appreciation. "Go choose something. I'll finish cleaning up here."

He opened his mouth as if he were going to argue over the few dishes sitting in the sink, then nodded in agreement. "Okay. I'll get the movie ready. Don't be too long."


	24. Kill Zone

"When Ed and I went to the Casey Jeffers building, we concluded that the location of the vest and her phone was peculiar." Spike began as they sat around the table to discuss what they found earlier in the day.

"In what way?" Sam inquired, suddenly intrigued as he sat up straighter in his chair.

"At first, it didn't make sense to how her vest ended up a floor down and her phone at the bottom of the stairs. Then we concluded a scenario that somehow Donna survived and called for help." Spike continued, even though it sounded unreal.

"Called for help? I'm all in for rising from the dead, but do we really believe that she could have survived a bomb that she was in the same room with?"

"It's a rough scenario." Ed pressed the importance of what they were saying.

"Okay, so let's say she survived. She dropped her phone at the foot of the stairs because it was destroyed?" Sam inquired, the wheels turning in his head as they bounced ideas off each other.

"That's what we were thinking."

"And the vest?"

"That was destroyed too." Spike piped up. "We can only imagine that because it was destroyed, there was no need for it."

"So she threw the vest and phone down when they were destroyed. If she's still alive, where is she?"

"That's where the trail goes cold." Ed sighed deeply. "We found a back door that leads near the back of the building. It didn't make sense that she could just walk out the front door without anyone seeing her, so that's the only other conclusion that we could come up with."

Spike nodded immensely into the conversation now. "She had several minutes after that bomb to make it out before anyone came in to inspect the building. We knew that both Donna and Jimmy were in that building, therefore we concluded that both had perished after the bomb went off."

"For all we know she could have been severely injured after that bomb went off. She could have been dazed when she walked out of the building." Sam issued, raising a good point.

"Which makes sense to why she didn't come to anyone for help." Spike concluded, his voice raising with apprehension at what this could mean for their friend and teammate.

"But wouldn't someone see that she was injured?" Sam asked yet another pressing question that needed to be answered.

"Not necessarily. There were a lot of people injured, and not everyone knew that we had cleared the building." Ed declared, his tone full of concern at what that meant. "And without her badge, her gun and her vest, she's just another bystander."

* * *

APRIL 26, 2011

"Hello?" Donna's voice was thick with sleep as she yawned and sat up on the couch. According to her watch, it was close to eleven-thirty, which meant the movie had been over for about three hours.

"Donna, it's Wordy. Did I wake you?"

"Hank and I were watching Black Swan. Next thing I know, I realized we must have both dozed off. What's going on? You never call me at this hour unless there's an emergency." Finding the remote buried in the couch cushion, I muted the TV, only because I didn't want to turn on any lights that would wake Hank.

"Lilly fell out of bed tonight, and got a good gash going across her forehead that we're probably going to have to get checked out by a doctor. She's pretty much screaming bloody murder and has woken up both Ally and Riley."

"Let me change and I'll be over."

"Thank you, Donna. You're a saint."

"Don't mention it." I stood from the couch. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Who were you talking to?" Hank muttered, eyes still closed.

"I was talking to Wordy. Lilly fell out of bed, and he asked me to come watch the girls while they take her to the ER."

"Did he say if she was okay?" He sat up with a groan at the mention of one Wordy's girl getting injured. He loved them just as much as I did.

"He said she was screaming bloody murder and woke up Ally and Riley too."

"Help me up, would you?" He extended his hand tiredly as he staggered a little as he stood on his feet. "That sounds like chaos to me. Do you want me to go with you?"

"No, you should get some rest. It's probably going to be pretty late by the time I get home."

"Okay." He kissed her cheek as he called over his shoulder as he walked down the hall. "I'm only one call away if you need me."

Grabbing my keys off my work bag, I went out to the garage and hopped into the car. Ten minutes later, I parked in front of Wordy's house. It looked like a lit up Christmas tree with all the lights on.

It must be bad.

I made sure to close the car door quietly. At this hour, she didn't need anyone looking through their window and wondering what was going on. By the time she reached the porch, the door had opened to a slightly frazzled looking Shelly.

"Hey, Donna. Thank you for coming." She held the door open and hugged her tightly as I walked into the house.

"Of course. The girls still awake?"

"Yes." She sighed, giving a tired glance upstairs. "Now that they're awake, thanks to Lilly's screaming, they won't go back to sleep."

"I'll see what I can do." I reassured her before walking her upstairs.

"Thanks. We'll try not to be too long."

I nodded, already familiar with where all the girls were sleeping. Ally's room was near the end of the hall, where all of them were gathered, all squashed on the bed together while Wordy was reading them their favorite book Green Eggs and Ham. "So I heard three little girls who weren't sleeping."

All three girls gasped as they peered around the book. "Aunt Donna?" They all said in unison.

"Mom and Dad didn't say that you were coming." Ally looked up at her father, who was grinning widely.

"Okay, Lilly. Let's go."

"Do we have to?" Lilly yawned, stalling to move out of the room. "Aunt Donna just got here."

"Yes. She came here to watch your sisters while we get your head checked out. Now move it."

"Bye, Aunt Donna."

"Bye, Lilly."


	25. Promise

"Hey." Sam waved Ed over as he stood at the front desk. "I've checked all the hospitals. There's no one that matches Donna's description."

"Nothing?" Ed kept his voice down as they moved away from anyone that might walk by. "What about any Jane Does?"

"I double checked that too." Sam leaned heavily against the wall, as if the weight of this information was tying him down. "There's no Jane Does that match her description."

Ed let out a frustrated sigh, almost a growl. "Okay. Check with nearby buisnesses to see if anyone could match her description, and we'll go from there. We should have done it before, but since we have no help and are keeping this to ourselves-"

"We have to do what we can." Sam raised his eyebrow, then let it drop. "I'll see what I can find out." With that, he walked back down the hall, so hopefully no one would catch on to what they were doing.

"Hey." Jules stopped him as he rounded the corner. "I got a babysitter for Sadie, so we can go out tonight."

"That's great."

"You okay? You seem kind of distracted." Jules cocked her head to the side as she stopped him in the middle of the hall. "In fact, you've been distracted for awhile. You almost put Sadie's bottle into the spaghetti sauce last night."

"I know. I won't let it happen again."

"Sam, what's going on?"

"I wish I could tell you but I can't." He closed the distance between them, touching her upper arm. "As soon I can, you're the first person I will tell."

There was a subtle pause between them as Jules considered what he was telling her. She didn't look happy about it, yet she surprised him with her answer. "Okay, but I want your head in the game. I don't want have to tell people that my husband got injured because he wasn't thinking."

* * *

APRIL 29, 2011

"Hey, Ed." I adjusted my work bag over my shoulder as he turned to meet my gaze. His body language was screaming frustration, mainly because of the case Team One had just gotten back from. It had been a case of an estranged father who wanted to talk to her daughter on her birthday. However, things took a turn for the worse when the girl pulled a gun from her purse. Greg forced Scorpio and Ed complied by shooting her.

"Donna."

"Want to talk about what happened today?" I could tell that he didn't. It was kind of a back and forth thing between us. We asked the other if they wanted to talk, even though we knew they didn't.

"Not really."

"Then how about a beer? I'm buying."

"Rain check? I told Sophie I would be home soon."

"Sure." I didn't hide my disappointment from. "You're going have to talk about it sooner or later. Heaven knows you didn't let me not talk about it when I had to take down a fellow cop." I called over the shoulder, leaving him standing there as I walked down the hall. "Goodnight."

So it hadn't been the best idea to ask Ed if he wanted to grab a drink. What he didn't know was that I didn't want to go home to an empty house. I didn't want to be able to look in my fridge and drink alone. Not that I would overdo it. It was more the simple fact that I could physically wrap my fingers around the bottle and drink.

Hank was at a conference in Winnipeg for a few more days, which made it that much easier to want a drink. The day hadn't been bad. It was more my failure to get pregnant that was on my mind. I was able to compartmentalize my thoughts when at work. When I was at home without him, my thought swarmed around me.

Like clockwork, just as I had almost decided to give in, my phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and smiled when I saw my husband's name flash on the screen of my phone.

"Hi."

"Hey, you just get home from work?"

"I did. I was contemplating what to have for dinner. Maybe a beer."

"That bad, huh?"

"Not me personally. Team One had a pretty rough go today."

He sighed over the phone. "What happened?"

"They had a case of an estranged spouse wanting to talk to his daughter on her birthday. When things got bad with her father, the daughter talked Greg into letting her help talk her father down. When she pulled out a gun from her purse, Greg was forced into calling Scorpio and Ed shot the girl."

"That's tough."

"I asked Ed if he wanted to go out for drinks, but he declined."

"So basically you're drinking alone."

"I haven't started drinking anything yet. However, yes, I will probably be drinking alone tonight."

"I wish I was there with you."

"I wish you were too. You'll be home in a couple days, so that's something to look forward to."

"It is. You know, you shouldn't let him get away so easily."

"Ed can take care of himself. Besides, he has a wife and kids that are looking after him."

"Yes, and you have a husband who could take care of you." He argued through the phone. "That's not my point. My point is that you are family, and you never let them get away without talking through it."

"I'll go over after I eat something." Looking in the fridge, I grabbed some sandwich meat from the drawer and worked on making myself a sandwich.

"Take care of yourself until I get back home."

"I will." I promised, although I didn't know if I could keep that promise. At least I had work to keep me preoccupied until I could hold him in my arms again.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I'll call you tomorrow after I get out of my meeting." He said, trying not to rush our conversation. "Let me know how things go with Ed."

"I'll probably text you tomorrow. I still have to get up early tomorrow for work."

"Anyone ever tell you work too hard?" I heard him smile through the phone. "I will look forward to hearing from you tomorrow."

"All the time." I smiled back, coming to the conclusion of our conversation. "Bye."

"Bye."


	26. The Fine Line

"We may have something." Sam interrupted as he and Spike barged into Ed's office. Ed turned his chair around, phone to his ear as he held up a finger for them to wait for a minute while he finished this call.

"Hey, Joe? I'm going to have to call you back." Ed listened intently to the other end of the conversation. "I'll call you back in a few minutes." A few seconds later, he hung up the phone as shot an expectant look Sam's way."What did you find?"

"After canvasing all the local businesses, we finally got a store manager at Valu-Mart who might have seen someone matching Donna's description."

"Any records to prove that?"

"He couldn't give us any camera surveillance because the store erases recordings every thirty days, but he remembers her because she was pretty injured." Sam grimaced at that last part, not wanting to know what that meant by those words. "He also said she was a little confused, so that's another reason why we can't confirm it's her. Although, it could be just the lead we need to find out."

"Does he know where she went after she went into the store?"

"No. He said that she had just enough money to buy a bandage for her leg, then walked out of the store. He looked for her again, but she never came back."

"So basically we're looking for a needle in a haystack." Ed blew out a tired sigh as he rubbed at his eyes.

"In a way, yes." Spike paused, digging into his coat pocket. "He did give us his card if we needed to talk to him again."

"Spencer Fisher." Ed turned the card between his fingers. "I'll give him a call."

"Team One. Gear up. Hot call! Hot call!" Winnie's voice rang over the speaker. Each one of them knew what that meant as they immediately stood up and exited the room.

"What do have, Winnie?" Ed inquired even before they had reached the front desk.

"Bomb threat at the movie theater."

"Don't these people ever learn?" Sam muttered, looking down the hall where Jules was heading towards the locker room.

"If they did, we wouldn't be in business." Spike piped up, patting Sam's shoulder as he left to change into his gear. Sam turned to do the same, Ed walking by his side.

"Trouble in paradise?" Ed inquired, lifting his eyebrow towards where Jules had just disappeared through.

"There will be if we don't find something about Donna." Sam made sure his voice was lowered so no one else could overhear their conversation. "I almost put Sadie's baby bottle in the spaghetti sauce last night."

Ed's lips parted into a half smile, although he didn't comment on it. "I hear you on that. If there's a chance everything works out, I'll take it." Pushing open the locker door, they joined the other teams getting ready that morning.

* * *

MAY 1, 2011

"Guess who?" Hank smiled, covering my eyes with his hands as I sat on the couch watching TV. I had registered the door closing as soon as he had come in. It was part of my training to always keep a listening ear for danger. Luckily I knew what his footsteps sounded like, and his voice was always imprinted in my mind.

"Hank." I smiled, leaning my head back against the couch as our lips collided against each other. "You're home. How was the conference?"

"I am." He gave a wide smile as he wrapped his arms around me. "It was good. Nothing I haven't seen before. When did you have time for all of this?" He gestured towards the living room and kitchen.

I shrugged, feeling him sit beside me on the couch. "I couldn't sleep one night, so I picked up the duster and the vacuum cleaner."

"Still not sleeping very well?"

"Only when you're not here." I turned my head towards him, offering a small smile. "I'm so glad you're back."

"I'm so glad to be home." He sighed, holding my hand in his. "Sleeping in a hotel room is not the same as being at home with you. If I could, I wouldn't go to these conferences if I didn't have to."

"I know. Just like I wouldn't go to work if I didn't have to."

"I won't believe you don't want to work until that time comes." He mentioned, unconvinced until that day came. I couldn't even imagine that day where I uttered the words that I was finished as a cop or working for the SRU. However, anything could happen when you held a badge and a gun.

"Me either. How was your flight?"

"It was good. Kind of long."

"Are you hungry? There's leftovers in the fridge."

He leaned his head against the couch, the weight of his tiredness reflecting as his eyes fluttered closed. "No, I think I'm just going to sit here for a moment, take a shower to get rid of all the germs that linger in airports, and sleep in my own bed with you."

"That sounds good." I began, scooting towards the edge of the couch." To do that you have to actually get up and walk."

He smirked lazily, not bothering to open his eyes. "Give me a few minutes. I'll get there."

"Okay. While you're resting, I'm going to get ready bed." After getting a lack of response, I walked down the hall towards our bedroom. Within a few minutes I was back in the living room, covering his sleeping form with a blanket. As I did, I couldn't help pause at how beautiful he looked when his head was nodding off to side; his chest rising steadily as I smiled and turned out the light.


	27. A Game of Silence

"Michelangelo, you need to eat." Spike's mother insisted for the third time that morning as they quietly sat at the table. She had cooked him eggs and sausage-usually his favorite that he would have gobbled up without a fight. However, last night Ed had promised to call the store manager at Valu-mart, and so far, he had heard nothing about it. That alone, killed his appetite.

"I'm sorry, Ma." He apologized, hopping up from the table. "It's just that I have a case that I need to get to." Quickly taking a bite of egg, he chewed slowly as he put his plate in the fridge then swallowed."I love you. Thank you for making breakfast." Kissing her on the cheek, he grabbed his bag from the floor and disappeared out the door.

When he arrived at the office, he had to take several deep breaths before getting out of his car. His nerves were on high alert, and the last thing he needed was someone to question why he was that way. He needed to focus; clear his mind of all distractions, or he could potentially become the next casuality of the job.

"Hey, you okay? You didn't call last night." Winnie called out from behind the front desk. She was removing her headset as he approached.

"Yeah, sorry. I've been helping my mom pack up some of my dad's belongings she couldn't let go after he died. She wants to have a garage sale on Saturday, but her English isn't the best."

"Need any help?"

"Maybe." Spike shrugged, putting his arms back by his side. "Right now all we're doing is packing up things. Who knows, maybe it won't happen."

"Do you not want it to happen?"

"I think it will be good for her. She's been doing her best to move past his death. She doesn't talk about him often. Although, I catch her looking pictures of them that she has on her nightstand, or a photo album that she started putting together about two years ago."

"Sounds like he was the eternal love of her life."

"He was."

"Who was?" Jules asked, suddenly appearing to him at the front desk. She was sporting a white shirt and yoga pants, along with her work bag over her shoulder.

"His mom-she wants to throw a yard sale on Saturday."

"I can't believe it's already been a year." Jules stated in slight disbelief. "If you need help, let us know. Sam and I would be glad to help move things out to the sale."

"I will probably take you up on that offer." He tapped two fingers on the desk. "I should get ready."

Winnie nodded, as Jules stayed behind to talk to her. "Is it just me or is there something going on with all the guys in this place?"

"I wish I knew. Spike has been pretty distant lately, and making up excuses why he can't go out. Or he forgets that we're even going out in the first place."

"Sounds like he's been pretty distracted."

"That's what worries me."

"I think the feeling is mutual." Jules sighed, her ponytail swinging back and forth. "Sam almost stuck Sadie's bottle in our dinner."

"Him too? Great. The last thing we need is another injury on either one of these teams." Winnie blew out a breath as she readjusted her headset, then sat down in her chair.

"Let's just get through this day, and then we will address the situation."

"Amen to that." Winnie echoed the sentiment with a relieved sigh.

May 3, 2011

As I walked into the house, the faint sound of a basketball game played out its final few minutes of the third ending."How was work?" Hank tore his eyes away from the screen as he twisted his body to look over at me with a faint smile.

"Tiring." I dragged myself over to the couch after I had dropped my bag by the door. "We dealt with a father who called because he was worried his wife was endangering their kids. It turns out the mom was dealing with postpartum depression and felt like she couldn't take life any more."

"Sounds intense."

"It was." Letting our conversation fade into the sounds of shoes screeching across the court, basketball swishing through the hoop and the crowd roaring. "Whose winning?"

"Honestly, I haven't been paying attention."

"Why? Something happen at work." I tipped my chin up towards him.

"No, it's an intern we're training. He's great, but it's going to take awhile for him to get all the lingo down."

"Are you telling me he's wearing you down?"

"I'm telling you that it's tiring." Reaching across the coffee table, he grabbed the remote and turned off the television. "I haven't been as energetic since-"

"Since you were shot."

"Yeah." He said softly, regret in his voice for bringing it up. "However, I have no doubt that things will get better soon." He reassured me, stretching his arm across the back of the couch. "They already are."

Leaning forward, I scrubbed my hand over my face. "Sometimes I feel like I'm never getting over this bump in the road."

"You will. I can't say it will be today, tomorrow, or next week." He massaged the back of my neck, as if the motion would calm me. "You are the smartest person I know, Donna. If anyone can get over a bump in the road, all my money is on you."

"You really think so?" I cuddled up to him, letting my head rest on his shoulder.

"I don't think so." He stated matter of factly. "I know so."

"How did I get so lucky?"

"That's one question I ask myself every day. I couldn't have picked anyone better for my wife."

After that revelation, I felt the stress of the day melt away. He had a way of doing that, and I hoped life was always that way-making me feel like the most special person in the room."Was it worth the wait?"

"Waiting to find you was so worth the wait."


	28. Incredible

"Ed." Sam greeted his coworker as he passed him in the locker room. It had been nearly two weeks since they had heard anything about Donna, and they had all been feeling the frustration that came with it-at least the three people that knew about their plan.

"Sam." Ed gave him a weary nod back as he set his black work bag on the bench. They had all but stopped talking about what they had found, mainly because they had exhausted every lead they had found.

"I got an interesting message on my machine late last night. I'm not sure why the manager from Valu-Mart didn't call sooner."

"Wait, he called you?"

"He did." Sam handed him the phone. "He's got some information that I think you're going to want to hear."

Ed put the phone up to his ear and listened. "Mr. Broddock, it's Spencer Fisher from Valu-Mart. I thought you might want to hear that I got some information on your friend. Her name is Alice Henderson. Her number is-"

"Do you have a pen?"

"I already have it written down." Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out a ripped piece of paper.

"I guess I'll give her a call later today." Ed stood, up a little more spring in his step. "This may be just what we needed, Sam."

"I sure hope so. I don't know how much longer I can keep this a secret from Jules." Just then the door opened and they both let out a relieved breath. "Spike."

"Ed."

"You two having a secret meeting in here?"

"No, but I think you're going to want to hear this message that was left on Sam's phone." Ed said, gesturing for Sam to hand him the phone. Spike pressed the phone to his ear, listening to the message. His eyebrows rose when the message ended, like he couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"So, it's safe to say she's alive?"

"It's safe to say we know we're getting closer." Ed granted as he turned to open his locker.

"Does that mean we can tell everyone now?" Spike almost pleaded. "Winnie has been wanting to know why I've been so distracted lately. The garage sale is over, and I'm running out of excuses to give her."

"Jules is doing the same thing." Sam sat down on the bench. "I keep telling her I'll let her in when I can."

"Perhaps we owe this manager another visit before we tell everyone what we're up to." Ed mentioned softly, as they all hushed as the locker door swung open.

* * *

May 8, 2011

"Donna?" Ed's voice came through the team intercom as I drove down the street in the SVU with my own team. Jimmy who was sitting in the passenger seat next to me, perked up as Ed and I began our conversation.

"Yeah, Ed. Go ahead."

"Sam had a vehicle match on a blue van and headed out of the building to check it out. According to witnesses, Brendan Rogan rushed back into the office, took a black medical bag belonging to Dr. Jason Alston and headed back to the van. Rogan took off before Jules could reach them."

"Any reason why Rogan would take both the doctor and Sam?"

"Before we lost connection with Sam, he mentioned a boy needing medical attention. As for why Sam was there, I'm guessing Rogan got there before he could leave."

"Tell us what you want us to do, Ed." Looking into the rearview mirror, I turned the SVU down a back road. It took all my willpower not to turn the car around and drive back to headquarters at top speed. Any time anyone in the SRU got injured or killed, my blood went cold. The only thing getting me through those hard times was the fact any of us would do anything we could to get them back.

"Help Winnie dig up information on this guy. The more we know, the faster we can find him." He mentioned, not skipping a beat. By the urgency in his voice, I knew he wanted to say more. However, after Dr. Toth shook up Team One that led to Wordy transferring to Guns and Gangs, I knew Ed was always considering his words. We all did. When every word was recorded, scrutinized and sent to the top, we did everything we could to not give anyone reason to doubt us.

"Copy that."

After returning to headquarters, I filled in my team about what was going on with Team One and tracking down Rogan. My team and I did our research, gathering what information we could. I knew at any moment, Ed would be calling for an update. In fact, I was surprised he hadn't called yet by the time we had gathered enough information to send his way.

"Donna, tell me what you've got."

"Ed, Rogan's got a nine year old son named Curtis. Both Rogan and his son were caught on the traffic cam this morning and they looked scared."

"You think someone is after them?"

"That's one possibility out of several. It also turns out that Alston and Rogan knew each other before today."

"Nothing is ever a coincidence with this job." Ed muttered into his headset. "At least we know why Rogan kidnapped the good doctor."

"You don't have to tell me twice about the coincidences of this job." I stated, knowing the full array of coincidences this job brought to our lives each day. At some point, each one of us had struggled more than once with the aftermath of other people's choices. We did everything we could to make the right decisions, but sometimes even those decisions were not enough.

"We all know what we have to do." Ed's voice vibrated through my thoughts.

"We get the doctor and his son back in one piece. And then we get Sam back."

"Copy that."


	29. Subtle Mistake

The next day, Sam, Ed and Spike walked into Valu-Mart like they were on a mission. Due to their workload, they were forced to postpone grilling Spencer Fisher for a day, which only seemed to cause more frustration for all of them. Particularly because they wanted answers to Donna's well-being.

Was she alive like Spencer had eluded to over the phone? Or was she dead like everyone else thought she was?

"Can I help you?" A woman in her mid-thirties, wearing an olive green shirt and black pants strolled up and successfully planted herself in front of them. Her jet black hair swished back and forth across her back everytime she moved to block their way.

"Yeah, we're looking for your manager, Spencer Fisher." Ed mentioned in a non-threatening way, although his body language showed he wasn't in the mood for any funny business. Sam and Spike had similar stances as they stood on either side of Ed.

"Can I ask who you are?" Although she wasn't large in stature, she shot them a very stern look.

"Police."

"Police?" Her bushy eyebrows shot up in alarm, then softened as her expression relaxed. "You must be acquiring to that police officer who went missing after the explosion. Spencer told me about that." She began walking towards the back of the store as they followed her into a back office.

"Spencer? You in here?"

It took several seconds before his response came behind a pile of boxes, stacked just to the side of his desk. "Going through inventory. Can it wait?"

"I'm afraid not. You have some visitors who have some questions for you?"

He peered around the boxes, his black wiry glasses covering the mole on the side of his nose. "How can I help you, officers?"

"The phone number you gave us, it was disconnected." Ed mentioned as they all gathered in the small office.

"I don't know what else to tell you. The number I gave you is the one we had in our system."

"Can you check again? Maybe it was written down wrong." Sam asked the manager impatiently. At his insistence, Spencer gave a frustrated sigh, sitting down at his computer; fingers clicking against the keyboard as he searched the database.

Grabbing a piece of paper, he scribbled down the name and address again. Ed took it hastily, exiting the office to make the call.

"You really want to find her, don't you?" Spencer asked, gazing up from the screen.

"We do." Spike nodded back at him, trying to keep the annoyance at bay. Who did this guy think he was anyway? "You're sure that the blonde you saw was this person?" Flipping through the pictures on his phone, he finally landed on a picture of him and Donna at the work reunion. In fact, it was the last memory they had snapped together.

"Still disconnected." Ed came back into the office, frustration lacing the tone of his voice as he held the phone tightly in his hand.

Sam gave Spencer a critical look as he stood near the desk."So you're telling me you have no other number? No address?"

"Take a look for yourself." Spencer turned the screen around so they could look.

"Stop." Sam uttered loudly as he pointed to the screen, which kept Spencer from scrolling any farther down the page. "So that number in the notes section, the one that says new number, is not anything of importance?"

"Let me look." Spencer turned the screen back around. "I swear that number wasn't there the last time I checked the database."

"Yeah, right." Spike scoffed, rubbing at his mouth as he exited the office to cool down before he said anything he might regret.

"I swear to you that number was not there." Spencer reached into the top drawer of his oak desk, pulling out a pen and colorful notepad, before scribbling down a few numbers and handed it to Ed. "I can ask around if those numbers don't work, but I haven't seen or heard that your friend has come back since. Just Alice."

"Do we even know Alice is her real name?" Sam asked the unspoken question that they had all been wondering. In fact, it was one possibility they hadn't wanted to consider was true, until this moment.

May 12, 2011

"Hey, Sam. Welcome back." I patted him on the shoulder as I walked past him in the hall. He had just spent the last four days on leave as they finished up the investigation with their last case.

"Thanks, it's good to be back." Sam scratched the back of his head as he changed the subject. "Hey, how are things going between you and Hank?"

"Things are going as well as they could be. We've been married for nearly three months and we've been through way more than we thought we would go through as a married couple."

"Through better or worse." He recited part of the wedding vows with grin. "Or rather, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

"That too."

"You know, if you ever need to talk: I'm here, right?" His eyes held an intense expression as he faced me in the middle of the hall.

"I am fully aware of that option."

"When Jules was shot, I felt like things were falling apart for us. I imagine its the same way for you and Hank right now."

"We still have a long way to go to heal, that's for sure. We were betrayed by someone we both trusted, and now we have to face those consequences."

"That's easier said than done. I'm making sure Jules and Sadie are taken care of if something ever happens to me."

"Have you thought about if something happens to Jules, where Sadie will go if you're not around?"

"Most likely with her father, or my parents. We've asked both to be guardians if anything were to happen to either of us."

"Okay then."

"What about Hank? Have you thought about what you would do if something happened to you?"

"I made him promise if something happened, he would move on and find someone to spend the rest of his life."

"And what did he say to that?"

"That he didn't think he could spend his life with anyone else." I called over my shoulder as we parted our separate ways down the hall.


	30. Yahtzee

"New plan." Ed stated as he walked into Spike's home a day later. "It took some digging but I may have just found Alice Henderson's real name." He waved a folder in front of him before handing it to Spike to look over. "Her name is-"

"Patricia Hagly? The infamous bomber?" Spike questioned, confusion written all over his face as he lowered his voice. "You mean to tell me that our friend is with a mass murderer every government agency wants to take down?"

"That would be the one."

"The same person that hasn't been seen in years."

"Hence the name change. Sounds like Patricia didn't want to be found." Ed stated with urgency as they both took a seat on the couch.

"So why would she help someone like Donna if she never wanted to be found?"

"That's the question I've been asking myself all day." Ed rubbed at his forehead. "I can't believe Patricia would just have a change of heart after blowing people up, but maybe she didn't think Donna was going to survive."

"Or maybe she's getting a fix off the recent bombings." Spike perked up, despite this being a chilling subject for their teammate and friend."If she knew Donna had been injured in the bombings, Patricia could be feeding off what happened to her. And you want me to be there just in case she's planted any bombs."

"That's why they call you the bomb expert, Spike." Ed stretched his arms out in front of him as if he were warding off sleep. It was nearly ten o'clock now, and they all had a long work day with another coming tomorrow. "I should be getting home. I'll have a definite plan when we get to work."

"Does Sam know about this?"

"He does. He actually went to talk to Parker and Wordy with Jules. We'll fill everybody else in tomorrow morning."

"I can't imagine she's happy we kept this from her."

"I can't imagine anyone will be happy we kept this information from them, especially Team Three. We still have no way of knowing if she's really alive." Ed stood from his place on the couch and patted Spike on the shoulders as he retreated to the door.

"So, we're not telling Team Three?"

"For now this stays between all of us. At least until we know if we can bring her home safe and sound."

"Okay." Spike nodded, closing the door behind his teammate and friend. "I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings us."

* * *

MAY 15, 2011

"What smells so good?" I sniffed the air as I walked into the kitchen after work.

"Spaghetti," Hank called over his shoulder as he stirred the noodles submerged in boiling water. "How was work?"

Walking the distance, I placed a kiss on his lips as he turned off the stove. "It was good."

"Yeah? How's Sam doing after his kidnapping?" Carefully, pouring the hot water into the sink, he placed the noodles into the awaiting drainer.

"I think he's just happy to be home." I shrugged happily, pulling the plates out of the cabinet.

"He's lucky he wasn't seriously injured." Shaking the noodles, he placed the drainer on top of a plate he had just pulled from the stack in the cabinet. I couldn't think of any conversation that would lead to his own injury, so I let the subject drop and tried another one. "I've been thinking."

"About what?"

"If I can't get pregnant, maybe we should try other options." The plate clattered against the wood of the table as the porcelain slipped through my fingers. My heart pounded knowing that I was already getting frustrated with trying to get pregnant. Unlike some newly married couples, we hadn't gotten pregnant once in the past three months.

"I guess we can try, but I still think you'll get pregnant when everything settles down."

"I'm not sure that will ever happen."

"You have to believe that it will." He stated optimistically, setting the bowl of sauce and noodles in the middle of the table.

"I don't know if I can just believe anymore." In fact, I don't know if we should wait so long that our options are no longer available."

"If that's what you want, we can look into adoption." Handing me the plate he had just loaded with spaghetti, he began filling up his own plate.

"I think that should definitely be an option we should consider." Twirling the long noodles around my fork I took a bite. "Besides, how many children out there need homes?"

"Too many."

"You know, sometimes I look at all the idiotic people who don't consider what their actions do to their children, and then I wish I could just take them all in."

"That's because you have a big heart." He smiled widely as he sucked a noodle into his mouth, then wiped his face with his napkin. "It's true. that when that time comes, whether it's a biological or adopted child, I know you are going to be a great mother."

"And you will be a great father." I mustered a smile, although I wasn't completely sure with adoption either. I had heard many nightmarish stories about couples who found a great child and birth mother, only to have the mother change her mind and keep the child to raise.

"Either way, we shouldn't give up just yet. We've been through a lot even before we were married."

"We have."

"The point I'm trying to make is that maybe we should allow our bodies to rest, and consider the fact that things aren't going to happen in the way we want them to."

"I don't know how you do it." I shook my head in disbelief as I scraped my plate with my fork."

"Do what?"

"Think so rationally."

"My father taught me. Then his father taught him-"

"Okay, I get the point." I couldn't help but laugh, letting all the tension slide from my body. "Dish me up some more of that spaghetti, will you?"


	31. What We've Been Looking For

Each member of the team had been given a task when they arrived at Patricia's two story home in Scarborough. Spike would monitor for any bombs before Ed and Jules took the front door, and Sam and Leah took the back. Wordy and Parker would be extra eyes and ears, in case there was anything they should be worried about during entry and apprehension of the subject.

"Clear." Spike scanned for anything that could potentially blow them up in the front, then moved toward the back of the house.

"Let's go." Ed signaled to Jules as they knocked in the door, guns drawn as they cleared each room. "She's not here. Sam?"

"Not here either." Sam's voice came through the intercom system. "We've cleared the whole house. Where else could they be?"

"Maybe they went out." Jules suggested, looking around the kitchen. "There's dirty dishes in the sink that look recently used, a crockpot with some kind of chicken cooking for lunch or dinner-"

Just as she said that, they were on high alert when the front door opened and an officer stepped through the front door. "I think you're going to want to see this." He motioned to them to follow him back outside to the front of the house to where they were holding a woman in custody.

"Patricia Hagly?" Spike questioned, looking at the older woman who looked to be in her sixties, wearing a light blue shirt and gray sweatpants. Without a second glance of her true identity-she looked like your usual friendly neighbor, not a bomber who hadn't been seen in years.

"She keeps mumbling something about needing to pick her friend up from a doctor's appointment after putting her groceries away." The officer stated, pointing over to a discarded brown bag of groceries sitting near the edge of the house. "She finally agreed to sit there after we sent an officer to pick her friend up. Apparently she lives here too, but none of her neighbors remember seeing her." He pointed to a crowd of people now gathered behind the yellow tape.

"That Patricia's car?" Ed gestured over to a 2011 Honda Civic EX, parked near the curb of the house.

"That's the one. She parked, got out of the car, then demanded to know what happened at her house. When we asked to see her ID; she obliged and pulled out the driver's license to reveal one, Patrica Hagly."

"This friend-did she say anything more about her?" Sam chimed in, not asking what condition this friend may be in.

"Just that she needed to pick her up." The officer presented, looking out towards the neighborhood.

"Thanks." Ed finalized as he gathered the team to talk about the information they had just been handed. "Spike, I'm going to need you to go through the house, make sure there's no bombs or any other threats we should be aware of. Sam and Jules, talk to Patricia. See if there's anything she can tell us about her whereabouts in the past few years-and just because we don't see a threat, doesn't mean there isn't one." He gave one last warning before the team headed off in different directions.

"House is clear." Spike radioed in fifteen minutes later as he moved down the stairs. "I'm moving to the backyard now."

"Copy." Ed made his way down the driveway where a cop car pulled up on the other side of the yellow tape."Be careful."

"Always."

* * *

MAY 18, 2011

"Hank. It's good to see you." Dr. Lewis, a fifty year old guy with silver hair and a kind face walked into the room. "How have you been feeling?"

"Good." Hank sat up on the examination table. "I finally have some of my energy back."

"That's good to hear." Dr. Lewis looked over his chart before putting it back down on the counter. "You had surgery almost three months ago-"

"Right."

"Any numbness in your limbs?"

"No."

"Any shortness of breath?"

"No."

"Dizziness?"

"None."

"Good." Dr. Lewis was satisfied with his answers as he pulled the stethescope from around his neck. "Let's check your heart and lungs. Take a deep breath in." Hank did as he asked as he moved the stethescope around, then placed the instrument back on the counter. "Everything sounds good." He donned some gloves on as . "Let's check your incision. It should be about healed by now."

"Okay."

"Any tenderness?"

"No tenderness whatsover."

"That's good. Otherwise I would have been a little concerned you weren't healing properly." He went back to pressing his fingers around the incision before snapping his gloves off and throwing them into the trash. "Well, everything looks good there. How's your wife doing with all of this? I haven't seen her lately."

"She's doing alright. She's actually back to work now, and we're slowly working on issues as they arise."

"Good." Dr. Lewis rubbed his hands together as he sat down on the small stool. "Have you thought any more about counseling?"

"The shooting didn't affect me like it did for Donna." Hank told him honestly. "Sure I trusted him, but I didn't know him like she did. I have more ill feelings towards him for hurting my wife, not me."

"You're a good man, Hank." Dr. Lewis rubbed at the stubble on his chin as he scooted closer to the examination table. "I honestly don't know if I could do the same."

"It's just who I am." Hank shrugged like it was no big deal as he slid off the examination table.

"Regardless, Donna is a lucky woman."

"Yes, she is."

"Well, any other questions that I can answer for you today?"

"No, I think that's all."

"It was good to see you again." Dr. Lewis patted his shoulder with a kind gesture as he exited the room. "You take care."

"Thanks."

"Tell Donna I say hello."

"I will." He signaled with a nod, grabbing his jacket from off the chair as he headed towards the elevators located in the middle of the hall of the fifth floor. His phone rang from his pocket, just as the metal doors slid open. "Hello?"

"Hey, how was your appointment?" Donna's voice came through the phone speaker as he held open the doors.

"It was good."

"Yeah? What did he say about your back?"

"He said that everything looked good. So I'm on my way home now; just getting into the elevator."

"Okay, we'll talk about this more when you get home. I'm making your favorite."

"You're making beef stroganoff?"

"I am. Why is that so surprising to you?"

"It's not. It's just that I think I'm so in love with you already, and you find ways to make me fall more in love with you."

"I love you too. Drive safely."

"You know I will."

"Bye."


	32. Hello

"Ed." The officer driving the patrol car rounded the vehicle and opened the back right door to reveal the answer the team had been wondering about for months. Her hair was now a light blonde, almost the same color when she had joined the SRU. Her face was more rounded and defined, but she looked like the same Donna they had grown to love.

"Henry." Ed stated absently, keeping his eyes on her as she finally stepped out of the car wearing a Boysenberry colored dress that that tightened around her midsection, revealing a visible bump.

"Ed?" Donna blinked back the confusion lingering in her voice, yet a spark of recognition blazed in her eyes as she looked up at him. After a minute or two, she still made no contact as she closed the door to the patrol car.'

"Donna, I'm going to need to ask you some questions."

"Okay, shoot. Before you do can I ask what this is all regarding?" She motioned to the cop cars parked in the neighborhood and yellow tape that had been set up around the house.

"So you knew her as Alice Henderson, is that correct?"

"Yes. I wasn't aware she went by any other names. Then again, I've only been here about three months. The doctor at the clinic told me I had something called retrograde amnesia, so I can only remember things here and there."

Ed nodded with understanding, as he focused on all the information he was giving her. "Her real name is Patricia Hagly. What can you tell me about her?"

"Honestly, she doesn't talk much." Donna paused, her eyes filling with recognition as she gazed over at Sam and Jules, who were still standing on the driveway. "When she does, she repeatedly tells me about her husband who died about three years ago and a son she never talks to anymore."

"Any idea why?"

"None. As long as I've lived here, she hasn't shown me any pictures of her husband or son."

"Hey, Ed!" Sam waved him over from the driveway.

"We'll probably need to ask you some more questions, so stay close." Ed told Donna as he looked over at Henry to keep an eye on her until he got back.

"Is that who I think it is?" Sam kept his voice low as Ed met them at the end of the driveway.

"Without a doubt that's her."

"So what's her story?"

"Donna has what's called retrograde amnesia, so it's hard to say how much she remembers about us, the SRU, or even Hank. I told Henry to keep an eye on her until we can ask her more about it. Right now we need to focus on what she knows about Patricia."

"You found Donna?" Spike appeared behind Jules, having caught the last part of the conversation.

"We did." Ed nodded, making sure no one around was listening to their conversation since the neighborhood was now crawling with cops.

"How is she?"

"We think the blast caused some memory lose, but it's hard to know how much she remembers in a five-minute conversation." Ed stated, rubbing at his chin. "We'll need to ask her more questions after we take Patricia in."

"Are we really going to take her in?" Sam asked, glancing over at the car. "As far as Team Three-the world-knows, she's gone. How do we explain she's back from the dead?"

"Personally, I don't know how you all hid it so long in the first place." Jules piped in with her own reservations. "Something tells me they're going to find out sooner or later."

"Jules is right. We'll bring her into the office, deal with the consequences later."

* * *

June 16, 2011

"You're in a good mood tonight." I laughed as I walked into a house full of music, the room lingering of broccoli cooking on the stove. "What's the occasion?"

"Do I need an occasion to dance with my wife?" Hank approached me, his fingers intertwining with mine as he slowly led me around the room.

"No, you don't."

"You really want to know?"

"Yes, I want to know." I stated with anticipation when he didn't respond to my eagerness. "Hank."

"I just found out that I got promoted at work."

"You did?" I snaked my arms around his neck, our lips connecting in a deep passionate kiss. "That's great! When did you find out?"

"This afternoon. I would have called to let you know but things got pretty busy at the office."

"I am so proud of you."

"Thank you." He wrapped his arms around my waist as he flashed a very excited grin. "In fact, I don't think I could have done it without you."

"Oh, I don't know about that. I think you did this all on your own."

"I just meant I couldn't have gotten back on my feet without you." He held onto my a little tighter to close the distance between us. "I know my recovery couldn't have been easy for you."

"It hasn't." I said truthfully, pausing momentarily to collect my thoughts. "You do have to give yourself some credit. You're the one who went to therapy and recovery."

"Yes, but how did I get there?"

"By car."

"And who drove that car most of the time?"

"I did."

"Exactly!"

"You know there's something I've always admired about you."

"What's that?" He smiled softly, eyebrows raising in slight surprise.

"Your strength."

"I used to think I had strength until I met you. But you..." He pulled me closer in his arms, his warmth radiating throughout my body. "You are my strength." He pressed with urgency. "You need to give yourself some credit. You held me up when I couldn't, you fed me and was there for every physical therapy appointment. You are my strength."


	33. Now What?

For the first time in months, hope had been restored knowing Donna was alive. Each of the team members looked a little more alive, smiled more, even had more spring to their step as they walked back to their SVU's.

Granted, there were a lot of questions they couldn't fill, and maybe they would be able to. Most of those questions didn't take precedence over how they were going to break the news to those around them. Hank would be the hardest of to tell. He loved Donna with a passion. It had absolutely shattered him when Ed had to tell him his wife was never coming home again.

 _"Ed." Hank greeted as he opened the door wearing a blue dress shirt and slacks-an indication that he had just arrived home from work. "Hard case today? I just heard about the bombings on TV."_

 _"Yeah, something like that. Think we can talk?"_

 _"Sure." Hank opened the door wider so he could walk through into the house. As Ed walked slowly behind him, Hank grabbed the controller and turned off the TV._

 _"Please, sit." Hank gestured to the couch, undoubtedly where he had been watching current events, while undoubtedly waiting for his wife to come home. "So, what is it you wanted to talk to me about?"_

 _"I need to tell you about today."_

 _"Okay, I'm listening."_

 _"We stopped the man responsible for the bombings that took place today, but it was not without sacrifice." Ed paused, letting the words sink in before continuing. "I want you to know that your wife and her team showed an amaizng amount of sacrifice."_

 _"How?" Hank choked out, the air heavy around them. "Don't sugar coat it."_

 _"Team Three responded to a bomb threat at the university. When they arrived, the bomber was tied to a chair." Ed explained, stopping abruptly as Hank let out a sob._

 _"I'm okay." Hank pressed a hand to his lips as if the magnitude of the situation had just hit him. "Keep going."_

 _"Despite working with Spike, they could find no trigger to stop the bomb."_

 _Hank shut his eyes tightly. "Did Team three-Did they all-"_

 _"Donna sent everyone but Jimmy out of the building before the explosion."_

 _"So, she wasn't alone."_

 _"She wasn't alone." Ed confirmed, with a shake of his head. "Hank?"_

 _"Yeah?" His voice was quiet as he wiped at the tears running down his cheeks._

 _"Do you have anyone that can stay with you tonight?"_

 _"I'm the only one left in my family. Donna's sister lives clear around the world, and her father lives in a nursing home." Hank looked up at the ceiling. "I have no idea how to break the news to them. What do I say other than I'm sorry, your daughter is dead?"_

 _"You tell them the truth." Ed stated without hesitation. "You tell them she died for what she believed in."_

* * *

June 17, 2011

"Hank, you awake?" I whispered into the darkness of our bedroom. The clock glared at me in red blurry numbers, stating that it had been nearly three hours since we had fallen asleep. A sharp twinge in my stomach brought me back to reality as I switched on the lamp, illuminating his sleeping form.

I could barely stand as my feet quietly hit the carpet. The pain was more intense than I had originally thought as I laid back against the side of the bed. I let out a painful groan that finally made Hank stir and sit up straight in alarm.

"Donna?" He asked half awake, half in panic as he threw the covers back and looked around the room.

"Hank." His name came out abruptly as another pain waved through my stomach. "Something's wrong."

"Where does it hurt?"

"My stomach. It feels like its on fire."

"Come on we need to get you up." I tried my best not to lean on him due to his recent back injury, mostly using the bed for leverage as he helped me sit on the bed. "How long has this pain been going on?"

"I was fine last night." I said through groans, putting my hand on stomach. "It started when I woke up. I got up because I thought I might need to throw up, but when I got up, I started to feel weak-a pain I've never felt before-and I ended up on the floor."

"Cramps?"

"Very painful cramps. Something's not right."

"I think we should go to the ER. It could be all the stress you've been under, but it would make me feel better if you at least get it checked out."

"I think that's probably a good idea."

"Then let's go." He hoisted me up from the bed. "We can probably make it there before four."

"It's probably nothing."

"We'll see if that's the case or not."

I couldn't help but breath out as we made our way to the car. It seemed like a rather long journey, longer than usual as he helped me into the passenger seat. When we finally arrived at the hospital, he went in to get some help. They put me in a wheelchair and put me on the bed while they examined me. When they came to a conclusion that I had suffered a miscarriage.

The horrible thing about this was I had no idea I was pregnant in the first place. The doctor told me that I was about seven weeks pregnant, so the baby was still small and developing. I couldn't help but feel my hope being dashed. It's not the first time that it had happened, yet it felt devastating that I was losing a baby that I had wanted for years. Actually, scratch that. I had wanted one ever since I was a little girl.

Now I had nothing. We had nothing. I didn't know what to do. How to feel. What exactly do you do when you're only a little over two months along? It's not like we were bringing home a newborn in the first place. I was pregnant and now I wasn't.


	34. Of Past Regret and Future Fear

"Ed?" Donna stoppecd abruptly at the bottom of the stairs as they walked the back way towards the conference room. The rest of the team had already disappeared upstairs to clear a way from prying eyes.

"Yeah, Donna."

"Where am I going from here? For the sake of my babies, I need to know."

"Babies?"

"When I got injured, I also found out that I was also pregnant." Donna rubbed at her stomach. "Four months along with twins."

"Twins." Ed smiled proudly as he put one foot forward on the bottom step. "That's great."

"You have kids?"

"Two."

"They good kids?"

"Yeah, they are." Ed responded as his phone chimed in his pocket to let them know that the way was clear.

"You have pictures?" Donna inquired curiously, looking at the phone he was holding in his hand. "The doctor told me that if I ask questions, maybe something would trigger what life was like for me before I lost my memory."

"Right." Ed went into his photo gallery on his phone, showing her a picture of Sophie, Clark and Isabelle.

"They're beautiful." Donna said simply, like she was at a loss for words.

"Thanks."

"Married?" He gestured to her to go up the stairs first, with him following close behind her.

"For almost eighteen years."

"I have no idea what I'll do if I have to raise these kids alone." She kept an hand supporting her stomach as they walked up the stairs.

"We can talk in here." Ed gestured to the conference room as they walked into the SRU.

"So, what do you want to know?"

"What do you know about Patricia Hagly?" Ed asked inquisitively as the metal door closed behind them, giving them privacy.

"I've learned she has a pretty set routine, and not to mess with it. I hear her wake in the mornings, and she goes into the kitchen to make coffee. It seems to take her awhile to make, which usually gives me time to roll out of bed. She offers me coffee every morning, which I don't take because I'm pregnant."

"Seems like she forgets a lot."

"Yeah, we're quite the pair." Donna half laughed, rubbing her stomach once more. "As long as I've known her, Patricia has been nothing but sweet to me. So, I don't understand why you arrested her."

"Patricia is responsible for a bombing that took place four years ago."

"I don't believe it."

"Everything you need to know." Ed tossed a file across the table.

"Why would she do something like this?" Donna fingered the file cautiously as she pulled it closer to her.

"As far as I know, there was no indication to why she did it. She didn't ever mention anything to you about it?"

"No, absolutely not." With that, she turned her attention to the file and paused. "There was one time I answered the phone and it was her doctor."

"Did you get a name?"

"I think it was Dr. Ashford?"

"Did she say anything else." Ed scribbled down the information into his notebook. "Like why they called?"

"Just that she had an appointment."

* * *

June 18, 2011

"Here." Hank handed me a cup of coffee as he sat on the edge of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore." I took a sip, wrapping my hands around the hot cup. "Tired. I had to convince my boss to let me take the rest of the week off without actually telling him what happened."

"Oh? How did that go?" He raised his eyebrow as he took a sip of his own coffee.

"I told Parker I was sick, which is basically true." I couldn't help but stare at a random spot on the wall near the bathroom. "Kind of feel like a truck ran over me."

"You have been through a lot in the past twelve hours." He told me, placing his cup on the nightstand.

"I don't understand why this is happening." I stated absently, not breaking my stare from the wall.

"Maybe your body just isn't ready to have a baby."

"I swear something is wrong with me." I spoke softly but stifly as I fought back the tears.

"Nothing is wrong with you."

"For all we know, it could be me." He tried desperately to make me feel better, like he could take away the pain I was feeling.

"You're not the one who has to carry the baby."

"No, I only have to donate the sperm." He scooted closer to me on the bed, his hand resting on my leg. "For all we know, it could be either of us. You heard the doctor when we told us it could be either one of us. We won't know until we get tested."

"I know. I just don't know how much longer I can do this, or if I can do this again."

"How about we don't?"

"Are you crazy?"

"Maybe a little." He cracked a small smile, but he was in as much pain as I was at the loss of our baby. "What I mean is-let's not try. If it happens in a few months, then great. If not, let's start looking into other options."

"You mean adoption."

"That could definitely be one option, but also not the only one." Standing up, he picked up the cup again and kissed my forehead. "You don't have to decide right now.." He didn't push, which was one thing I loved about him. Another thing I loved was he wasn't afraid to be intimate at just the right time.

"Okay."

"If you could name your little girl anything, what would it be?"

"That's a good question. Let me think about that for a minute. "While I'm thinking about that, I have to ask: what would you name a little boy if we had one?"

"Boy names have always been hard for me." He took a few minutes to think about name choices. "However, I've always loved the name Jackson."

"Jackson Gerald. It could work."

"It could. Not my favorite combination now you've said it out loud."

"We can think about that one." I reassured him as I sat up against the pillow. "I've always loved the name Charlotte for a little girl."

"Charlotte Gerald." The name flowed off the tip of his tongue. "Has a good ring to it."


	35. This Is Why We Fight

"Ed, that you?" Sophie called, stepping out of the kitchen to greet him as he put his bag down by the door.

"Yeah." Ed kissed her back, directing his gaze towards upstairs. "Where are the kids?"

"Clark is upstairs finishing his homework and cleaning his room. Isabelle is playing downstairs in the playroom."

"Cleaning or pretending?"

"Probably pretending." Sophie teased as she grabbed an oven mitt to take the rolls out of the oven. "I don't see how he can find anything in that place. You look happy. Good day at work?"

"It was a really good day." Ed pushed his hands against the counter.

"Yeah?" She slipped the mitts off and set them by the stove. "What made it good?"

"You'd never believe me if I told you."

"Try me." Sophie placed the noodles into the waiting drainer.

"We caught Patricia Hagly, the woman responsible for bombing Canada four years ago."

"Didn't she disappear after the bombing took place?" Sophie shook the drainer full of noodles and placed it on a waiting plate sitting in the middle of the counter.

"She did."

"So how did you end up finding her then?"

"We were actually looking for someone else."

"Who?"

"Donna." Ed stated simply, gauging her reaction and ended up with an amused expression as she poured a little too much olive oil into the noodles.

"Donna?" Sophie lowered her voice as they heard movement on the stairs. "We buried her, Ed! Now you're telling me she's alive? How?"

"I can't discuss all the details right now."

"But she's alive?" She stirred the noodles, then grabbed some plates from the cabinet.

"She's alive." Ed confirmed as they stood there in the kitchen as they both came to a needed realization.

"Then Hank needs to know she's alive."

"That's the problem; no one can reach him."

"No one?"

"You were close to him-"

"I was. I'm not sure we are anymore." Sophie handed him the plates to set the table. "You want me to reach out to him?"

"If you can track him down, you'd be doing the whole team a favor."

* * *

June 24, 2011

"Hey, come on in." Sophie greeted both Hank and me with a welcoming hand as she allowed us to come into the house. "The kids have been dying to see you."

"Aah!" Isabelle shouted, running up to me with full force and hugging my legs.

"Especially this one." Ed came up as he adjusted the watch on his wrist.

"Hey you. Give me a hug."

She patted my face with her little hands. "You sad?" Isabelle asked quietly as she kissed me cheek.

"Not, sad. How have you been Isabelle?"

"Good." She said in her sweet little voice as she bounced in my arms. "Come see my room."

"Isabelle, we're going out to dinner." Sophie told her sternly. "Your babysitter will be here any minute."

"Please, mom?"

"It's fine, really." I reassured her as Isabelle pulled me down upstairs until we were at the room at the end of the hall. Her room was painted pink with fairies hanging on the wall, dark pink bedding with sparkly lace at the end of the bed. A playhouse in the middle of the floor. Every little girl's dream.

"What do you think?" Three-year-old Isabelle asked as she looked around at the toy chest brimming with stuffed animals and dolls brimming over. For a three-year old's room, it was pretty clean.

"I like it."

"Thank you."

"And I like your tutu." I pointed to her sparkly pink and blue skirt she was wearing. "Did you put that on all by yourself?"

"Mhmm!"

"Did you know Daddy just painted my room last week." She pointed to the pink painted walls proudly.

"He did?"

"That was sure nice of him to do."

"Yep! Mommy hung up my fairies." She gazed up at the magical creatures that were wearing either a purple, pink or green costumes.

"I love them. You must love fairies."

"I do love them a lot."

"Well, that was nice of your parents to help. Has your bedroom always been this color?"

"Mommy said it was turquoise before."

"Oh, turquoise."

"Donna?"

"Yes."

"You work with daddy, right?"

"Right."

"Daddy said his job was dangerous, but he would always come home to mommy and Clark. Will you always come back too?"

"I'll tell you what, your daddy was right when he said that it was a dangerous job." I knelt down beside her. "I can't promise you that I won't come back, but you know what I can promise?"

"What?"

"That I will always be with you, right here." I pointed to where her heart was.

"Promise?"

"I promise."

"Isabelle?" Sophie's voice came through as she leaned against the frame of the door.

"Yeah, mommy."

"Why don't you go wash up." Sophie gestured over to the bathroom down the hall. "The babysitter is here."

"Okay." Isabelle sighed, dragging herself out of the room.

"You are so sweet with her. She adores you."

"I adore her too." I stood up with a sigh.

"Isabelle was right."

"About?"

"You do like a little sad. Everything okay between you and Hank?"

"We're okay. It's just been a long week for the both of us."

"Well, if you need to talk, you know where we are."

"Thanks, Sophie."

She gave me a smile as she changed the subject. "You ready to go get some time away and have a little dinner? Have a conversation other than children and work?"

"I am."

"Alright then, let's go." She giggled as I swept past her at the door. The boys were waiting at the table and they stood as we approached.

"Are we ready?" Ed questioned.

"Yes." Sophie stated eagerly with a sense of excitement in the tone of her voice. "Definitely ready to have some adult conversation."

"See you later, Kelly." She told the blonde curly haired girl, no older than sixteen as they gathered their jackets and purses.

"Bye!" The girl waved as she bent down to Isabelle's level so she could tell her a secret and they both disappeared upstairs.

"What do you think she's telling her?" Ed leaned over to Sophie as we all walked out to the garage.

"I wouldn't be surprised if she was telling her about her fairies."


	36. Need to Know

Hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving! Thank you for all the reviews.

* * *

"Ed." Greg grinned as he entered the cafe. "What do I owe the pleasure?"

"Greg. You know it's always good to see you." Ed reached over to shake his hand and took a seat next to him at the table.

"Why are we here, Ed?"

"Clark overheard me talking about Donna with Sophie last night." Ed groaned as he sat down in his chair.

"He okay?"

"If you call sneaking from the roof out of the house. His cast kept him from actually leaving, which is what he really wanted to do."

"Sounds like a long night for the Lane family."

"Yeah, it was." Ed rubbed at his eyes tiredly."I swear that kid is going to be the death of me."

"When does he get the cast off?" Greg looked over at a blonde haired waitress who was finishing up an order two tables down from them.

"Next week. Not soon enough."

"Yeah, I've noticed he hasn't been hanging around with Dean very much."

"He hasn't been hanging out with anyone. It's like this whole thing with Donna has caused some sort of depression."

"It probably did. Clark is a teenager and vulnerable to a lot of emotions right now. He also had a strong friendship and a love for Donna that ran deep. From what I've heard, they talked about a lot of things, maybe things that he couldn't tell anyone else."

"But he could tell her." Ed finished his sentence as the waitress finished up and walked over to their table.

"Hi, my name is Sadie. I'll be your waitress today. What can I get for you to drink this afternoon?"

"Just water for me." Ed stated, picking up the menu for the first time since they had arrived at the restaurant.

"Water is fine, thank you."

"I will get those right out to you, and then I will take your order when I get back."

"Thank you." Greg gave a nod, then picked up his own menu as the waitress moved on to another table before disappearing into the kitchen. "Well, sounds like a long night for the Lane family."

"It was. I'm not sure Sophie slept because she was afraid he would try to sneak out of the house again."

"Which means you didn't sleep either." Greg read between the lines, casting a gentle smile.

"Not a wink."

"She doesn't remember anything?"

"If she does, she's quite the actress."

"I hate to bring this up because this is Donna." Greg lowered his voice, even though the noise level in the cafe had risen to where no one could hear their conversation. "But how do we know she wasn't brainwashed by this woman?"

"We don't." Ed stated as their waitress brought their drinks, took their orders and moved onto the next table. "I can't believe she did. There's just something about the woman that doesn't fit."

"Like what?" Greg inquired, taking a sip of his drink.

"Like she's not in her right mind."

"Anyone who bombs a city is never in their right mind."

"I'm talking about something way beyond that."

* * *

June 24, 2011

It had been almost an hour since we had turned off the light and I was almost certain Hank had fallen asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. At least I thought that was the case until I heard his voice cutting through the darkness.

"You still awake?"

"Yeah, can't sleep." As if to prove my point, I stifled a yawn with my hand.

"How come?" He asked, tracing invisible circles around my pajama top.

"It was hard to go out with Ed and Sophie tonight. I know they've had their moments but now they have two beautiful children."

"And it reminds you what we don't have."

"Yeah, it kind of does."

"Maybe we should start thinking about going to a fertility specialist. Granted, we've only been married three months. but if this continues, we might want to think about getting help."

"I was thinking we should stop for awhile." I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I said those eight little words. "I've been doing some reading of my own, and there was an article talking about how our bodies react to stress. Not to stress in general but also to the stress that happens while trying to get pregnant.

"So we give up for awhile."

"We take a break and see what happens."

"And if that doesn't work?"

"Then we find a doctor who can hopefully help us."

The room was silent for a moment as we let our conversation sink in. "You know there are other options."

"Like adoption?"

"Adoption, surrogacy, IVF."

"Look at you." I grinned, snuggling closer to him under the sheets. "Somebody's been reading up on their pregnancy lingo."

"Just a little." He let his chin rest in the nook of my shoulder. "I know I still have a long way to go with that one."

"Same. But I know whatever we do, you will make a fantastic father to whoever we get."

"What if it's a girl."

"I would love a little girl."

"What if it's a boy?"

"Little boys are just as sweet."

"Twins?"

"Okay, now you're just teasing me."

"Triplets. Now there's a doozy for you."

"We'd definitely have our hands full if we had triplets."

"And twins."

"Definitely." I smiled, wrapping my arms around his waist as I laid my head against his bare chest. "They will be loved, whoever they are."

"One day." He stated whimsically, softly brushing his fingers through my hair. "Probably wishing one day we had this moment back when it was just the two of us."

"Right now, all I want is to hold a baby in my arms." I stated sleepily, my eyelids suddenly growing heavy as the day started catching up with me.

"I do too." He stated, as we both finally drifted off to sleep.


	37. Rewind

So grateful for good health, being able to get back to writing, and a neighbor who looks like a little like Enrico Colantoni.

* * *

"Morning." Ed kissed Sophie on the lips as they looked towards Clark who had his headphones on, and Isabelle was babbling away with her princess doll in one hand.

"Morning." She kissed him back, handing him a piping cup of coffee.

"Thanks. He said anything to you?"

"Pass the cereal."

"At least he said something." Ed sighed, taking a small sip of the piping hot liquid. "I would kill for him to be Clark again."

"Me too, but who knows when that will happen."

"Yeah." He scoffed, placing the cup on the counter. "Any luck with Hank?"

"I've called three times and left two messages since last night."

"He lost the love of his life. I wouldn't be answering the phone either." He swirled the liquid in the cup then draiend the rest of it.

"Really? Now that's one I haven't heard before."

"It's not something I really like to talk about." He put his cup in the sink, then turned to face her. "I know you've always thought about what it would be like to lose me, but have you ever thought what it would be like if I lost you?"

"Actually, I have."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." Sophie stated boldly, with a smirk as she turned away. "Now go before you're late for work. I'll take care of the house like I always do."

"That's why I love you." He kissed her cheek lovingly. "I'll see you tonight."

"Bye daddy!" Isabelle chirped, giving him a quick wave as she went back to playing with her toys at the table.

"Bye Beauty." Ed called over his shoulder as he walked out the front door and slid into the driver's seat. He tried to keep his focus on the road, but it was clear that his thoughts kept going back to Clark, a missing Hank and of course Donna. Nonethless, he made it to work and was surprised when he pulled up to the building and saw Donna waiting at the door.

"Donna." Ed greeted Donna as he pulled his bag across the passenger seat. "What are you doing here? I thought we didn't schedule you to come in until nine o'clock."

"You did. Donna nodded in agreement, adjusting the purse on her shoulder. "I couldn't spend one more minute in that hotel with my thoughts."

"You've been through a lot in the past three months, so that's understandable." He held the door open so she could step into the building. It wasn't super busy, but people also didn't seem to be paying attention as they stopped right in the middle of the corridor.

"I didn't believe my doctor when he said I would remember when I was in the right place."

"What do you remember?"

"Not much. Between the amnesia and pregnancy brain, I've been struggling to remember anything."

"But you remember something."

"I remember being in this building before this week."

"That's a start."

* * *

July 4, 2011

"Hank." Greg extended a hand out to him, while holding a bag full of chips and salsa. "We come bearing gifts." He held up the bag, while turning to Marina with a goofy smile. "I think you know my girlfriend, Marina."

"I do. It's nice to see you again." Hank nodded to her as he shut the front door.

"Likewise." Marina greeted, quickly excusing herself to the kitchen. "I'm just going to put these down in the kitchen.

"You picked a good one."

"Sadly, I didn't pick her." Greg said, staring after her as she disappeared around the corner. "She picked me. How I got so lucky, I will never know."

"I feel the same way about Donna."

"She's also a good one." Greg remarked proudly, gazing around and settling on Wordy and Sam who were sitting on the couch and bantering with one another. "If you'll excuse me, I think I'll go make my round of hellos."

"Of course. Don't forget to get a beer on your way over to the kitchen."

"Will do." Greg stepped over towards the couch. "Ed. What's this wager I'm hearing about between you and Wordy?"

"We made a ten dollar wager who could eat the most hamburgers tonight." Wordy grinned like he already knew he was going to win the wager.

"That's it, huh?" Greg raised his eyebrow as he looked around the full room. "Looks like we got a good turnout."

"I think pretty much everyone showed up, except for Sam and Jules." Ed joked, taking another sip of his beer.

"Isn't he at his parent's house?" Wordy questioned as his oldest daughter came running up to him.

"Dad?" Ally said impatiently, trying to catch her breath. "Do you know where mom is?"

"She was outside playing with your sisters the last time I saw her. Hey, where's the fire."

"I need to get something out of the car and I need the keys."

"You're in luck." Wordy dug in his jean pockets and pulled out a set of keys and handed them to her. "Don't lock them in the car, or we won't have a way of getting home tonight."

"Okay, I won't." Ally waved the keys in her hand as she made a beeline for the front door.

"Life with girls for you." Wordy took a big swig of beer. "I'm going to get another one. Anyone else want another beer? Boss, you haven't even had your first. Want one?"

"I could do with another beer." Ed shook his half empty beer bottle as he leaned back against the couch.

"I'm good right now, thank you, Wordy." Greg held up his hand before sitting next to Ed on the couch.

"You sure? Wordy pointed towards the kitchen. "My treat."

"I'm sure. Thanks, Wordy. All I want to do is relax with my team. Speaking of team, anyone seen Donna?"

"Not recently."

"Has she seemed alright to you lately?"

"She's been kind of quiet, but other than that she's been on her game. Why? You think there's something wrong with her?"

"More like a hunch."

"The way I see it is in the past five months those two have been through hell and back again." They looked over towards Hank who was happily sitting on the tile floor by the front door, entertaining the children with a spinning top; a simple task he wouldn't have been able to do after his back injury a few months back. "Whatever they're going through, we just have to believe they'll make it. And when they can't, we'll be there for them."

"Yeah, you're probably right." Greg sighed, letting his shoulders drop. "I think I'll get that beer now."


	38. Do You See What I See?

If you'll quickly note, I didn't put a flashback in this chapter as it was already starting to run long, and will make an appearance next time.

* * *

"Dr. Luria. Thank you for coming." Ed extended his hand to the therapist. He had been at odds with her many times in his career and was now putting those differences aside when she agreed to come down and talk.

"Of course. Although I have to admit I was a little surprised when my secretary gave me the message you had called. What's this about?" She inquired as they moved from the hall to an empty room where they could talk privately.

"I need your help assessing on a case." Ed began as he closed the door behind them.

"I'm listening. Fill me in." Dr. Luria stated, sitting down on the chair by the window.

"It started about four months ago after receiving the final results of the bombing. The preliminary report initially stated there had been significant damage to arms, legs and face. Another thing that struck me as odd was the paper stated they had recovered Jimmy, but there was nothing about Donna." He handed her the slightly folded preliminary results, waiting for her to read it over.

"I can see why you thought the preliminary results odd." She stated after a few minutes, then handed the paper back to him. "So, what conclusion did you come to?"

"For the longest time, we didn't know what conclusion to come to. Was she dead or alive? Or were we only wasting time trying to figure that out?"

"You must have found something to get to this point in the case."

"Her vest and phone brought us to the conclusion that she could actual be alive." Ed nodded while pulling out the final results from the file sitting on the table in front of him. "When I went to check out the results further, the woman in charge of the case told me her vest had been found directly underneath the lab floor as if it had been tossed after the explosion. Her phone had been found on the stairs that she and her team walked up to apprehend Anson Holt."

"Could she have dropped her phone as they were coming up?"

"We considered one scenario where she was holding the phone in her hand, one where it ripped out of her vest pocket and one where she called for help." Ed sighed, already wishing he could get to the point. "None of them made logical sense to how it actually made it to the bottom of the stairs when she and Jimmy were headed in the opposite direction."

"Because the phone had already been destroyed. How do you think it got there?"

"According to the results, Jimmy was badly burned on his arms, leg and face, which means he took most of the damage. If they had been running side by side, she probably would have sustained the same fate as he did. Now we know she was most likely knocked out by the blast. When she woke up, she saw the phone didn't work and dropped it."

"That's one conclusion. Even so, I'm still confused how she would have managed to get out of the building. Wasn't it surrounded by police after the explosion?"

"There was a back way out of the building. Anyone witnessing what just happened was in shock, and it could have been just as easy for her to walk out without them noticing. By the time the air cleared and their bodies were being retrieved, she was already out of the building."

"Which goes back to the results and why there was nothing on Donna."

Ed nodded again, letting his shoulders fall in relief that she was catching on. "We looked into the fact that maybe she somehow made it to a local hospital, but we struck out. At the same time, we were looking into local businesses, which eventually led us to the local market just down the street."

"Where did the market lead you from there?"

"To Spencer Fisher, the manager of Valu-Mart. He remembered seeing Donna but couldn't give us any surveillance since the cameras erase the footage every thirty days. He did state she had enough money to buy a bandage and disappeared after that. It took us another two weeks before we were able to get a name and number to call."

"And you got through?" She asked hopefully, placing the notepad in her lap as she scribbled down more information.

"No, the number we received was disconnected, which prompted us to make another visit to the manager. Turns out there was a new number in the database, and he insisted that it hadn't been there when he checked last."

"What was her name? The lady you got the number and address for?"

"Alice Henderson. Although it turns out that wasn't her real name."

"That's one you don't hear every day." That grabbed Dr. Luria's attention as she held her pen up against the notepad.

"It isn't." Ed paused, watching as her reaction changed. "Turns out her name was really Patricia Hagly."

"The serial bomber that was responsible for over a dozen deaths?"

"That's the one."

"And Donna was with her the entire time?"

"A little over three months." Ed confirmed, closing the file in front of him. "Donna mentioned that Patricia didn't say much while she was living there, other than her husband died and she has a son she never talks to."

"Any reason why?"

"No. But I would like to confirm if Patricia is of sound mind, and to confirm if Donna had any prior knowledge about her."

"Let me get this straight. You want me to confirm that Donna is not a threat to you or the team since you have confirmed she's alive?"

"I don't believe Donna is a threat to us in any way, but with her retrograde amnesia, I want to confirm she doesn't have any prior knowledge about Patricia Hagly before we tell people that she's alive. I also would like to know if Patricia was responsible or connected to the recent bombings. She doesn't act like your typical bomber who has been in hiding for several years. Something had to happen between then and now to make her the way she is. Last, I want to know why she chose to take Donna into her home. Has she always known about what she did, or is some kind of mental illness hindering what she did? If she did, was she using Donna for her own gain because of the recent bombings?"

"That's a lot of questions." Dr. Luria breathed heavily, finally stuffing the notepad into her bag. I'll see what I can do."


	39. The Way Back

"Soph." Putting the phone to her ear, he gave a nod to Dr. Luria as they parted ways down the hall. "Everything okay?"

"I've been trying to reach you for the past hour and a half." She sounded frantic, yet there was a hint of eagerness in her voice.

"I was in a meeting."

"About Donna?"

"Yeah."

"Hank finally called. He wasn't super eager to share all the details, but he did mention he would be coming home soon if we wanted to talk."

"Good." Ed jogged up the stairs. "We need to tell him before he hears the news from anyone else. Did he mention when he was coming home?"

"No. Said he needed at least a few more days to decide when he was coming back. I'm betting he'll let us know after that."

"Good. This case could go either way in the next couple days." He reached the second-floor landing. "We'll talk more about this tonight."

"Okay. Come back to me tonight."

"Always." He swallowed hard, thinking back to the last conversation he had with Donna. Would she ever remember that conversation? Would she remember anything that happened when she was in that building?

"Ed?"

"Yeah."

"Thought I lost you there for a second."

"I should go." He jogged up another floor, his hand now lingering on the door leading to the SRU. "We'll talk more about this when I get home."

"I know it doesn't mean much but we're going to figure this out."

"What would I do without you?"

"I have a feeling you'd be pretty lost."

"Mmmh. I can't imagine being without you, or how Hank has to be feeling right now."

"I know. We'll figure this out, okay?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." With those parting words, he hung up the phone and walked into the office.

* * *

JULY 10, 2011

"Becky." My friend hugged me tightly as walked into the restaurant. She had those blonde curls that bounced as she approached me. Her smile was contagious and I couldn't help but smile too, despite how I had been feeling lately.

"Donna. It's so good to see you." She held me tightly as people walked around us to get to the cashier.

"It seems like we're blocking traffic."

"We are." Her smile grew as we stepped over to the side of the entrance. "How are you?"

"I'm good. By the way, you look fantastic. Are you sure you really just had a baby?"

"Ansley is a really good baby, so I contribute my good looks to her." Letting out a laugh, she looked over towards an empty table; a red jacket draped over the chair. "Why don't we sit down. I grabbed us a table before you came."

"Sure." She sat down in the seat with the jacket and I sat on the right of her. "So, tell me about your little one."

"For starters, we named her Ansley. She's two and a half months old. She has red hair-"

"Red hair?" I questioned, suddenly confused as I tried hard to imagine a little mini me of Becky with red hair, but I couldn't. "Mark doesn't have red hair." And for a fleeting moment, my mind questioned she had stepped out on her husband. Stupid thought.

"I know. It took us both by surprise." She paused, her hand wrapped around the coffee that had just been set down by our waiter."Now that I think of it, my grandma had red hair."

"There you go."

"So what about you and Hank? How are you guys doing?"

"We're doing okay. We've mostly been working and adjusting to married life. He's returned back to work, and since we didn't get much of a honeymoon because of his injury, we took a trip to Hawaii back in April."

"I heard about that. How are the two of you doing?" She reached her hand across the table. "That's a lot of strain on a marriage, let alone one just beginning."

"I think we've gotten stronger from everything we've been through." I nodded, although something about it was nagging me in the back of my mind. I couldn't get over the danger I had put my husband in. The way he laid there on the ground; a bullet in his back as he bled out. No matter how hard I tried, that image kept replaying over and over in my mind.

"I believe you." She gave me an encouraging smile as she raised her cup to her lips. "Excuse my French, but I don't think you're okay." I stared at her with a surprised look, not quite sure what to say back. "I've been trying to get you back for the past minute and a half. What's going on?"

"Sorry. I have a lot on my mind."

"Clearly. Talk to me, Donna." She leaned in as if she were trying to get a read on everything going through my head. "We've been friends for years and I know something is up with you."

"Not here." I told her quietly, finally lifting my cup up to my lips. The rich taste of coffee was surprisingly comforting at this moment in time, but now wasn't the time or place to talk about this. In fact, I wasn't sure I really wanted to talk about this ever, or the hurt I had been feeling since the accident, the embarrassment I felt when I had been demoted and how I could have lost my husband altogether.

"Okay." Her cup gave a slight clatter as she set it down on the table. "Any preference on where we talk? Or would you like to come back to the house and meet Ansley?"

"I would love to meet her. Are you sure you don't mind?"

"I stay at home all day making baby talk with my daughter. Trust me, I don't mind."

"Sounds like you need just as much of a break as I do."

"I love her, I do. But sometimes my husband doesn't understand I need to get away to a deserted island where we don't talk about baby related stuff all day long." We both laughed at that as we finished our coffee and parted ways.


	40. Hindsight

"Donna." Dr. Luria looked taken back at Donna's appearance as she entered the room. It was the first time she had laid eyes on her since her supposed death, and her pregnancy was a big shock as she plastered a smile on her face. "I'm Dr. Luria."

"Nice to meet you." Donna took a seat across from at the table.

"How are you feeling?"

"Big." She rubbed her hand in circles around her swollen stomach. "Confused. Nothing makes sense right now."

"In what way?"

"I don't know." Donna shrugged, confusion clouding her eyes. "One minute I'm spending time with someone who took me in, now I'm here talking to you."How can I trust if I don't even remember my life?"

"You have every right to have concern about who to trust." Dr. Luria assured her, interlocking her fingers together. "I can't imagine it was very easy for you to come here today."

"It wasn't. Then again, it's not."

"What do you mean by it's not?" Dr. Luria clicked her pen, ready to write down some key facts in their conversation.

"Because I've been in this building before." Donna recalled, letting one hand rest on her belly.

"What do you remember about it?"

"It's familiar. The people are familiar."

"So you feel like you've seen them before?"

"Yes, many times." She focused on Dr. Luria. "I've seen you before."

"You have." Dr. Luria nodded in agreement as she scribbled something else down on the notepad in her lap. "What do you remember about me?"

"We've talked just like this but in a different setting. Why?"

"I am a consultant for the SRU. We would talk whenever something happened in a case."

"You're telling me I worked here at the SRU." Donna pointed towards the desk, putting it all together.

"For almost three years."

"So, where did I go between then and now?"

"That's what we're trying to find out." Dr. Luria mentioned, her tone taking a very serious tone. "You have to know, we have concerns when one of our officers goes missing and is found with a wanted criminal."

"I still don't understand how Alice-" Donna shook her head in correction. "Patricia could have lived some kind of double life like you're painting her out to have."

"We are trying to figure out the same thing, including how Patricia Hagly became Alice Henderson."

"And you think I can tell you what you need to know?"

"Not necessarily. What do you remember before you met Patricia?"

"I remember-" Donna paused to think about everything for a minute. "I remember feeling lost. I walked over to a building to get help. I had just enough in my pocket to buy a bandage."

"And that's when you met Patricia?"

"Yes. At least I think that's when I met her. A lot of things are still blurry." Donna paused, taking the conversation into a new perspective. "I think I may have just as many questions as you need answers."

Dr. Luria let out a hearty laugh as she finally looked up from writing down a few important things about their conversation. "Donna, I can't assure you that we will ever get what we seek, but I also believe we need to give ourselves time to find those answers."

"Then can I ask you something?" Donna jumped at the opportunity as the room silenced between them.

"Sure."

"We worked together-"

"We did."

"So, would you know if I had a significant other?" Donna gave her belly a longing look. "It's just I want my children to know their father."

"Unfortunately, I never got the chance to meet Hank." Dr. Luria set the notebook and pen down on the table. "But you talked about him a lot."

"Hank?" Donna swallowed hard as part of a memory with Dr. Luria came flooding back as she stared across the table at the yellow notepad.

 _"Now, I usually like to talk to people at least a few times before they have to return to work, but I know with Hank being in the hospital, and you two taking a_ much needed _vacation; this is the first time we've gotten to sit and talk."_

 _"It is."_

 _"You mentioned a few minutes ago that you talked with Hank while on vacation. Did you talk to him about what happened with your ex-partner, or did you mostly make small talk?_

 _"We talked a little. Both admitted that we didn't really know how to talk about it with each other."_

 _"The shooting?"_

 _"Yes. He said that he didn't know if he could forgive him. Hank is a very forgiving man."_

"Donna." Dr. Luria gently brought her back to reality. "What did you remember?"

* * *

July 10, 2011

Taking a deep breath, I pulled up to the curb. As I killed the engine, I took in the house my friend lived in. It looked vastly different then when I had been here last. The windows by the door were now decorated with flower boxes and filled with purple and blue petunias, the bushes had grown tenfold and it looked as if the windows and door had all been replaced recently.

It was beautiful. Not that I didn't love the life Hank and I had made for ourselves. I did. However, sitting here in front of my friend's beautiful home, I realized that I had secretly wanted that for us. Hank and I had been married for almost four months. We had neglected to decorate, plant anything or paint any walls. Instead, we had unpacked mixed furniture from his apartment and my place and called it good. Although nothing was falling over or breaking, I wanted more for us.

As I watched my friend rock her daughter back in forth in front of the dining room window, my heart ached to have a child to rock in my arms too. Seeing the love they had from even a distance, it took all my strength not to turn the car back on and drive away, right then and there.

I had been an officer for twenty years and thought it was the only thing I would do with the rest of my life. Life was surprising because I had found Hank when I had least expected it. We could have all of this one day. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

Unlocking the door, I finally stepped out of the car, making my way up the winding path then rapped lightly on the door. Seconds later, I was met by two friendly faces.

"Donna, come in."

"Ansley, this is your aunt Donna." Becky introduced me to her cute but drooling baby, as she turned her bright blue eyes toward me.

"You really weren't kidding about the red hair."

"No, I wasn't." Becky grabbed a rag that was hanging off the dining room chair and wiped Ansley's mouth. "I forgot to mention she's quite the drooler. You sure you still want to hold her?"

"Yes, because she loves her aunt Donna, don't you?" Becky gladly handed Ansley over to me and I felt my heart melt for this child. I took in her chubby cheeks, flaming red hair, and bright blue eyes.

"She likes you." Becky informed me, just as Ansley smiled at me. "I don't think I've seen her smile at anyone but me or Mark."

"Not even for your parents?"

"Nope. Well, actually I think she's smiled for my dad, but not my mom. Ansley will usually coo at her though when my mom is holding her."

"That's sweet."

"Okay, we can only make small talk for so long. So what about you and Hank? I know you've only been married for four months, but how are things really going?"

As she asked that question, I looked down at Ansley who was fighting sleep as I rocked her back and forth. "We're doing good." I like to think that despite all we've been through, it's only made us stronger."

"And everything that's been on your mind, is the shooting something that's been weighing on your mind?" She asked, drawing her legs up towards her body.

"Yes, and no. I know it wasn't my fault that Hank got shot, it was my ex partner's decision."

"Despite knowing it was his decision, do you still blame yourself for what happened to Hank?"

"Yes and no. If I hadn't gone undercover all those years ago, then people wouldn't have been after us at our wedding. The best man wouldn't have been shot. Hank would not have been shot. Not once has Hank pushed me away like Bill did."

"I'm guessing Bill is your ex-partner?"

"Yes." I nodded solemnly, feeling all the emotions of anger and sadness rising in me. If it hadn't been for this sleeping baby I was holding, I would have lost it already and walked out of the house. "The day he shot Hank, Bill blamed me for being alone. If I had joined him at the bar, he would have never given names to the world's most wanted criminals. And if he hadn't agreed to shoot Hank, they would have just as well shot me too."


	41. Echoes of Love

"I remember having a conversation about Hank. He was shot?" Donna squeaked that last part out, her expression distraught after learning he had been shot. "Is he alive?"

"Hank is alive." Dr. Luria reassured her as she pulled her chair to the side of the table, just in case the conversation escalated further.

"Is that why he isn't here? He's recovering from being shot?"

"No. I have it on good authority he's doing as well as can be expected."

"So, he's alive."

"He's alive. I don't know many details other than that."

Donna heaved in a deep breath, her expression full of disappointment more than anything. "Oh."

"I know you have a lot of unanswered questions." Dr. Luria scooted to the edge of her seat, her expression filled with empathy for the woman sitting in front of her. "I can't promise you all of them will be answered. Just know you don't need to know everything at once."

 _"I wanna kill him."_

 _"Donna, I don't believe that." Ed tried to talk her down as she kept the gun aimed at Bill. "Come on now._ _Donna, come on I hear you're angry. But shooting him's not going to solve anything. It's not gonna make you feel better."_

 _"I don't wanna think, Ed. Shut up!"_

 _"Can I tell you what I think? I think that man right there, that you once loved and admired; I think that no matter how far he's fallen, no matter what he's been through, he is still the man that made you who you are today. Now, you shoot him, Donna. It's over. You will lose everything. You will never have the life you want."_

 _"But I...you know the life I wanted and he took it away. And what do I have now?"_

 _"That's up to you. That's up to you. It always is, come on. It's okay."_

 _"I did it for you,_ Donna. _" Bill stated, pleading with her to not take his life._

 _"I hate you!" Donna sobbed as she shot her hatred towards her ex-partner,_ Bill. _"I hate you."_

"Why don't we take a break?" Dr. Luria grew even more concerned as she watched the color drain out of Donna's face.

"I think that's a good idea." Donna used the table for leverage, standing shakily as she opened the door to see Ed, Sam, and Spike walking down the hall.

"Something's not right." Sam tipped his chin over at Donna, who was visibly pacing back and forth in front of the door as they walked down the hall.

"You're right, it's not." Ed stated as they paused to take in the way she was visibly upset, tears in her eyes, the heavy weight pressing on her shoulders. "Donna? Talk to me."

"I can't." She looked at him blankly, her eyes darting back and forth as she sought answers to all these forgotten memories. "I don't want to think, Ed. Not right now." Wiping at her eyes, she turned on her heels and walked back down the hall.

"What happened?" Ed pushed as Dr. Luria emerged from the room, just as Donna was rounding the corner towards the stairs.

"My guess, she had another flashback." Dr. Luria sighed, gazing down the hall.

"Flashback?" Sam piped up, looking at her in confusion. "I know you can have them with amnesia, I just didn't think they would come back so soon."

"Me either. However, I realize now that being in this building and around her life is most likely going to trigger more memories than she can handle."

"Then we're just going to have to be there when she has them." Ed glanced down the empty hall with a sigh. "What exactly did she remember?"

"She remembered Hank."

* * *

JULY 10, 2011

"Hey, how was your day off?" Hank rubbed his hands along my shoulders as I stirred the dressing for our salad.

"Long." Dropping the stirring spoon, I snaked my hand around his neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

"What made it long?"

"I had lunch with my friend, Becky."

"The woman you went to school with, Becky." He called over his shoulder as he removed his jacket and draped it over his chair.

"That's the one."

"What made it long?"

"Oh, all the girl talk." I casually leaned one hand against the counter, hoping her wouldn't push the subject. "Apparently, we had a lot to catch up."

"Girl stuff?"

"A little." Slipping on the oven mitts, I grabbed the pizza out of the oven and set it down on top of the stove. "I also met her little girl, Ansley."

"Yeah?"

"She had the reddest hair and blue eyes that you've ever seen." I gushed as I pulled the pizza cutter out of the middle drawer by the stove.

"She sounds like a beautiful baby."

"She is. It's just-"

"You want a baby too."

"Mhmm." I looked down at the floor in guilt, and I could feel him closing the distance between us. "I also kind of feel like this wanting a baby thing is taking over our lives, you know? But I also can't stop thinking about it."

"Okay, it's been on both of our minds a lot. That doesn't mean thinking about it is wrong."

"It is if it makes things feel worse. I held that baby in my arms and I wanted to walk right out the door with her." I gestured wildly to the door as the timer went off. As I went to turn it off, he sidestepped me which pressed me to be still as he turned it off instead.

"Oh, Donna. When you become a mother one day-and you will be a mother-you will be a wonderful one. They may not have red hair or blue eyes but they will be a perfect mixture of you and me."

"I've always loved your positivity." I brushed my hand against his cheek, giving him the saddest smile I could manage. I didn't know if he could understand the amount of pain I-and I don't think I could ever tell him because it was the kind of pain you couldn't express in words, only what you could feel inside when it was happening to you.


	42. Over Here

"Ed?" Sophie called from the kitchen as he entered the house. When he entered the kitchen a few minutes later, she was putting a lasagna into a piping hot oven.

"Hi." He smiled genuinely. "How did today go?"

"It was kind of a whirlwind."

"Daddy!" Isabelle raised her arms to him as she came flying into the kitchen.

"Hey, pumpkin. How was school?"

"Good. We learned about shapes today." She pressed one finger to her chin as if she were thinking really hard about something as he held her in his arms. "Daddy?"

"Hmm-"

"Is Aunt Donna really gone?"

Ed and Sophie exchanged a surprised look."Don't look at me? I didn't say anything." Sophie held her hands up in innocence. "She's been at school whenever we've talked about her."

"That's a hard one to explain right now, pumpkin." Ed squeezed her tightly as he kept his eyes on Sophie, who was also at a loss to how to explain to an almost four-year-old girl that her aunt was gone but still alive.

"How come?" She tilted her head, her expression full of innocence. "It's kind of complicated to explain."

"Then can you explain it to Clarkie? He said she was alive."

"Isabele, did he tell you she was alive?"

"Not really." She shrugged her shoulders as she played with the collar of his shirt. "I just heard him talking to somebody on the phone about her. He was trying not to be sad, but I could hear it in his voice."

Sophie put one hand on her hip, her eyebrows knit together in concern. "Isabele, are you sure that's what you heard, honey?"

"I'm sure, mommy." She now focused on playing with the top button of his shirt. "If you help Clark, do you think he'll play with me again?"

"I'm sure he will." Sophie nodded unsurely, hoping she wouldn't catch on. "Why don't you go wash up for dinner? We're almost ready to eat."

"You always say that." Isabele sighed heavily as she shrugged out Ed's arms and marched out of the kitchen.

"Should we be worried about her attitude?" Ed pointed at Isabele's retreating form as she flipped the bathroom light on.

"She has a point, Ed." Sophie whispered as they moved towards the oven and she looked in on the lasagna."We need to at least try to talk to Clark. He hasn't been the same since the bombing, and I can't imagine things are going to get any better."

Ed rubbed a hand across his forehead, knowing she was right. "Okay, we'll talk to him together after dinner."

"He should be home soon. He went to study at the library with Dean."

"Dean?" Ed raised his head in surprise. "I thought he wasn't hanging out with Dean. Are we sure he's actually studying."

"I guess we'll find out when we get his report card next week." Sophie mentioned, grabbing some plates out the cabinet. "I can't help but think that if he's studying, then at least he's doing something. His grades have been slipping rapidly and I'm worried about him."

"I am too. After dinner, we will talk to him." Ed promised, taking the plates from her hand and began setting the table. When he was half way through setting the silverware out, the front door opened and shut in one fluid motion. It was clear to who it was, and neither of them made a move to say anything as Clark walked with heavy footsteps up to his room.

* * *

July 15, 2011

"Donna." Emily stated through the computer screen as a little girl climbed onto her lap. "There is somebody who wants to say hi to her Aunt Donna."

"Hi." The little girl tipped her chin up towards her mom. "Is that really Aunt Donna?"

"Yes, it's really her."

"Hi Suze." I waved to my almost four-year-old niece, who had grown long beautiful golden locks since the last time I had talked to them last. By the way she reacted, I knew that it had been too long because she didn't look as if she remembered me. "You've grown up so much."

The little girl giggled shyly, happily wriggling back and forth on Emily's lap. "Mommy, can we show her?"

"Show her what?" Emily asked in confusion as Suze pointed at something before slipping off her lap.

"Can we?"

"Sure, sweetie. Go see if you can find him."

"Him?"

"We'll show you what we mean in a second." Emily gave her an amused smile as she watched her daughter wander off somewhere around the house. "Until then, catch me up. How's life in Canada?"

"Life is good."

"Could you be a little more specific?"

"Okay. Hank is recovering really well. We took a trip to Hawaii back in April which was what we both needed and now we're both back to working." I sighed, not wanting to go into great detail again about Hank, the shooting, and my especially my feelings about the matter. "What about you mommy? What have you been up to lately?"

"Oh, mostly just busing children around to school. Suzanne started Förskola this year, which is pretty much the swedes term for preschool. We held off letting her go until she turned three. Since I'm home all the time, I was able to give her one on one and teach her everything she needed to know. Now she's adjusting and doing great."

"That's great to hear. What about Henry?"

"Henry is doing good too. He's seven now and is in Grundskoleutbildning, which is primary school. He's doing pretty well with school; except for math, he's struggling a little bit there. We'll usually work on it together when he comes home from school, and then when Aaron comes home from work, they'll really work on things for an hour-just so we can make sure he understands what he's learning about in class."

"I'm glad they're doing well. You thinking about coming to visit soon?"

"I'm not sure. Aaron gets five weeks off in August, so we'll have to see what he wants to do. Have you and Hank thought about coming here for vacation some time? I think you'd like it."

"Momma, I found him!" Suze pulled into view as she held onto a wriggling, black and white spotted cat.

"Here's the newest addition to our family."

"We named him, Pepper!" Suze stated excitedly, trying hard to climb back into her mother's lap while still holding the cat.

"Pepper the cat. I like it!"

"Yep! We named him that because he looks like he got into the pepper." Suze giggled, petting the cat softly as Emily pulled them into her lap.

"Mom, I'm home from playing with Oliver." Henry stated as a door closed. "Who are you guys talking to."

"Aunt Donna. Come say hi, will you?"

"Hang on. I just need to put my stuff down in my room."

"He has this friend named Oliver, who he always hangs out with school. Finally got to go over to his house for the first time today."

"Ah."

"Here he is." Emily announced as she used the desk to push the chair out of the way, and Henry came into view.

"Hi, Aunt Donna." Henry gave her a small wave as he pulled up another chair, of which he looked too entirely small sitting in due to his tall but skinny frame. "What's the weather like in Canada?"

"It's actually been pretty nice today. Had a little sunshine and snow on the ground."

"Cool. It's been really cold here lately. We've had some snow but not a lot."

"I can tell. Your cheeks are all red. Were you and Oliver playing outside?"

"Yeah, his mom sent us outside to play for most of the time, and then I had to come home because I have to start my homework."

"Yeah, your mom told me that you've been having some trouble with math. You know, your mom had trouble with math too."

"You did?" Henry asked in surprise as he turned to Emily. "How come you never told me that?"

"I have told you that, many times."

"No, you haven't." Henry pushed his black wiry glasses back up to his nose. "Aunt Donna?"

"Yeah."

"Does that mean you were bad at math too?"

"No, your Aunt Donna had to help me when I was your age." Emily interjected as she scooted back into view of the webcam. "It drove her crazy when we were growing up because our mom would make her sit at the table and help me."

"Is that true?" Henry turned back towards the screen. "Or is mom making that up?"

"Oh, it's true." I reassured him, grabbing a tissue from the side of the desk to wipe off the keyboard. "I used to get so mad that I had to help her."

"But then mom would often take us both out for lunch on Saturdays if we did what she asked us to do, remember?" Emily reminisced happily as Suzze crawled over her and wrapped her little arms around her neck.

"How could I forget? George's Cafe had the best soups."

"She sure loved her soups."

"All her life."

"Mommy, can we play?"

"Maybe later." Emily ran her fingers through Suze's golden locks. "I'm talking to your Aunt Donna right now, and then we have to get homework done and dinner fixed."

"Do I have to do mine too?"

"Yes, you have to do yours. Why don't go grab your book and show her what you're reading for your class."

"Okay." Sporting a grumpy look, she hopped off and reached for her pink sparkly backpack sitting on the floor by the desk. A few seconds later, she was holding up a book illustrated with a little girl dressed in a blue and pink-patched dress and a monkey dressed in a white hat sitting on her shoulder.

"Oh, Pippi Longstockings. Do you love it?"

Suze shrugged, looking slightly disinterested as she shoved the book back into her bag."Kind of. Pippi is kind of crazy. But she does love animals, so I guess she's okay."

"Yeah, she is." I agreed, trying to think back when the last time it was I had read the book. "Hey, Em?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry to do this to you, but I need to finish getting ready for work."

"Okay, give Hank my love."

"I will."

"I love you."

"I love you too."


	43. Push

"Hold up. Your mother and I have something we want to talk to you about." Ed watched as Clark set his dishes in the sink, then exchanged a look with Sophie as she turned to leave the kitchen. Like every night for the past few months, he had followed the same pattern-ate silently, put his dishes in the sink and escaped to his room.

"Can it wait? I have a ton of homework." Clark muttered, turning to leave the room. However, Ed successfully blocked the doorway.

"Homework is another subject we will talk about later." Sophie lifted an eyebrow to show she was serious, even though he still had his back towards her. "But right now your father and I have more pressing matters to discuss with you."

"Hold up. Your mother and I have something we want to talk to you about." Ed watched as Clark set his dishes in the sink, then exchanged a look with Sophie as she turned to leave the kitchen. Like every night for the past few months, he had followed the same pattern-ate silently, put his dishes in the sink and escaped to his room.

"Can it wait? I have a ton of homework." Clark muttered, turning to leave the room. However, Ed successfully blocked the doorway.

"Homework is another subject we will talk about later." Sophie lifted an eyebrow to show she was serious, even though he still had his back towards her. "But right now your father and I have more pressing matters to discuss with you."

"Okay, what is it?" Clark inquired impatiently as Ed steered towards the table. "I'm waiting to hear what is so important you have to say to me."

"It's about Donna." Ed filled him in without sugar coating anything as Sophie took a seat next to him.

"What about her?" Clark snapped, his body tense as he crossed his arms over one another on the table. "I thought when we went to her funeral, that's when we said goodbye and wouldn't bring this up any more. The end."

"Trust me, we wouldn't be bringing her up if this conversation weren't important."

"Trust you?" Clark clenched his jaw tightly as his face reddened in anger. "How am I ever supposed to trust you again? You were supposed to protect her and you didn't!"

"If I could have been in two places at once, I would have. Both you and I know life doesn't work like that." Ed stated with deep regret as he placed his hands flat on the table. "Donna was a big girl who knew the risks of her job. You need to know without her sacrifice, there would have been a lot more tragedy."

"I know." Clark lowered his head, his shaggy brown hair covering his gaze as he stared at the uneven line in the wood grain.

"I think what your father is trying to say is not only did she love her job, she loved you and all the other kids who are still a part of the SRU. Now she needs our help."

"What do you mean she needs our help? She's dead." Clark shook his hair to the side as he looked up at her and she silently asked him are you sure she's dead? "You don't think she's dead, do you?"

"I know she's not." Ed chimed in as the corners of his mouth twitched with satisfaction as Clark's mouth fell open a little. "Now what I want to know is did you know she was alive?"

"When I overheard you and mom talking, I thought you were just contemplating if she was alive." Clark sharply turned his head towards his father. "But you just said she was alive. How is that even possible?"

"That's what we're trying to find out."

"What you and mom are trying to figure out, or what you and the team are trying to figure out?" His tone was thick with confusion, his eyes darting wildly back and forth as he searched openly for answers.

"All of us."

"Has anybody told Hank?"

"Your mother finally got ahold of him." Ed nodded over to Sophie who wrapped her arm around his bicep. "He should be making his way back to Toronto sometime soon."

"I can't imagine it will be soon. From the sound of it, he doesn't want to be found. I can't imagine it will be easy when he comes back home to find out she's alive."

"I kind of know how he feels." Clark muttered, then clearly stated this question again. "She shouldn't be alive, right?"

"No, she shouldn't be." Ed hoped he could relay he didn't understand it either, no matter how many times he ran the scenario through his mind. "But for some reason she is." The house grew silent, among the silent hums of Isabel playing with her dolls upstairs. They all chuckled as they listened to her doing her best fatherly voice a three-year-old could manage "Any more questions?"

"Just one." Clark paused dramatically as he looked up at his parents. "What can I do?"

* * *

JULY 17, 2011

"Mmm! A strawberry smoothie and a girl's day was exactly what I needed." Shelley sucked a bunch of her smoothie into her mouth with happy satisfaction as we all sat closely around the mall table. "I am so glad you suggested this girl's day, Sophie."

"It's been awhile, hasn't it?" Sophie bumped shoulders with Shelley and she spilled a drop of pink liquid onto her hand.

"So, now we've made small talk all the way over to the mall, what has everyone been up to?" Shelly inquired, scrubbing her hand with the tan napkin.

"Reading, as much as I can, whenever I can." Sophie piped up. "How about you, Donna? You've been awfully quiet since we got here. What have you been up to lately?"

"Working and spending time with Hank." Those words felt so lame coming out of my mouth as I went back to concentrating on my smoothie. How do I tell them I had lost a baby no one other than Hank and I knew about? I had known these two long enough to know their struggles, so it didn't feel right not telling them, but no matter how hard I tried, the words wouldn't come.

Sophie and Ed had tried for many years before Isabel had come along. When it was time for their little girl to be born, Sophie had problems delivering and ended up having an emergency c-section. If that weren't enough, Ed had just been shot by someone connected to a drug kingpin. He refused to have surgery until Sophie had safely delivered their daughter.

As for Shelley and Wordy, things hadn't been easy for them either. Wordy had been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, had to leave the SRU and they dealt with financial stress while adjusting to Wordy's new job.

Even after all that I knew about them, I wasn't ready to tell them my struggles. I don't know if I ever would be able to tell them.

"We have a couple hours to kill. Anyone feel like doing a little shopping?" Sophie asked moving her legs to the side of the chair as she prepared to stand up from her seat.

"Mmm." Shelley raised her hand as she practically pulled the straw out from her cup. "Wordy and I are supposed to go to this fundraiser next week, so now I guess I need to find a new dress, considering I haven't bought anything since Ally was born."

"Perfect excuse." Sophie grabbed her purse she had placed at her the foot of her chair as she balanced the cup in her hand. "Donna?"

"Sounds good to me." This time I sounded a little more cheery, even a little relieved they hadn't pressed me for answers as we scooted our chairs in.


	44. Basic Instinct

"Ed." Wordy walked through the parking lot, to where Ed was leaning on the front of his SVU. "Any word on Donna?"

"No. I have no good answer to where she went. One minute she was talking to Dr. Luria, and the next she was out the door."

"Donna was talking to Dr. Luria?" Wordy raised an eyebrow, mostly in surprise, because even though Dr. Luria had helped them through the toughest times, Donna was one who didn't love talking about her feelings then there was a case. Why would she like it now?

"We needed an unbiased opinion. Right now we have no way of knowing what she knows about Patricia Hagly, other than she was married and has a son, which Jules and Sam are trying to track down right now."

"What about the house? Any clues leading you to why she would have changed from Patricia Hagly to Alice Henderson?"

"So far we've got nothing. Because this is a high profile case, Dr. Luria can't interview her until tomorrow. I still think Donna is our best bet at cracking this case." Ed paused, collecting his thoughts as he sat on the hood of the car. "As for the house, Spike and law enforcement are combing the place for any further clues we might have missed."

"Okay. Any clue to why she left the SRU?" Wordy inquired, pressing for further details as he leaned his elbow against the car.

"Dr. Luria mentioned she remembered Hank."

"Do you think she could have to the house looking for him?"

"If she remembers where she lives. For all we know, she could be in a taxi circling around the city."

"Want to check it out? Hank and Donna's house isn't too far away from here."

"Let's go." Ed stated immediately after pulling the keys out of his pocket. "If she's there, I have a feeling she won't have any way to get into the house."

"Did Hank mention when he was coming back?" Wordy pressed, securing his seatbelt as they exited the parking lot.

"He didn't care to share that detail." Ed glanced into the side mirror as they passed a truck carrying fuel. "That's okay. I haven't figured out a good way to tell Hank his wife is actually alive, not dead."

"I don't think there's any good way to say it."

"There isn't." Ed frowned, turning the corner towards a well-kept neighborhood. "Not sure Hank's going to take it well either."

"It's hard for anyone to understand why she's alive. I still don't understand why she's alive either, but we need Donna to know exactly what happened."

"And if we can't find her, we'll never know the answers to our questions." Ed sighed heavily as he signaled and headed further into the neighborhood.

* * *

JULY 17, 2011

"Okay, spill." Shelley announced as we organized our bags in the back of the car. It had taken nearly another hour and a half to find a dress for her, and I felt exhausted and beyond wanting to talk about anything other than what I was going to do for the night, like sitting on the couch and drinking a glass of wine. "We know when something's wrong."

"Nothing. Just got a lot on my mind."

"Like what?" Sophie pitched in as she dug her keys out of her purse, then stopped abruptly as the metal keys swayed back and forth. "Look, we don't mean to push. It's just we've all noticed you've been quiet."

"Lots of things." My mind raced as I climbed into the passenger seat. I should have offered Shelley this seat so they could only glance at me through the mirror and be just beyond arm's reach. "Who exactly is we here?"

"I overheard the boys talking at the Fourth of July party about how worried they were about you. I didn't want to believe what they were saying because I knew you and Hank have been busy with work and such, so I didn't think much of what they were saying until now."

"What I think Shelley means is that we're all worried about you. We know things haven't been easy the past four months and that can really stress a person out." Slowing down at the crosswalk, a mother pushed her daughter across the street in a pink stroller. I couldn't help but glance longingly as the little girl danced in her stroller. I wondered if I would ever get the opportunity to do the same thing one day.

"She's cute, isn't she?" Sophie's voice pulled me out of my thoughts. "She reminds me a little of Isabel when she was that little-" I seemed to drown out the rest of the conversation as I watched they disappeared down the street. "Donna?"

"Hmm?"

"It's the little children, isn't it?" Sophie guessed as we stopped at the red light, a dozen or so cars whizzing past us. "I see it in your face whenever we talk about a child or see one."

"Is it that obvious?"

"Not really." Sophie shrugged as she watched the light change and the traffic slowed so we could turn. "I tried to hide the fact I wanted another child because I never thought it would happen. The desire was always there, no matter how deep I tried to bury it."

I looked out the window knowing she had hit my thoughts right on the nail. Although not every person wants a child, there are many who do and can't have one because they don't have a husband or partner, or they have a child but aren't able to get pregnant again.

I was none one of those things. I had a loving and patient husband who would do anything for me. I wanted a child so badly it hurt to think about but was constantly on my mind. I wondered how he could be so calm about all this. He had never once shown frustration about not being able to get pregnant, just concern.

"Can I ask you guys something?"

"Sure." Sophie responded quickly as we turned down a street with an old cathedral. It was one I had passed many times through town but had never paid attention to until now.

"Absolutely. What do you need to ask?" Shelley mentioned as she leaned forward in her seat so she could see both of us.

"How did your husbands act when you told them you were pregnant?"

"It took us almost two years to get pregnant with Clark after we were married. So, when I did get pregnant, he was elated to find out it was a boy." Taking in a deep breath, Sophie's expression grew a little more serious as she focused on the road. "When we got pregnant with Isabel, he was so shocked, I thought he was going to collapse on the floor. She was such a miracle and just what we needed to complete our family."

"What about you Shelley?"

"Let's see. When Wordy found out the first time, he was so excited. When he started to think of the logistics of what it meant to have a baby, it terrified him for a little while and took a few months before he really warmed up to the fact I was pregnant. After the other two came along, was when he realized he would be outnumbered for the rest of his life."

"Now, can I ask you something?" Sophie inquired as we stopped at yet another light. I knew we were close to our destination, so we didn't have much longer with this conversation. I was relieved but at the same I wanted to know if their husbands had responded the same way Hank had. It baffled me how calm he was, even despite the news of our baby and our miscarriage. "And you don't have to respond if you don't want to-"

"Sure."

"Are you and Hank actively trying to have a baby right now?"

"We've been trying, yes."

"And?"

"Nothing's really happened yet." I shrugged, having a change of thought of telling them what really happened. "I had a miscarriage." Still I said it quietly, almost to the point that if you weren't listening, you would have missed those four little words.

"Say that again, because I thought I just heard you say you had a miscarriage." Shelley registered the conversation first from the back seat.

"When did this happen?" Sophie glanced over at me, trying to focus on the road before the silence got to her and she finally pulled into a gas station parking lot.

"Exactly one month from today."


	45. A Little Help from My Friends

Pulling up to the house, a curtain made of thick material was now draped across the living room window, It was almost the color of the sky, and was perfect for keeping out sunlight and prying eyes. The change wasn't unusual, if Hank couldn't take the generosity of others or how the house had been left, but also worrisome if he had been living here the entire three months she had been gone.

"That wasn't there before the funeral." Wordy pointed towards the window with a raise of his eyebrow as they walked closer towards the house.

"No, it wasn't." Ed peered over the red brick wall that enclosed a small concrete patio, two cherry red recliners sitting to the side of a small garden now lined with weeds. "I was hoping Donna would be here, but not at the same time as Hank."

"Then let's hope she doesn't show up if Hank is indeed here at the house." Wordy lowered his voice, even though the pounding of Ed's fist on the door seemed to drown out his words.

Yet, nothing seemed to happen after several minutes, so they both shrugged and were about to turn back towards the steps leading back to the car, when the unmistakable sound of metal clicking was followed by the door opening to a haggard looking Hank.

If they didn't know better, they would have mistaken him for someone living on the streets. His hair looked disheveled as if it hadn't seen a brush in days. There were purple bags underneath his eyes that clearly showed he hadn't slept well since the funeral. Not to mention his clothes were alarmingly baggy underneath his thin frame, and his once happy manner had now been replaced with a look of defeat and sadness.

"Ed." He greeted as he leaned his tired body against the door frame. "What can I do for you?"

"We were just coming by to see if you had a few minutes to talk."

"Sure." He looked reluctant as he opened the door wider so they could enter the house. "Give me a few minutes to change. I got here late last night." He disappeared down the hall and into the bedroom, which left time for Ed and Wordy to look around.

The curtains were drawn, casting a certain darkness upon every room on the main floor. Walls and shelves were void of any pictures symbolizing the love Hank and Donna once had for each other, making the house seem even emptier than it already was.

"This isn't right." Wordy stated quietly as he and Ed continued to look around the house. Every step they took finally revealed the toll Donna's death had taken on Hank: a fist-sized hole in the wall between the lower shelf and television, frames stacked against the banisters, an open duffel bag with scattered items all across the table.

As the bedroom door squeaked open, Ed and Wordy leaned against the back of the couch, letting the situation sink in. Hank emerged in a red colored dress shirt and jeans passing behind them as he opened the curtain facing the yard.

"Sorry, I got in late last night or I would have called." Stepping to the side of them, he walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. "You said you needed to talk about something?"

"There's been a development in Donna's case, and I think you're going to want to sit down for this one." Ed addressed seriously as he walked in strides towards the table.

* * *

July 17, 2011

They both stared at me as if I had grown a pair of wings. The more seconds that went by, the more I wish I had; then at least I would have the option to open the car door and fly far away. However, both Sophie and Shelley had been great friends, so I know they were more shocked out of concern more than anything.

Sophie parked abruptly in the farthest parking spot on the side of the gas station and carefully unhooked her seat belt. The car was absolutely silent as they figured out what to say next, and I turned my head to stare out at the cars rushing down the highway.

As I did, I wiped away a few tears as I got lost in my own thoughts. What had I done to deserve losing this baby, when all I wanted to be was a mother?

"Donna." Sophie's voice broke through my thoughts before I could go on. Her gentle touch on my shoulder broke through my tough demeanor-everything I had been holding in for months finally came flooding through. She said nothing else but my name and held me close as I cried for several minutes.

It didn't seem fair I had lost this baby that was no longer inside of me. It consumed me to the point I really had to focus when I was on the job or I could cause harm to myself or my teammates. I realized at this point I had been selfish to not tell anyone, especially to the team I had once been on. For that, I cried harder than I had in a very long time.

"Ah, I needed that." I sniffled after another few minutes had passed by. It was true. I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. "Thank you."

"You would do it for us." Sophie shrugged with a pleasant smile. "In fact, you have many times. I don't know what we would have done without your wisdom or your help."

"I'm not sure about that."

"I agree with Sophie." Shelley reached into her purse and handed me a clean tissue from her stash . "You're the person we vent to when we have a problem, and you talk to our children in a way that we can't. Oh, and you're always the person we can call in the middle of the night to watch our children when we have to take one to the emergency room."

"Isn't that the truth?" Sophie gushed as she placed her hand over mine and gave it a tight squeeze. "If you weren't around, who would Clark talk to then?"

"I guess I never thought about it that way."

"You mean the world to us, Donna." Sophie gave my hand a tight squeeze again. "Don't ever forget that."

"Yes. We couldn't have raised our children without you." Shelley stated with a grin as if she tried not to laugh. "You know what they say?"

"What?"

"It takes a village to raise children. So, when you have that child you've always wanted, we'll be right there to help you raise them." Leaning towards the passenger seat, Shelley gave my arm a gentle squeeze and winked. "And I'm sure you'll have a lot of helpers when you do."

"Yeah, a lot of hands just itching to hold that baby of yours. I'm betting your baby's feet won't touch the ground for many many months."

"And if I can't have one?"

"Take your pick." Shelley chimed in with a comforting laugh as she finally leaned back in her seat. "They're all part yours anyway."


	46. Double Whammy

The afternoon light filtered into the kitchen as Hank sat nearer to the counter, his chair pulled out slightly, while Ed sat across from Hank and Wordy sat next to Ed for support. "Like I mentioned a few minutes before, there's been a break in Donna's case."

"What kind of a break?" Hank questioned, breaking his focus as he stared at the table grain. "What could you possibly tell me that you haven't already told me before?'

"When we got the preliminary results from the bombing, they seemed odd." Ed ignored Hank's line of questioning and continued explaining the situation. "So I started digging, eventually including the help of Sam, Wordy, Greg, and Spike."

"And?"

"Preliminary results stated Jimmy was burned on his arms, legs, and face. There was nothing on Donna like we originally thought there would be." Ed stated as he and Wordy watched for a reaction. Instead, Hank stared at the nearby wall, so he continued explaining. "Not only that, her vest and phone were found in two different areas of the building."

"What do you mean her vest and phone were found in two different areas of the building?"

"Her vest was found lying on the floor underneath, and her phone was found in the stairwell."

"What does that mean? That my wife was blown to pieces during the blast?"

"That's not what we're saying at all." Wordy did his best to smooth the shock Hank must have been feeling at the moment. "What Ed is trying to say is we found something we never thought was possible: that she could be alive."

"Alive?" Hank stuttered, his head jerking in their direction. "If you're messing with me, Ed-"

"I'm not. Trust me, the first time any of us saw this information, none of us believed it."

"I can't believe this. I have so many questions."

"Of which we'll answer in due time." Ed sat up straight up in his chair as he gaged how many more questions this would bring to the once grieving widow. "Before we go any further, there are some things you need to know about your wife."

"Like what?" Hank froze in his seat, the relief fading from his expression. "Did the blast do something to her?"

"It did. Probably not like what you're thinking." Ed pointed out as the wheel's in Hank's mind turned to the worst possible scenario, which included something along the lines of a broken arm, broken leg or even an amputation. Anything that had to do with injuries sustained after a bomb went off. "The blast caused her to have amnesia."

"Hang on. Are you telling me she doesn't remember who I am?"

"I believe somewhere inside, she knows who you are," Ed reassured him as they continued to sit around the table. "Donna's slowly remembering bits and pieces, but it hasn't been easy for her to come back to this life."

"So what do we do?" Hank shrugged his shoulders as if he were at a loss. "I mean what next?"

"Be there for her. These memories have been overwhelming and confusing and she's going to need all of us to be there for her, especially you."

"And if she doesn't want us to?" Hank's words were heartbreaking but a real concern in his mind that he wife may never come back to him.

"Whether she thinks she needs us or not, we still have a responsibility to help her as much as we can." Wordy chimed in from his thoughts as he stared out the kitchen window. "We are her family and she deserves to know the people who love her."

"Okay." It took several minutes before Hank gave his response, and they all grew quiet when the doorbell rang.

"You expecting anyone?" Ed asked Hank quickly before throwing a look over to Wordy. By the look on their faces, they had an inkling who it was way, yet they only conveyed that fact silently as Ed stood up from his seat.

"Not many people know I'm home yet," Hank stated quietly as he turned around in his seat. As Ed walked across the room, another rap sounded against the door as he reached for the handle and pulled it open.

JULY 17, 2011

I'm sure we had been quite the spectacle-crying and hugging as we sat in the car for nearly a half an hour talking. As we all wiped away our tears, Sophie remarked that we had to pull ourselves together to pick up the kids from school.

I know we had talked about this being a possibility if we were still hanging out in the afternoon, I would tag along with them to pick up the kids. As we pulled onto a busy street, I suddenly felt a little nervous. Kids were notorious for picking up on things, and I was afraid they would pick up on the fact I had been crying. However, when the girls saw the van, their eyes sparkled and there was a little more bounce in their step as they greeted us and I wasn't so sure they had noticed.

"Mommy!" Lily was the first into the van as she wrapped her little arms around Shelley's neck as she entered the van.

"Hey, Pumpkin. How was school?" Shelley asked her as Lily pressed her cheek against hers.

"Good." She beamed as she immediately sat next to her in the van. "I was hoping you would still be hanging out together."

"How come?"

"Because then I could see Aunt Sophie and Aunt Donna too." She beamed as she giggled and wrapped her arm around Sophie, and then pressed the sweetest kiss on my cheek and bounced towards the back seat so her sisters could get in.

"Hi, Mom." Ally greeted, wrapping her arms around her mother's neck as she looked towards the front seat.

"Hey, Ally!" Shelley greeted her oldest daughter enthusiastically. "How was school?"

"Good. I'm glad to hear it."

"Hey, Aunt Sophie." Ally gave her a grin as they locked eyes through the car mirror before she placed a hand on my shoulder. "Aunt Donna."

"Ally. How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"Doing better, thanks." I thought she might just go sit down next to her sisters, instead, she surprised me and gave me the tightest hug I had experienced in a long time. It was something I didn't know I needed until her arms were around my neck.

Thank goodness for small miracles: someone knew I needed them today.


	47. A Shift In the Night- Part I

"It's always a good night when we get everyone out alive." Greg slapped a hand on Ed and Wordy's shoulder as they made their way out of the Michaelangelo Foods parking lot. It had been quite an intense night when a young male decided to rob the store, getting his friend involved taking hostages. Thanks to some quick thinking, they had been able to get through to one of the teenagers, which allowed them to take both into custody. The hostage who had been shot had been loaded up into the ambulance and was expected to make a full outcome from this night.

"Personally, I wish every case was like this." Wordy breathed a sigh of relief as the police lights, reflected blue and red across the parking lot. "Excuse me. I'm going to call Shelley and let her know I'm coming home tonight." Wordy pulled his phone out from his back pocket and ducked behind a blue Ford truck.

"Does she look happier to you?" Greg tilted his head towards Donna as she joked around with Lou and Spike.

"Who, Donna?"

"Yeah, Donna. She seems to have more of a spring in her step than she usually does."

"She went out with the girls the other day, so she seems a little happier now she's getting a little time away from the SRU. Whenever I ask Sophie what they talked about, she states something about break a girl code. Also, she's not a spy for me or the SRU. Her words, not mine.

"A spy." Greg shot him an amused grin as he pulled his keys from his pocket. "However, Sophie, Donna, and Shelley are friends. There are obviously things they like to talk about when we're not around." They walked across the parking lot, then stopped in front of one of the issued car for the SRU.

"What's your point?" The corner of Ed's lips twitched as if he were trying to stay serious about the subject as they stopped in the middle of the parking lot.

"My point is," Greg reciprocated the good humor with his own smile. "It's great they're friends but we can't always expect they're going to tell us things."

"So, basically we have to figure out everything they know without asking them." Ed came to his own conclusion on his own.

"Exactly." Greg pointed out, unlocking the door to the SVU just as Donna, Lou, and Spike were loading into the other SVU. "We always take care of our own, Ed. Always."

JULY 19, 2011

"Donna." Upon seeing me standing there on the patio, Ed closed the door behind him; probably so Hank wouldn't overhear our conversation if he was inside the house. I could also tell there were a lot of questions behind those eyes that needed answers before I got the chance to walk through the door. "Where have you been? We've been looking all over for you."

"I know." I had meant to come back to the building, but something within me couldn't do it. There was so much that happened in this building, so many people I knew and so many memories it was bringing back to me. "After I walked out of the meeting with Dr. Luria, I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I walked around the city for nearly two hours before returning to the hotel to sleep." I stifled a yawn, suddenly feeling a lack of energy despite my three-hour nap. "I keep forgetting how much energy these little ones take out of me."

"They will do that, alright." Ed chuckled, knowing all too well what that felt like, based on his wife's own experiences. As I thought about it further, I remembered the pictures Ed had shown to me of his kids, and I envisioned a curly-haired teenager.

 _"Aunt Donna...can I talk to you about something?" Clark appeared at the side of the couch, looking a little timid as he approached me. I couldn't remember why I was there that night, but I knew that my favorite thing was knowing I could help if I could._

 _"You know you can always talk to me. Have a seat." He obliged, but not before looking around to make sure no one else was listening to our conversation. When he realized nobody else was paying attention, he positioned his body so he was facing me._

 _"I was hoping you could give me some advice."_

 _"Advice on what exactly?" Raising my eyebrow, I sat up a little taller as I placed my cup of coffee on the table._

 _"I kind of like this girl in my English class."_

 _"Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Does this girl have a name?"_

 _"Laura. Laura Franklin."_

"Donna?" Ed waved a hand in front of my face, which brought me back to reality. "You zoned out there."

"I was just thinking." I gave a little sigh, feeling the pull to ask about his children. It was clear they meant a great deal to me, especially Clark who often would approach me to talk; yet there was an even bigger pull to see my husband, who was probably dying to know if I was the one at the door.

"Okay. So why come here now?"

"I had a dream about holding these babies and having Hank by my side. The dream triggered a conversation Hank and I had once about children, which got me thinking: does he know about my pregnancy?"

"He doesn't know you're pregnant, but he does know you're alive."

"I suddenly have no idea what I'm going to say to him." I froze in place, suddenly feeling super nervous knowing Hank was on the other side of that door.

"You tell him the truth." Ed kept one hand resting on the doorknob like he was going to open it up to me at any moment.

"Just cause it was right doesn't mean you get to feel right, yes?"

"Right." By the look on his face, I knew there was a haunting truth behind those words; I just didn't know why they were so important. He quickly recovered, trying to cover a look of shock as he twisted the knob and the door clicked open. "Whenever you're ready, Donna. I am right here with you."


	48. A Shift In the Night- Part II

**Happy belated Christmas present to you.**

"You're doing great. Take a deep breath." Ed reminded me as he now stood to the side of me; his confidence and support calmed my nerves enough for me to take in a deep breath so I could walk into the living room. Wordy and Hank were quietly conversing with each other at the kitchen table. I was so focused on them that I didn't notice the floor creak under my foot until Wordy had looked up at me.

He held a look of awe like he couldn't believe I was really there. I didn't blame him. How was I really here? How was I back standing in the home I shared with Hank? How was I standing among friends? Mostly I was wondering how we were both standing here. Hank should have been dead. I should have been dead. We should have both been dead.

"Hank." My voice was ever so quiet. I still didn't know the right words to say as I found myself pulling a chair out at the end of the table; just one seat away from him. It took a moment but he slowly raised his gaze and our eyes locked with one another.

"Donna?" He stammered, his lower lip trembling as he raised his hand then dropped it like he was trying to decipher if I was real or not, or if this was some sick joke that was being played on him. "Is that really you?"

"It's really me."

"I don't understand." His eyes held a bewildered, wide-eyed look as the wheels turned in his head. I just hoped there were some questions of his I could answer. "Where have you been all this time?"

"I was staying with someone who believed they were keeping me safe."

"Did they hurt you?" He asked, not able to look me in the eye for a few minutes; like he was still trying to force himself to believe I wasn't just a figment of his imagination.

"No, nothing like that." I shook my head, trying to imagine what kinds of things could be going through his mind. Who was he blaming for my absence, when the only person who had truly hurt me was the one who caused me to lose my memory? Just as I had that thought, one of the babies kicked my stomach which caused a wave of nervousness to run through my veins. "Can I show you something?" It took him a moment before he nodded and I scooted back from the table, cradling my swollen belly.

"You're pregnant?" His gaze slowly followed down to my belly, realization setting in that he was going to be a father.

"I am."

"You're actually pregnant?" He stated with pure delight this time like he couldn't believe what I was telling him. It made me happy he was excited about the pregnancy. In a way, it kind of took away the nervousness I had been feeling for days now about telling him. "Sorry. It's just we've been trying for so long." Wordy and Ed exchanged a look with each other as if they were hearing this for the first time. "When we lost our baby last year, you were devastated."

"We lost a baby last year?"

"You were seven weeks along." His voice was quiet, the loss still radiating strongly as when it happened. "It was the middle of the night; happened so quickly we couldn't tell anyone. You didn't want to tell anyone." He avoided looking at Ed or Wordy, probably because he already knew what their reaction would be. "Can I ask, how far along are you?"

"Four months."

"So you don't know whether it's a boy or girl yet?"

"Not yet."

"Oh." He gave a look of disappointment as he looked over at the clock. I read the clock myself and realized I had already been here for about an hour. How did time go by so quickly?

"There's something I should tell you about the pregnancy." I rubbed my belly again, thinking back to when I had found out at the hospital that I was pregnant with twins.

 _"Well, it looks like_ baby _is healthy." Moving the wand around my bare belly, her smile faded and her face screwed up with concern. "Hang on, it looks like there's not just a baby there-in fact, there are two babies."_

 _"Two? I'm having twins?"_

 _"You're having twins. Congratulations!"_

"Donna?" Hank's voice faded back in, filled with the same concern the doctor had when reading the ultrasound. "Is there something wrong with the baby?"

"I'm not having a baby, Hank. I'm having twins."

"Twins. As in two babies?" I nodded and his eyes grew wider at the realization that we were going to be parents to not just one baby, but two. "That's amazing, and yet it's so hard to believe that you're standing in front of me. Now I'm finding out I'm having twins."

"This is a lot to take in all in one night." Wordy leaned his fist against his cheek as he watched Hank carefully. "How are you doing with all of this?"

"I'm okay." Shaking his head, he stared at the kitchen wall near the sink. "A little shocked. I don't think its all sunk in yet that I'm staring at my dead wife. What do we tell her sister and her friends? Who else knows she's alive?"

"Everyone on Team One, as well as Greg, Wordy, Sophie, and Clark." Ed tipped his chin over in Wordy's direction.

"Wait a minute. Sophie and Clark know?" Wordy questioned, taking interest in this newfound information. "I've barely thought of a way to tell Shelley or the girls. What's your secret?"

"Sophie helped find Hank. Clark overheard us talking about Donna one night, but he's far from knowing all the details."

* * *

JULY 30, 2011

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dear Riley. Happy birthday to you!

As they finished the song, Riley licked her lips hungrily at the chocolate cake sitting in front of her. It clear by the eager glint in her eyes, she was ready to blow out those five purple candles and dig in. When she had blown them out, Wordy immediately removed the candles and placed them in a glass of water sitting to the side of him. Pretty soon he was handing her a small piece of cake and she was shoving it into her mouth.

"Looks like she likes the cake." Ed teased, motioning over to the five-year-old who was now licking her fork.

"We're a sucker for chocolate at my house." Wordy looked over at Shelley as he handed her a piece of cake. She nodded in agreement before forking a small piece and putting it in her mouth. "Which pretty much means we don't get chocolate unless its a holiday or a birthday."

"That bad of an addiction, huh?"

"Oh, yeah." Shelley piped up, glancing over her shoulder as Ally passed by her and walked into the kitchen. "This one especially loves it." She whispered, pointing over to her oldest daughter as she pulled a glass out of the cabinet.

"We like to call her the chocolate monster." Wordy confided quietly, dishing out another plate of cake and handing it to Dean, who just chuckled, shook his head and walked back into the living room. Needless to say, that got them all laughing as Ally walked over to the table with a confused glance on her face.

"What's so funny?" Ally asked her mom as she set the empty glass on the counter.

"Nothing, honey. Please go find your sister and ask her if she wants some cake, okay?" Shelley raised her eyebrows at her, like she already knew the answer to her own question, then chuckled again as her oldest daughter disappeared from the kitchen.

"Can I please have some cake?" Isabele inquired politely as she pulled out the chair next to Riley.

"You may." Wordy obliged, cutting her a small piece of cake and placing it in front of her.

"Thank you!"

"What's the matter, Izzy?" Riley questioned, licking the chocolate off her fingers, then polished off the rest of her cake. "Do you not want your cake?"

"I do." Isabele tilted her head as she stared down at the plate. "I'm just trying to figure out how I want to eat it."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, do I eat the frosting or the cake first?"

"That's easy." Riley shrugged her shoulders like it a no-brainer question. "Eat both."


End file.
